Page 19 of Endless Depths

“Shay knows what it’s like to lose a sibling,” Morgan says.

A seagull lands on top of the post at the end of the dock and shakes the damp from its feathers before settling in for the night. Some fishermen believe that fallen sailors lost at sea return as seagulls. Maybe it was a comfort to them to have their brothers close, but seagulls haunt every fishing vessel, and that’s a lot of ghosts.

“Do you think Shay is still Lexie’s sister, even though Lexie died?” I ask.

Morgan’s brows dart together. “You don’t feel like you’re Seb’s brother anymore?”

I shake my head.

“I wasn’t born with a brother, but Seb became mine, and after he died…” He shifts his gaze to the water, thick lashes fanning his cheeks as he blinks. “I’m still his brother, and so are you. Death doesn’t change that.”

A breeze skates across Lake Union, a whisper from the north. Morgan sidles closer, and wraps his arm around my shoulders. I tense. It’s the most we’ve touched in months.

“Please let me hold you,” Morgan says. “It’s our anniversary.”

“I know what day it is.”

He strokes the wedding band tattoo on my left hand, and I rest my head on his shoulder.

“Thank you.” Morgan kisses the crown of my head.

I don’t know what the hell he’s thanking me for. If I were him, I’d hate me.

We sit in silence as the boats sway gently on their tethers.There’s nothing to talk about. We’ve already said all the things we could have said to make this work. Memories are all we have left.

People walk their dogs. Dusk turns fully dark. Traffic slows until the automatic lights at the intersection blink on empty roads.

Muscle spasms burn through my battered bones. It’s nothing compared to the pain of sharing space with Morgan, of thinking about Seb, but I sit with my misery. Every time we’re together feels like the last time, and I’m greedy. I’ll take what I can, even if we’ll both pay for it later.

“Rest your head in my lap.” He guides me onto my good side and strokes my scalp with his fingertips. He always knows when I’m hurting.

A powerful gust of wind stirs the brackish water and exhales mist against my skin, a far cry from the icy spray of windswept waves in the Bering Sea.

“Knowing what you know now, would you still marry me?” Morgan asks.

“I would.” No consideration necessary. “What about you?”

As soon as I ask, I wish I hadn’t. I wouldn’t blame him if his answer changed.

His hand stills. “I’d marry you over and over again, Cole. No matter how much it hurts.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

He lifts my left hand and kisses my knuckles. “If we both want this, why can’t we fix us?” His voice breaks.

“I don’t know.” I can’t explain it.

Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I let us be happy? Why do I resent him for saving me? Why didn’t the ocean take me?

“I should go.” I plant my palm on the dock and push up to sitting.

“No. Stay. We don’t have to talk. I’m sorry.”

“You did nothing wrong.”

He reaches for my hand like he wants to pull me from the water, but I’m locked in a cage hurtling to the bottom of theocean. I can't drag him down with me. I rise to my feet with reckless speed, and pain shoots through my sciatic nerve, showering my leg with pins and needles. I teeter back toward the ground.

“Careful.” Morgan jumps up, and steadies me with his hands on my hips.