How does Chad always pull the truth out of me even when I don’t want to share things? I bite my lip to stop anything else from coming out, and I inhale deeply through my nose. But I don’t pull away from Chad’s grip. Can I really do this? Can I actually talk to him about Luke?
I glance back at Chad, and he’s giving me the most encouraging, hopeful smile. I don’t deserve it. I just fucking yelled at him when he thought spending the weekend together would make me happy. And the most frustrating thing of all, is that I think it would.
And I think that means I have to try to talk to him.
I owe Chad that much. But more than that, I think for the first time, I might want to talk about Luke with someone. My filter right now is practically nonexistent with how high my emotions are running after the surprise of Chad showing up in this place with no warning, but I’ve gone this far; I can’t take back what I’ve already said.
Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I can attempt a new way to honor Luke this weekend instead of drowning all alone in the memories of him and what we had.
I’ve never wanted to talk about him because in a fucked-up way, I felt like sharing him with anyone else would mean I kept less of him. He was mine, and what we had was ours. We didn’t tell people we were together when he was alive, so starting to claim him after he was gone felt like a betrayal.
But, Chad, and all of his endless support and positivity, knowing about Luke and what we shared when he was alive, I guess that doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. Especially if it helps Chad to understand I’m not really upset with him, that he didn’t do anything wrong.
“Can we sit down?” I finally suggest, and Chad quickly agrees, taking my hand again as we sit in the folding chairs next to each other. I take a deep breath.I can do this.Chad needs me to do this so he isn’t hurt by how I’ve already reacted. “Luke and I first came here when we were sixteen,” I start. He squeezes my hand tighter, and I glance up at his encouraging smile for a moment before focusing on our joined hands instead. “His dad took us. My dad was always really busy with the construction company, the one my brothers run now, and with four boys, my parents didn’t have much time to do special things with us like that, so I was thrilled to be included.”
“Were you already close with Luke?” Chad asks softly like he’s dying to know everything but is afraid to say the wrong thing and have me shut down.
But I think I want him to know, so I continue. “His family had only moved in the year before when they inherited their house from Luke’s grandparents. We clicked right away. He would invite me over to work on his dad’s bike with them, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I knew I was attracted to Luke, but I had no idea if he felt the same way, and I was too afraid to ask.”
“When did things change?”
I let out a nervous laugh before I answer. “When we came here that first time.”
“Oh,” Chad exhales.
“His dad let us share a tent. I think he just wanted his own, and his dad ended up snoring loudly enough that we knew he wasn’t eavesdropping. We stayed up late talking, and in the dark, huddled up in the small space, it felt like we were in our own little world where nothing bad could happen. We admitted we were gay, and that led to our first kiss.”
“Aww, that’s cute.” Chad is all smiles again, and it settles something in my chest.
It makes it easier to continue, and I snort another awkward laugh at his description. “We’d been close before that weekend, but we were inseparable after that.”
“So did you keep coming back here then?”
“Every year,” I confirm. “And when he died…”
“You kept coming?” Chad guesses, and I nod. “I’m glad you had Liam so you weren’t all alone.”
“Oh, he only started joining me three years ago,” I admit.
Chad’s brows furrow, clearly confused. “Why didn’t he come sooner?”
“He…” I trail off, not sure if I should go into detail about just how little Liam actually knows. “Liam has no idea why I come here.”
“You never told him about the kiss?” Chad guesses.
I sigh, but I know it’s time to admit the truth. “I never told him Luke and I were together.”
“What?” Chad shouts. “He’s your best friend!”
“He had his own shit,” I insist, but I know it’s a bad excuse. “No one knew that Luke or I were gay in high school, Chad. It was nothing against Liam; we just didn’t want to deal with the drama that came with coming out in a small town. We had each other and that was enough.”
“But then, did no one know you were together when he passed?” he asks, sounding horrified. “Like, even your family?”
I shake my head. “They knew we were living together, butwe never bothered to correct anyone that we were more than roommates.”
“Holy shit, John. That must’ve made it so much harder to tell people while you were dealing with losing him.”
“Which is why I didn’t,” I admit.
