“No.” He pauses, “But if he did would he get in trouble? Did he know who you are?” My mind swirls, who I am?
“Did he know that you and I dated in high school? No, but Lena can’t keep her mouth shut.”
He throws his arms up in the air and waves them around, reminiscent of a chaotic puppet. “You’re still friends with Lena?”
“Yes.”
“But I see her all the time. Why didn’t she say anything?”
I wrap my arms around my body. I don’t know what to say, and I’m not sure why he’s this mad. But it’s not a dangerous mad. No alarm bells are going off. And even if they were, I can protect myself without doing any harm to him.
“Twelve years!” He slams his hands down on the back couch. “I spent twelve years looking for you, and you were right there.” He hangs his head low, and his hair falls into his face.
Wait, what? That’s the second time I’ve heard that. Is it true? My mouth hangs open, and for once I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I want to cry or vomit.
“You were looking for me?” Everything I thought I knew was wrong. My world spins, and I’m very glad I’m sitting down.
“Of course.” He stares at me and blinks back the sadness and disbelief. “Shit, I must’ve spent like a quarter of a million dollars over the years. I hired private investigators, former military, a few former spies, and they all came up empty.”
That can’t be true. I’m not that hard to find… unless someone was running interference. But who, and why? He continues, “Then I started wondering why you didn’t ever come find me. At one point I was completely convinced that someone in my camp was keeping you away.” He pauses and looks up at the ceiling. “Do you think it was CJ?”
“CJ can’t find the fries at the bottom of a Five Guys bag,” I state flatly.
My money is on Amanda. She’s the logical choice and has the most to lose if I come back into his life. But I’m not going to say that to him. He’s got enough happening in his head without questioning the loyalty of his best friend and rock.
“This whole time you were a few feet away.” His shoulders sink. “Why didn’t you come get me?” The words swirl in my head, and two answers battle. The first: it wasn’t the plan. It was too early, and things weren’t secure yet. But the second answer guts me to my soul.
“I didn’t think you wanted me to,” I confess.
He looks so defeated and broken. Fuck, out of all the ways I tried keep him out of this mess, I never expected to hurt him like this. He drops to the couch, elbows on his knees as he runs his hands through his hair, while looking down at the floor.
“How long have you owned Mastodon?" He’s asking logical questions, after all this he deserves the truth, or at least some of the truth.
“Four years now.”
He lifts his chin and stares straight ahead. “But I’ve been a client for eight years. Did you know that when you bought it?”
“Yes.”
He’s quiet as a small grin appears. “Did you buy it because you knew I was a client, and you wanted to be near me because you're still in love with me?” Goddamnit. I knew he was going to think that. That’s what Lance and Lena thought too.
“No.”
“Geez, kick a guy while he’s down.” But he doesn’t sound hurt, the playful side of him returning. He pats the cushion next to him. Maybe being close to him is a bad idea, but I join him anyway. There’s no hesitation as he grabs my hand and laces our fingers together. My heart hurts thinking about how right this feels.
“Are you allowed to be with me, or is this some violation of ethics or something?”
“I own the company. I wrote the manual. It’s not a matter of being allowed, it's a matter of whether it's a good idea.” I pull my fingers away from his. “And it isn’t.”
“Why?”
“So many reasons.” My shoulders tense. “It hurts too much. And it’s so much worse than watching all your dreams come true without me. To walk into a grocery store and hear a song you wrote about someone else. To see your face everywhere and know you are so much better off without me.”
His thumb brushes across my cheek. My chest feels tight, my vocal cords hurt. But it’s a good kind of pain. He presses his forehead to mine and closes his eyes. And peace washes over me.
He searched for me, I wasn’t tossed aside and forgotten.
“I wanted you there the entire time.” His voice drops. “The songs were always about you.”
