Page 78 of Endless Depths

“Seb, you made me your brother, and showed me what it was like to be a family. A real family. Not people connected only by blood and a last name. I don’t know where I would be right now if you hadn’t opened your home to me. You took care of people like that. It’s so rare.” His voice breaks. “Without you here, I feel like I’m on my own again. I wish I could have saved you. I wish…”

I tug Morgan into a hug. He stiffens at first, which kills me, but then he hugs me back as tightly as when he tried to stop the ocean from taking me, and buries his face in my neck, shoulders shaking with smothered tears. TheBriarsways gently beneath our feet, and a star-filled sky glows overhead, reminding me of the night we danced onBriar’sdeck. Our life was just beginning then. But now Seb’s gone, and our marriage is ending, and I want to go back to that night. I want to go back to before Seb died.

“You’re not on your own.” Wes squeezes Morgan’s shoulder. “We’re your family.”

The others agree. I wish I could too, but I’m the reason he feels so alone.

Morgan pulls away from me first, avoiding my gaze, and brushes the tears from his cheeks with a frustrated sweep of his fingertips. “Thanks.”

I feel so empty, the weight of Seb’s bag of artifacts comforts me, but soon my hands will be just as empty. I clear my throat. “You guys ready?”

“You don’t want to say anything?” Morgan asks.

I shake my head, avoiding his gaze. “The things I need to say are between me and my brother.”

There’s no point in making any grand farewells. Seb’s not here. He can’t hear me. When people talk to the dead, they’re unburdening themselves, but my guilt and abject loss can’t be put in a canvas bag and thrown overboard; it’s stitched into my heart. I’ll carry it forever.

But if Seb were here, if he could hear me, I’d apologize for letting him down, for how I’ve hurt his son, and my husband. I’d tell him how utterly fucked up I am now that he’s gone, and how much I wish I had drowned. I’d offer to trade places with him. No. I wouldn’t offer. I would beg.

I would thank him for raising me, for taking care of me when I was sick, for defending me from my dad’s disappointment, and protecting me from his method of punishment, especially when he drank. I’d thank him for teaching me everything he knew about crab fishing so I’d always have a way to take care of myself, for nursing my injuries, for bringing me my husband.

But he’s not here.

“Wait. Not yet,” Morgan says. “Finn wants to watch.” He pulls out his phone, and calls Shay. “We’re ready. Alright, Finn. Are you sure you want to do this? Okay.” Morgan turns his phone around, and Finn’s face glows out from the screen.

I’m really glad he felt up to joining us. He wasn’t sure when we talked a few hours ago.

“Hey, Uncle Cole! Hey, guys.”

I plaster on a smile and wave. “Hey, Finn! Miss you, kid.”

Finn smiles thinly as the guys greet him. I should have stayed home this season like Morgan planned. Fuck fishing. Finn needs us.

“Did you remember to put the boat in, Uncle Mor?” Finn asks.

“Yep,” Morgan says.

“And the mittens? I don’t want Daddy to be cold.”

“And the book and letter to go with it.”

Our view of Finn cartwheels out of his hands and lands on the floor, giving us a view of the ceiling at Seb’s house.

“Whoops!” Finn says, appearing upside down. Next, we get a closeup of his hand, before he’s back on the sofa again. He straightens his spine, then looks away and back. It’s an uncanny imitation of Seb’s body language when he tried to mask his fear. “Okay. I’m ready.”

“Let me talk to Finn real fast.” I swipe the phone from Morgan, and pass him Seb’s bag, then take Finn on a field trip to the forepeak.

“Uncle Cole?”

“Sorry.” I close the door, shutting out the noise of the ocean. “I just wanted to tell you something.”

“What?”

“When I was little, I was scared of a lot of things, but your daddy always made me feel brave.”

“How?” Finn whispers, eyes glinting with curiosity the same way they do whenever I volunteer information about Seb.

“He’d say, ‘Look at me. Do I look scared?’ and I’d always say no, even if he did.” I laugh. “Then he’d tell me, ‘Don’t be scared. I’ll take care of you,’ and he always did.”