My chest feels like it's being ripped in two. Because his confession doesn’t heal me like he thinks it will. No, instead it pours acid and lemon juice into every open wound. I don’t want to tell him the truth, but if I am planning on walking away, I can minimize the damage.
“My life is…complicated and dangerous. And I don’t want you to get caught up in it.” The palms of my hands rub up and down my thighs. His eyes narrow as he faces me, suspicious and knowing.
“You’re doing your ‘something’s bothering me and I’m stressed so I’m not going to tell the whole truth’ tic.” He twists and lifts his finger to my chin to lock our gaze. No one’s touched me like that. Mildly aggressive, but gentle. “What aren’t you telling me?”
The first year I owned Mastodon I was content knowing he was healthy. Amanda had done everything I asked her to. He didn’t need me in his life to feel whole. That was fine. But then I crossed paths with the Deviant, and everything became more dangerous.
Lance almost died. Lena escaped solely by luck. I had never been more grateful to see the two of them in the emergency room. But then the long uninterrupted beep of the heart monitor and the ER launching into crisis mode replayed in my mind.
“I don’t want you getting caught up in it more than you already were.”
His brow furrows as he whispers, “Explain.”
Tell him the truth and let him walk away.
“Three years ago, you were given a lethal dose of Majesty as retaliation in a drug war started by my friends and another dealer.” I replay the day in my head. “Lance blacked out after coming into contact with Majesty, and then I got the call that both of you had been admitted to the ICU.” My body shudders as the memory crashes over me.
“I called your mom, but it had been so long she didn’t recognize my voice. I walked past the doctors working on you, saw all the cords and machines keeping you alive…” I take a long breath gathering my strength. “And then the long, flat beep cut through everything. The code being shouted across the ICU, the chaos moving in slow motion.” My voice breaks. “I saw you die. And it was my fault.”
I should have been paying more attention. Lena and Grae were…are… such large targets and I failed at my job. “Your drink had been laced. You weren’t targeted because we had a history, you were just a high-profile client they had easy access to.”
I can’t look at him, and I don’t cry. It was random. Happenstance. That’s what Lena, Lance, everyone said. But it didn’t feel like it. It was my fault I played with fire, and he had the atom bomb explode on his head.
Slowly, his arm wraps around my shoulders and pulls me into his chest. I shouldn’t, but I feel like I’m home.
“It was a bad day for me too, but go ahead, make it about yourself.” He kisses the top of my head and laughs at his own joke. I don’t think it's funny at all.
“Asshat.” But I listen to his heartbeat, it's pounding but not racing, which is different from when we were kids.
“So your friends… they’re criminals?”
“Yes.” I exhale. “And so am I.” No use in lying about it. He rubs little circles with his thumb on my arm, then it stops and he stiffens.
“About two years ago, Mastodon arranged a meet and greet with some kids, but they didn’t show. Then a few hours later we did a virtual call with them. Turns out they were kidnapped and their Aunt Alana came in and saved them… that was you?” I nod into his chest. “One of those kids let it slip, they're in a mafia family.”
“Four, there are Four Families.”
“Hmmm,” he pauses. “So… you hurt a lot of people that day.”
“Yep.” His heart beats faster. “It made me kinda a big deal in some groups.”
“Cool.” His finger goes back to making circles on my shoulder. “How many weapons are in the house right now?” Good question, I do a mental tally.
“Well, everything’s a weapon if you hold it right. But including the chef knives that are in the kitchen, fifty-seven.”
“Why did you give me a two-week time limit?” He asks this quieter, making guilt claw at my chest. Because deep down I was terrified Thiago was right. I thought he didn’t want me. And I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to leave me again. Instead of saying any of that, I give the logical answer instead.
“Because between the security network and my reputation, that’s how long I thought I could keep it quiet.”
“And now?”
“News got out.” I make an explosion gesture with my hands. “You should go.” At least this time when he walks out, I’ll know why and it won’t hurt as much. But he stays.
“You spent the last four years watching over me, what else did you do? Did you get me any gigs?”
“Your career was 100% you. But Alana did introduce your mom to your stepdad.” I stop and he nudges my shoulder. “As Kinsley, there was a guy who made a poor choice with your sister.” He tenses up, his breathing stops and an icy heat takes over.
“That piece of shit was already in the hospital by the time I got there.”
