“Where are the bathrooms?” I ask because how are we supposed to have sex when there’s no place for me to clean up first?
“It’s got to be around here somewhere, right? Damn it, Chad, are we about to shit in the woods?” Blake says, probably worried about the same thing I am. Well, and the actual shitting in the woods part.
I clearly didn’t think this through.
“Let’s circle back to this because we should probably get out. They’re staring at us,” I point out. My stomach is fluttering with anticipation as I open the door and Blake does the same. John and Liam are looking at us with understandably confused expressions. They have two tents already set up, a camp table, campchairs, and a cooler of their own. As we get closer, I yell, “Surprise!”
John stays frozen in place, so Liam speaks. “Uh, hey. What are you guys doing here?”
“We thought we’d tag along for the weekend!” I explain, trying to sound peppy even though John doesn’t look at all happy like I’d imagined he would. “Surprise?”
26
JOHN
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I finally demand as I push out of my seat. I know I sound pissed, but I can’t help it.
Chad shouldn’t be here.
“Uh, Blake, maybe we should give them a minute?” Liam suggests as he stands from his chair. “There was a really pretty lake not too far from here that I’d love to show you.”
“Yes! A lake! Perfect,” Blake quickly agrees. Liam grabs my keys before taking Blake’s outstretched hand, and they hurry to my car.
“Chad. What the fuck are you doing here?” I repeat harshly, stuck on that question because I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the fact that Chad is standinghereof all places.
“I’m sorry, John. I didn’t realize my being here would make you so upset. I thought maybe you were starting to like spending time with me even when it wasn’t about sex…” He trails off, words tight as if he’s trying not to cry as he stares down at his feet.
Fuck! Everything about this is wrong.
Chad shouldn’t be here when I’m wallowing about Luke’sdeath. Hell, Liam wasn’t even with me the first few years I did this, but then I let my plans slip, and he asked if he could join me, and it turned into a whole thing.
And I guess it was nice to not actually be alone when I was feeling so empty. And I guess now Chad, and by extension Blake, have done the same thing.
And other than the fact I was so surprised by Chad’s presence, it’s not like I dislike the idea of camping with him. Being around Chad always makes things more interesting at the very least, that’s for sure.
It’s just… the part of me that still feels like I’m betraying Luke whenever I’m with Chad is so much louder right now when I’m meant to be here in honor of him. The guilt I feel about wanting more with Chad, the voice in my head telling me how shitty it is that I’m trying to replace Luke, it’s all so much harder to ignore while Chad is here, demanding my attention.
I’m supposed to be focusing on the memories I have in this spot with Luke. But I never want to upset Chad. I hate that I’m the reason he looks so close to tears right now.
Fuuuck.
“I’m not upset that you’re here, Princess,” I grunt out, trying to reassure him. I step closer to grab his hand because, even though I’m feeling way too many things right now, I also don’t love the distance between us.
He takes my hand, squeezing it, looking for reassurance.
“And you’re right,” I force myself to admit. “I have…” Fuck, how do I even say this without sounding like a sap? I can’t think of anything so I end up spitting out, “I like being around you, okay?”
He looks up, finally meeting my gaze as a slight smile tilts the corners of his lips, and he squeezes my hand again. “Good. I like being around you too.” But then his expression sobers. “So why are you so upset?”
“Because…” I trail off. I know I owe him an explanation, but how do I possibly explain this to him? “Because you’re you!” I blurt. “You’re always so carefree and fun. You make everyone around you happier without even trying!”
His eyes go wide, even more confused. “And that’s a bad thing?”
“It is when I’m supposed to be mourning my ex!” I nearly shout, and we both flinch. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m fucking everything up again.” I drop his hand and try to turn away from him, but he grabs my arm before I can.
“John, you’re not fucking anything up. You can talk to me. You’re supposed to be mourning Luke? What does that mean? Why are you really here?”
“Because he couldn’t be,” I blurt again, the answer automatic.
