Page 75 of Before I Lost You

He snickers. “Noteverything.”

“Name one thing you think isn’t beautiful.”

“Chihuahuas,” he blurts, and I stare at him. Then we both burst into laughter. “What? They’re ugly and annoying.”

I’m still chuckling when I agree. “I guess you’re right.”

“Iamright.” He grins. “I usually am.”

“If I agree, will you go out with me again?” I ask breathlessly. It’s a risk, but I need to know. I want him to agree. Desperately.

He smirks. “I’ll think about it.”

“What if”—I shake my head, trying to think of a way not to sound desperate, though I’m not sure I’m achieving it—“you take me to your favorite place in the city next time?”

Kenneth bites his bottom lip, seemingly thinking about it, debating his options, then looks at me. “I guess I could do that.”

“You guess?” My heart pounds in my chest.

“Fine.” He grins. “I’ll take you. But only because you asked nicely.”

Those words make me want to say something suggestive, but I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I don’t want this to be sexual. I want to get him back, and if there’s one thing I know about Kenneth, it’s that he can get sex anywhere, any time, and from whomever he wants. I have to give him something no one else has—something no one elsecan.

Love.

So that’s what I’ll give him.

“I can’t wait.” I smile. “Does it involve a sunset?”

“Always.”

That makes me smile, and when our eyes meet, it feels like I’m looking at our future again. It’s colorful, and it fills me with hope. It makes me want to believe in us again, and I’m not sure if that’s stupid or plain dangerous for my heart. When will I stop fearing the future? Will I ever? I don’t know the answer to these questions right now. All I know is that I don’t care either way. I’ll take him however I can get him.

For however long I can have him.

Chapter 29

FALLING TWICE

Kenneth texted me the address to the rooftop garden this morning and told me to meet him here at seven p.m. so we could have time before sunset. I know how much he loves his golden hour, and I immediately agreed to come. He said I’d better, because this is our second date, and he worked hard to take me somewhere he loves. It made me smile, thinking of him putting in some effort, trying to impress me by bringing me to a beautiful place in the city. Doesn’t he know I’ll only be looking at him? I don’t have eyes for anything or anyone else.

I just got here—an entire hour earlier than I was supposed to—because I’m too nervous to wait until our agreed-upon time. I need to get a drink or two in me, and then maybe the nerves will disintegrate. Doubtful, but I have to make an effort to make myself feel a little better.

I look around the rooftop, trying to see the place through his eyes, and take everything in slowly. There’s a bar and a seating area at the very entrance of what resembles a patio. A slab of cement with tables and chairs, some outdoor couches, and coffee tables, with the bar to the side of it. I go straight to it, orderingmyself a double shot of Jameson, then another one, until I feel more relaxed. My esophagus burns from the alcohol, and I take a deep breath and sit down, looking at my phone, praying he doesn’t cancel on me. The only messages we’ve exchanged were about coming here, and I wonder if he’s just not interested in talking to me. Maybe I’m just not interesting enough for him.

Shaking my head, I pull up Instagram on my phone and search for him again. I can’t help myself; I look at his profile at least four times a day. The number of followers he has makes it so that he doesn’t know it’s me watching his stories, and Instagram doesn’t tell you who looks at your profile, unlike TikTok. It makes me a little more inconspicuous. It definitely has its advantages as I scroll his profile, looking at just one last picture, one more time. At least that’s what I tell myself before spending an ungodly amount of time staring at pictures of him. That’s just one more thing that makes me so sad—losing all our pictures.

I look at the time, and it says I have five minutes before Kenneth gets here. I go back to the bar and do something completely reckless—I order two drinks. Sex on the Beach. Although I don’t want history to repeat itself, maybe if I do it differently, it’ll be alright. This is a fundamental part of us. Our drink. Our thing. I want that back. And when he shows up and finds me sitting on one of the outdoor couches, he stands across from me and looks at the drinks on the table. And grins. Right at me. It’s not a slow smile either. It’s quick, like lightning. He’s absolutely beaming with it, his face alight, his dimples deep, and his eyes crinkling. Fuck, he’s so beautiful.

“How did you know this is my favorite drink?” Ken asks, but he’s still grinning.

“Lucky guess.” I shrug sheepishly—the biggest lie I’ve ever told. It makes me want to scream, makes me want to tell him I know everything about him; what makes him smile, cry, tick. The things he loves, and the things he doesn’t. I know how helooks, sleep rumpled in the morning, when his eyes are barely open, and there’s a softness about him that screams at me that he came from a place I’ve never been to. Heaven, possibly. A real-life angel. I know how he looks when he’s in the throes of ecstasy. I even know how he looks when he’s being ravaged by pain and anguish, and that’s my least favorite look on him, though I could never hate anything about him.

Instead of saying all of that, I say nothing else at all.

He rounds the coffee table and sits next to me, even though I expected him to sit in the chair across from the coffee table dividing us. But no, he gets close to me. As close as possible. Thighs touching. Shoulders brushing. And then he reaches for his drink, sipping it as he looks right into my eyes. “Drink yours before it melts.”

I nod, grabbing my drink and sipping it too. The taste explodes on my taste buds, transporting me to another time, another day, another minute—next tohim. Always next to him. It makes my heart ache, and I have to force myself to swallow, to school my features. To hide my pain. I smile instead, and though at first it feels fake, it transforms on my face slowly. Into something real, something entirely his. It feels natural, like being with him does. It’s crazy how he can change everything for me.