I look at the way John is staring at a mark the wax must have left on my chest, at the concern mixed with hunger shining in his eyes, and I can’t help but question if he’s truly as capable of separating sex and emotion as he’s claiming to be.
“And you don’t catch feelings, ever?” I push, aware I’m treating this like a high school moment when you ask your crushif they have a crush on anyone, hoping it’s you, but I can’t help it.
His brows furrow, but he continues staring at my chest, not up at my face like I want him to. “No. Just like I told you, it’s an arrangement that comes with rules and boundaries. Everyone I’ve played with has understood the situation and respected it.”
Everyone but me, apparently.
I’m sure he’s thinking the same thing.
But I agreed to his rules, he was very up-front about what he could offer me, so I can’t blame him. Normally, I’m able to focus on the positives, and it’s easy for me to hold onto hope for the future I want for us. But right now, I’m struggling. Was it simply naive of me to believe that sex would make him fall for me too? Or do I just need to give him more time?
“How did you get into it?” I ask, needing to distract myself but also desperate to know more. Maybe it’ll help me understand him better.
“Oh,” he says, pausing, obviously surprised by my question. He finally glances up at me for a moment before licking his lips and continuing again. “I, uh, had a really shitty period of time where my life felt very out of control, after…” He trails off and shakes his head, but I know that he was going to sayafter his ex died.
“The friend I told you about who taught me how to do tattoos introduced me to it.” He pauses again and lets out a short laugh. “He saw me covering my body in ink and piercings and guessed I might be looking for a sense of control. He was right. When he introduced me to kink, it was the first time in years I experienced a sense of calm.”
I nod as I think about everything he’s told me and everything I know about John. When he talks about control, I now realize it isn’t about ego or even about dominance for the sake of power. It’s obvious John’s been trying to heal something that broke inside of him when he lost Luke. The rules, boundaries, andarrangements give him that sense of control. If he knows what to expect, what’s allowed, how close he can get to someone and them to him, then nothing can hurt him again, the way life already has.
It all makes so much more sense now.
The day I surprised him by trying to be romantic, probably made him feel out of control. He’d never let me surprise him with a date. He’d never let me blindfold him because he can’t let go like that. But I don’t need him to. If he wants to be the one doing those things for me, we’re both lucky, because I really enjoy being on the receiving end.
When he says he doesn’t catch feelings, I don’t think it’s because he’s incapable of them. He must be. He felt so strongly for Luke all those years ago, and he did agree to marry me in Vegas. He’s not some emotionless machine.
I think it’s because feelings make him feel vulnerable, and being vulnerable is scary. He can’t control anything once his heart is invested. None of us can. It’s not avoiding feelings and emotions for the sake of it. It’s self-preservation for him, and realizing that doesn’t scare me away like maybe it should. It makes me want to continue to be patient, to show him that I’m in this, that I’m not giving up on us.
I can respect his rules and boundaries. Or at least, I can put in the effort to really try, and rule one was no sleepovers.
“Alright, I think it’s time for me to go home,” I declare, standing up in the tub. John’s brows pull together, probably not expecting that when I normally try anything to get him to forgo the rules.
“Uh, yeah, okay, let me help you get dressed.” John opens the vanity cabinet to pull out a folded towel and hands it to me.
I dry myself off and change back into my discarded clothes I folded on his dresser earlier. John watches me closely as though he’s assessing my sudden change in behavior.
“Before you go,” he starts, leaning against the doorframe. “How are you feeling now?”
“Good. Like I said earlier, I really liked it,” I assure him, and I mean it. “I felt safe. It was fun. And yeah, I’d happily do it again.”
“Okay,” he says, although he sounds like he doesn’t quite believe me. “Yeah, that’s good.”
I grin, trying to lighten things before it gets too serious again. “Besides, that kink list was long. We’ve barely scratched the surface. I’m assuming you didn’t fill yours out yet?”
A smug look crosses his face. “I don’t need to, Princess. I’ll be leading this arrangement. Just remember your colors, and I’ll make sure you experience everything you want and nothing you don’t. Okay?”
“Okay, good,” I murmur, stepping closer as warmth fills my gut. “I like giving you the control. I trust you with it. You can do anything you want with me unless I crossed it out. There is no anal fisting in my future. Especially with your big hands. Got it?”
“Jesus,” he blurts before chuckling to himself, and I feel immense pride for pulling that reaction out of him. “Alright, that’s all I needed to hear. The first part. I don’t need to fist you.”
I grin as I grab my keys from the dresser, enjoying the feeling that, once again, we’re completely aligned. “Oh, and I think we can move the hot wax from a question mark to a yes, if you’re planning to update it, that is.”
Then I turn and leave his room to go home, feeling very proud of myself for how I handled all of that. Even if I did just leave voluntarily to go back to my creepy house all alone.
Just one more sleep until Jack and Jenny will be there to keep me company.
“Are you out of your mind?”John nearly shouts at me as he walks into my house to find Jack lying on the floor in front of me and Jenny nudging my hip with her fuzzy little nose, demanding more attention from where I sit on the couch.
“What?” I ask calmly, scratching behind Jenny’s ears. “Aren’t they the cutest thing in the world? They’re miniature babies.”
