I crouch down in front of her and lift her chin with my knuckle. “You’re telling me you considered his offer for the sake of our damn mission?”
Her lips waver. “I just froze. I-I didn’t know what you’d want to do.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You didn’t know whatI’dwant to do?”
“No.”
“What did you think I’d say? ‘Sure, Blake. Go ahead and fuck that slimy scumbag. I’ll wait for you at home.’ Where are we? On Mars? On what fucking planet do you think that would have happened?”
Her chin quivers. “You hate working for Alessio. You hate being powerless. I saw how upset you were after that poker night, and you weren’t faking it for Maksim’s sake, Nero.” She sniffs. “I knew you wouldn’t like what Maksim was proposing, but maybe you’d think it was worth—”
My fingers dig into her knees. “For fuck’s sake, of course I don’t. I would rather spend ten lifetimes working for Alessio than have Maksim lay his hands on you for even a second.”
She sucks in a shaky breath. “In your world, wives are pawns, aren’t they?”
I frown. Where is this coming from? “Why would you think that?”
“Why wouldn’t I? Just look at Ekaterina. It’s clear Maksim doesn’t love her, and he has no problem using her to help him achieve his own goals. Her help doesn’t even earn her his loyalty. I was so angry at her after that awful lunch, but now I feel sorry for her. What a miserable life she must live.”
“Their relationship has nothing to do with us,” I say firmly. It’s slowly starting to make sense. She’s trying to understand the rules of our world, how relationships can work in it, but she’s got no good reference for it. All she had were her parents—hardly a good example of a partnership—and now Maksim and Ekaterina.
“Blake, you can’t assume everyone is like Maksim and Ekaterina. Their dysfunction would likely be there whether Maksim was part of the Bratva or not.”
“You’re really telling me what they have isn’t the norm amongst the people you know?”
“Do relationships like that exist? Yes. Is it the norm? No. If only you knew how fucking crazy Rafe is about Cleo, or the kind of relationships her sisters have with their men, you would realize that there are plenty of us who find Maksim disgusting for how he treats his wife. Look at Vita and Gino—”
“Vita is a player in her own right,” she snaps. “Maybe that’s what she’s had to do in order to survive. But I will never be like her. I don’twantto be like her. So where does that leave me, Nero?”
“Exactly as you are.” Doesn’t she understand that she doesn’t need to change a thing?
She gives her head a hard shake. “Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and feel like I’m drowning. I have no agency, no autonomy. You forced me to marry you. You forced me into this world, and even after weeks of trying to make it here, I still don’t know how to. I froze completely in Maksim’s office, and I’ll freeze again. Maybe in a situation where it might cost me my life. Or yours.”
“Baby—”
“I’m scared!” An angry tear slips down her cheek. “I’m scared that I will never have the strength to make it here unless I do things I don’t want to do and become someone I don’t want to be.”
My chest grows tight. I wrap my arms around her and pull her against me. It kills me that this is how she feels, because I know that for her whole life, she’s never felt like she was enough.
Not in Darkwater Hollow, and not here either.
But there’s one place where she will always be enough. Where she will always belong. Right here with me.
I just need to make her see it.
When her quiet sniffles recede, I lean back and look at her face. “You’re not a pawn, and I will never treat you like one. We tried to do something very difficult, something most mob wives would never even attempt to do. You’re so fucking brave, baby. And so damngoodfor trying to help a bastard like me.”
A strange drama plays out across her face. There are so many conflicting emotions rushing through her eyes that I struggle to understand them.
I brush the hair from her face. “But you don’t need to be brave for my sake, Sunshine. I know you’re feeling guilty for what happened in Darkwater Hollow, but you have nothing to feel guilty for, and it’s about time you accept that.”
I thought my words would comfort her, but instead, her gaze turns haunted. She pushes my hands off her and rises to her feet.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. We’ve failed.”
I stand too. “Do you know why I agreed to do this even though it made me sick with worry to bring you into it all?”
“Because becoming capo would help you keep me safe.”
