Rafe’s expression remains unreadable as we continue walking, but I can tell he’s thinking, analyzing. He’s always been the calculated one, the one who plans ten steps ahead. That’s why he’s a don, and I’m just the capo drowning in whiskey and regret.
“You’re an idiot,” he finally says.
I snap my head to the side, glaring at him. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re an idiot.” He takes another sip. “Giving her the choice to stay was the right move, but letting her go without even fucking asking her to explain herself was foolish.”
My anger spikes. “What right did I have to do that?”
Rafe stops walking and turns to face me, his eyes hard and unyielding. “You’re not the only one hurting in the aftermath of the shit show that went down with the pakhan. Do you think your wife isn’t going through stuff? You gave her a choice, sure. But did you ever consider that she might not want that choice? That she wasn’t in any state to make a decision that big, that quickly?”
I frown, unsure how to respond.
“How did you behave around her after she got shot?” he presses.
“I was caring, concerned, maybe a bit overbearing.” I swallow. “And…distant.”
“Why?”
“Because I feel guilty!”
“And so you pushed her away,” Rafe says, stepping closer. “You pushed her away prematurely in case she chose to leave. You probably thought it’d make your pain easier to handle—which is bullshit, by the way. Ask me how I fucking know.” He scoffs. “When she needed you the most, you shut down and made her feel like she was alone in this world. Blake didn’t need you to give her an out from this life. She needed you to be with her in it. To face it together.”
I clench my jaw, the words hitting a nerve. Is it possible he’s right? “Iwasthere with her. I watched her fight for her life aftershe got a bullet in her belly. She never would've been shot if it weren’t for me.”
“We are all responsible for our own decisions, Nero. You told me she wanted to go through with Gino’s plot. She knew the risks involved.”
I shake my head. “Did she?”
“Don’t be condescending. Of course she did. She’s not an idiot. Whatever her motivations were, she thought it was worth it.”
She wanted to helpmeso that I wouldn’t be Alessio’s lackey anymore. She wanted to get me out of a situation that a normal fucking man would never even find himself in.
We sit down on a bench. Ordinary people move past us—people whose daily lives aren’t defined by life-or-death stakes.
I never wanted to be one of them.
Until now.
Something swift and silent tears through my chest. “I don’t want to be a gangster anymore.”
In my periphery, I see Rafe look at me.
My palms press against the bench, my fingers wrapping around its edge. “What the fuck is the point of this? Any of this? I always thought living this life would make me the right kind of man. A man who deserves respect. A man who can provide. Who can protect. But that’s not true, is it? It was a fantasy I created for myself. I just didn’t want to become like my father—stubbornly principled and useless.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“Am I?”
“It’s not about whether you’re a mobster or not. Maybe the problem is you romanticized the lifestyle, and now that you love someone, you’re finally realizing it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. There are trade-offs. Ones I’m very familiar with.”
Fuck. Is Rafe right? Have I romanticized this life up until now? Perhaps. And in doing so, maybe I dismissed Blake’s fears instead of figuring out how we could tackle them together head-on. She was afraid being in this world would change her, and I kept telling her she was wrong…but was she?
Haven’t I noticed the change in her? She became more cautious here in New York. And also more bold and more brave.
Instead of denying reality, I could have acknowledged it. And I could have reassured her that even though she was adapting to her circumstances, it wasn’t something she had to fear. I could have told her that nothing would ever take her inherent goodness away. That if anything, her goodness shone even fucking brighter in the shadows.
But none of that would have saved her from getting shot. That happened because of me, because of who I am.
