Page 44 of Freeze Frame

“I’m not sure that I don’t.” Pushing away from the computer, I rubbed at my tired eyes.

“You’re going to have to elaborate for me, River. Let me know where you’re at. What you’re feeling.”

“Can you…” I cleared my throat, suddenly aware of how hard it clamped down on my rising emotions. “Can you call me Josh? Except when I’m actively on camera?”

“Of course. Did you want me to send a memo to the guys so they know too? Or am I doing too much?” Lukas shot me a sheepish grin. He meant well, but sometimes he could get too eager. In this case, I appreciated the way he wanted to be as accommodating as possible.

“It would save me from needing to have this conversation a bunch of times.”

“Consider it done.” Lukas eyed me for a moment. “Can I ask why or is that too personal?”

I’d gone by River since before my top surgery. It was the name I’d picked when I’d left my original one behind. I shed my birth name and became River, the trans guy with a fake last name who shot porn as a way to reclaim his body. It had takenme years and the surgery to feel more comfortable in my skin, but now when people used the name River, it didn’t feel like it was me anymore.

“When I chose the name River and I started working in the industry, River became like a stage name, you know. And for a long time, that was great. I liked being River, the hot trans guy. But recently, ever since I met David, he’s called me Josh. River is like an old version of me. River is the man who needed validation and confidence from outside sources. River is the guy who still sometimes wonders if he’s enough. Josh knows he’s enough. Josh goes on dates and opens up to people.” A sigh ripped out of me, taking my bones with it, and I slumped in the chair. “Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be done transitioning.”

“Maybe I’m a dumb cis guy, but maybe you’re not supposed to be done. I’m not done changing and learning and growing, and I have a few years on you. I’m not the same Lukas I was even a year ago, and I don’t think we’re supposed to be. For example, the Lukas from a year ago would never look you in the face and tell you that he’s extremely dyslexic and that he’s hidden it for years because he was ashamed.”

My jaw dropped open, and I just stared at him. Lukas bent forward and scooped Nitro up off the floor.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed about.” I said, meaning every word.

“That’s a lesson I’m still trying to learn. I hired Sawyer to write my book for me, as you know, but not because I didn’t have the talent to write, but because it takes me an eternity to read anything. I’ve gone out of my way for years to keep this secret from people, but over time, I changed. And now I’m more comfortable telling people.”

Lukas stroked his fingers through Nitro’s fur, and I watched my dog practically melt into Lukas’s lap.

“I think we’re supposed to change. It’s part of life. Part of growing up and getting older. Part of settling down and finding where we fit in the world.”

We were quiet for a while, and then Lukas looked at me. “I’ll schedule a scene for you, but I want you to really think about this, Riv—Josh. You’ve been happy to work behind the camera for months now, and you’ve really blossomed from being a good cameraman to a great director. Your eye for angles and detail is amazing.”

“You don’t think I should do it?”

His answering sigh sounded exasperated. “I didn’t say that. I said that before David came along, you were already happy to work behind the camera more and more. You love editing the footage. You’re amazing with the guys during the scenes. You’ve spent a lot of time this year working on these new skills, these new interests. I don’t want you to do a scene if it’s not going to make you happy. This industry will eat you alive if you let it.”

“David knows what I do for a living. He says he’s okay with it.”

Lukas didn’t answer right away. It was one of the things I loved and hated about him. How he would just sit there and think about what came out of his mouth, and sometimes it was during those pauses that I’d realize how I really felt about something I’d said.

“You don’t believe he’s actually okay with it, and you want to test him.” Lukas tilted his head. “Is that it?”

I wanted to say no.

I wanted to argue with Lukas. But my eyes wouldn’t roll in a dismissive manner, and my mouth wouldn’t let me scoff at him.

“He says he’s watched my stuff, and that he liked it. And that it didn’t make him jealous.”

“Did you want it to make him jealous? Jealousy isn’t always a fun emotion to deal with, but sometimes it can make us feel goodwhen someone gets jealous over us. It makes us feel important to them.”

Oh, God. Did I want to make David jealous?

Oh, God. I did.

I wanted David to be out of his mind with jealousy. I wanted him crazy with it. I wanted it to make him lose his cool and demand I never work again. Not with anyone else. I wanted him to haul me close to him and kiss me until I forgot that I’d ever kissed anyone else. If he was jealous, if he was out of his mind with it, that meant that he loved me, right? That he cared about me? I knew that wasn’t at all how things worked, logically, but emotions weren’t logical.

I loved David, and I wanted him to love me back so badly that I was practically desperate for it to be true. So instead of being patient or talking to him about how I felt, I’d wanted to do something stupid to test him.

“I don’t think I should do that scene. At least not right now,” I admitted to Lukas, who nodded like he’d expected me to reach that conclusion all along.

“I think that’s a wise decision. If you want to do one later, for the right reasons, I’ll be happy to pair you up with someone. Maybe Brandon, since older guys are apparently your type.”