“This might not be the right time to ask this, but are you two still planning on splitting up?”
I nod.
“But,” Greer hesitates, “is that still what you want?”
Do I want to leave? No, not really.
“I don’t think it matters what I want anymore. He wants…” I stammer.
Aside from my family, no one knows that kids aren’t an option for me. Beck wants kids. I can’t give him kids. Me leaving just makes sense. Finding that book was a sign that I need to get out before it’s too late. It’s like the universe wanted me to see it before I put myself through something it knew I couldn’t come back from.
“It very much so matters, Calla.”
“I can’t have kids,” I say so quietly that I’m almost worried I didn’t actually say it.
When I look up at my friends, though, both have expressions that are a mix of pain and sadness. Knowing them, they won’t ask questions, but maybe talking about it will help.
“When I was in high school, I had abnormal bleeding so bad and so frequently that I was admitted to the hospital multiple times. Eventually, a hysterectomy was the best option to keep me safe.”
Greer’s hand goes to her mouth while a tear slips down Willa’s cheek.
“Beck wants kids, and I can’t.” I don’t even get the words out before I’m shaking my head and crying right along with them.
“Does he know?” Willa asks.
“Yes, but we haven’t talked about it. I was so mad when I found the book that I just blurted it out. We argued. He left, the accident happened, and it doesn’t even matter.”
“It does though.”
“Why?”
“He still wants to be with you,” Greer says.
“Yes, he does,” Willa whispers. “You can see it every single time he looks at you.”
My mind wanders to all the moments Beck and I have had this week. All the times I’ve caught him watching me. All the times he’s tried to make conversation with me over these things and I changed the subject. The result, no matter how much we discuss it, is that we shouldn’t be together.
“Do you want to talk about this right now?” Willa asks.
“Not really. Quick, someone change the subject. Make me laugh.”
“Zane let me paint his toes the other night,” Willa says at the same time Greer says, “I caught Matt cheating on me, so I cut the crotch out of all his underwear.”
The three of us exchange looks and then burst into laughter.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime,” Greer says.
I take a deep breath before I speak again. “The choice of whether I can have kids was taken from me. I don’t want to take the choice from someone else. That’s exactly what I’d be doing if I let Beck stay married to me.”
“Understandable.” Greer nods. “But you should talk it over with Beck and let him make that choice.”
“That’s just it.” I groan. “I know he’ll pick me.”
Even though I forgave him, letting him believe this book thing is why I’m leaving is easier than the truth. The truth is complicated.
“So that’s the problem?” Willa asks.
