“It’s fine. Nothing happened.”Except for those few moments you made my body burn.
He links his fingers together and places his hands behind his head, his face screwing up with disgust. “I was about to fuck you.”
My body deflates. Why is this happening? Why do I let myself get pulled toward him only for him to reject me? “Am I so repulsive? Does the thought of having sex with me sicken you?”
Dropping his hands by his sides, his eyes widen. “How can you think that? Every time I am near you I can’t keep my hands to myself.”
I pick up a pillow and hug it to my chest. “That’s not how I see it. Every time things get heated between us, you run away like I’m enemy number one.”
“You’re not my enemy.”
“Why are you running away from me then? Why don’t you finish what we start?” It’s time to lay everything out. Whatever his problem is, it’s affecting what’s happening between us. If he can’t be open and honest, then this is it. No more. No matter howmuch I’m drawn to him. I can’t keep putting myself through this torture.
The bed dips as he sits on the edge. He places his forearms on his thighs and lets his hands dangle between his legs. Staring at the floor, he says, “I’m fucking scared.”
Spoken so softly and with his back toward me, I’m not sure I heard right. “What did you say?”
He turns his head over his shoulder to look at me. “I’m scared.”
I sit up on my knees on the mattress, tossing the pillow on the bed. “Are you scared of me?”
He shakes his head. “No, not of you. What can happen if we have sex.”
The room is too dark for this conversation. I lean over and flick on the lamp sitting on the nightstand. Studying his face in the dim light, his sullen expression tells me he’s deadly serious. “What do you mean?”
“If we have sex, there’s a chance you’ll get pregnant. I’m fucking petrified of another unplanned pregnancy.”
Wait… What? He’s worried I’ll get pregnant?
He bounds from the bed. “As much as I love Lily and could never imagine life without her, I can’t raise another baby on my own. I can’t look into another child’s eyes and try to understand how a parent can abandon her. Lily is asking questions about her mother. How the fuck do I tell her that her mother didn’t want her? That she screwed me once then dumped Lily at my feet without looking back.” Hayden’s head drops to stare at the floor.
When Harper told me Hayden has his reasons for acting the way he does…is this why? He’s worried if we sleep together, I’ll get pregnant and leave him to raise another baby on his own. Part of me is furious he could think that of me. I’d never be so heartless. Then I take one look at him and my heart breaks for him and for what he’s been through.
Getting off the bed, I walk to him and place my hand on his arm. “I would never do that to you or to a baby. Is it only me that scares you? Do you think I’m capable of abandoning a baby?” A stabbing pain pierces my heart. Does he think so low of me? “Are you like this with other women you’ve slept with?”
Hayden clutches onto my shoulders. “No, I don’t think you’re cruel. After having Lily, I’m too scared to take that risk…with anyone. I know it sounds ridiculous. I know the chances of it happening again are slim. Yet I can’t let myself go there again.”
“Wait…are you saying you haven’t had sex since Lily was born?” How is that possible? Hayden is gorgeous, caring, sweet with a wicked side to him. Any woman within walking distance would want a piece of him.
“Yes.”
“She’s eight.”
He nods. “At first, I was so busy trying to keep her alive. Between feeding, changing diapers, and washing bottles, I never left the house. When she slept, I took the time to read everything about babies I could put my hands on. I worked from home most days or took her with me into the office. I had no interest in anything else. When she got older and started school, I went back to work full-time, working from home as much as possible.”
“You didn’t hire a nanny?”
“No. I was raised by one and spent more time with her than my parents. I didn’t want that for Lily. She already has no mother. I want to be the one to raise her one-hundred percent of the time.”
I take him by the hand and guide him to the bed. Sitting down on the edge, I say, “You have done a wonderful job raising her. She’s a great kid.”
Pride lights up his face. “She is my life. I can’t believe I haven’t fucked it up yet.”
I laugh. “I’m sure you won’t fuck it up.”
Pulling a face, he says, “I’m dreading the teenage years.”
I scoot back on the bed, leaning my back against the headboard. Hayden follows. “Keep doing what you’re doing,” I say. “She’ll be fine.”
