Page 16 of Endless Depths

The sandpaper scratch of his stubble against my cheek unlocks a tidal wave of tactile memories, starting with his cheek pressed against mine when we danced at our wedding. We got married on theBriar Anteros, cleared the deck and used it for a dance floor. It’s one of my favorite memories.

After the sun set, we slow danced under the stars. Cole was exhausted, but he didn’t want to stop. He rested his head on my shoulder so tenderly, my heart ached with gratitude and disbelief that this treasure of a man was mine.

I pull back and gently wipe my tears from Cole’s face. “Put the mask back on.”

Javi does, tears falling silently. I kiss Cole’s forehead and lie beside him again. Javi takes my temperature, then adds another blanket, wrapping it over my head like a hood. “I need to talk to Wes. I’ll be right back. Keep talking to him.” He squeezes past us.

I stroke Cole’s sandy hair as Javi’s footsteps fade. “I lied to you on our wedding day when I promised until death do us part. I’ll never stop being your husband. So if you’re tired, or in pain; ifyou have to go, know that you won’t be alone. You’ll take a part of my soul with you. Please don’t suffer to stay for me. I’ll find you again someday.”

If he’s listening, he shows no sign of it. Maybe he’s already gone, but I’ll do what I can to comfort him.

“Do you know when I fell in love with you? I bet if you could talk, you would say that it was love at first sight because you’re adorable like that. But you would be wrong. I fell in love with you in the frozen food aisle a few months after my uncle kicked me out.

“Seb dropped a carton of strawberry ice cream in the cart. You rolled your eyes and put it back, and said, ‘Morgan doesn’t like strawberries.’ Seb turned to me. ‘Why do you eat them then?’ I didn’t want to say that I was grateful to be fed at all because sometimes my parents forgot to feed me, let alone buy my favorite groceries.

“You paid attention to me. You learned my preferences. I don’t know if you kept a little log or something, but maybe you can open your eyes and tell me?” I pause, but he doesn’t respond. “Seb gave me a home and a family, but that day at the grocery store was the first time I felt taken care of, even though you were younger and acted unserious all the time.

“When you said, ‘Morgan likes peaches,’ with a cheeky little wink behind Seb’s back, I fell in love with you because I really did like peaches, but somehow you knew that I liked boys. You said, ‘I like peaches too,’ and dropped a carton of ice cream in the cart.

“While Seb pushed the cart away, oblivious, you said, ‘Your secret is safe with me.’ I believed you because you always made me feel safe. Then your cute ass skipped along ahead to intercept Seb when he picked a frozen combo pizza. ‘Let’s get pepperoni too.’ Because you knew that I hated mushrooms.

“That’s when I fell in love with you, and I’ve loved you every day since. Thank you for seeing the sadness beneath my anger, for continuing to love me even when I was an asshole. Your unconditionallove was the first I ever felt. I wish I had acted then instead of pining over you for years when I knew you were pining too. I wish you could tell me when you fell in love with me too.”

A few minutes later, Javi returns and helps me dress in warm layers. The door opens. Alejo dips his head in, breathless, dripping water onto the floor, eyes rimmed red. He darts a look to me and Cole.

“Lawrence told me to grab the gear to climb the crow’s nest.”

Javi rummages through a trunk, then passes it to him. “Tell him to be careful. You be careful too.”

The door closes. Cole’s pulse speeds from a slow march to a fury.

“What’s wrong?”

Javi doesn’t answer as he pulls the blankets down and reveals an IV on Cole’s other arm, connected by tubing to a bag of fluid hanging on a coat hook. How did I miss that? He stands and unrolls a clamp on the tubing that makes the fluid drip faster, then runs the blood pressure cuff connected to the AED machine. It takes less than a minute to finish. Ninety over thirty-eight.

With calm precision, Javi dumps a syringe from a purple cardboard box and injects a small amount into Cole’s IV.

“It’s the cold stress and blood loss. He stopped breathing the last time he did this, but it will be a lot easier to get him back with you here to help.”

He pulls out an Ambu bag from his medical kit. We learned how to use it when he made us all get CPR certified. Cole said it looked like a blue buoy.

A wave smacks into theBriar’sstern, nearly throwing me on top of Cole.

Javi connects the Ambu bag to the oxygen tank and hands it to me. “All you have to do is seal the mask tightly to his face and squeeze, then count to six, and squeeze again.” He tilts Cole’s head back and demonstrates. “See how his chest lifted? That’s how you know you did it correctly. Try it.”

I take the bag. It’s surreal. I think I’m dissociating. This isn’t Cole. I’m not learning how to save his life. I’m squeezing a blue buoy and that’s it.

“Perfect. If his heart stops, I’ll do chest compressions. If I have to shock him, you can’t touch him anywhere, okay?”

“You said this happened before?”

He nods. My mind races away with the thought of him performing CPR on Cole, breaking more ribs and battering his body as he tried to revive him.

“Maybe we should let him go. I don’t want to hurt him even more.”

“I don’t want that either, but the Coast Guard is ten minutes away. We have to try to get him to the helicopter.”

“Okay.” I exhale.