Page 53 of That Fire

“I think you’re right. One time he got a B, and he literally had a meltdown about it. God, I just pray he makes it through this. I’m tired of looking at hospitals for unnecessary bullshit. This family has been through so much in the past few years. I’m tired.”

“I know what you mean, sis. Is Mom and Dad in the room with him?”

“Yeah. Jakari already went home, and I will probably leave in a little bit too. I miss my baby.”

I smiled. “Okay. I’ll talk to you later. Be careful on the road, Shani.”

“I will.”

I ended the call and quickly got into the shower before I was distracted again. Closing my eyes as the hot water cascaded over my body, I envisioned Crew hooked to all sorts of machines. Tears fell down my cheeks uncontrollably. That was my lil brother. Despite all the bullshit, I still cared about what happened to him. I just needed him to seek help forwhatever was really bothering him. Counseling could help him tremendously. I would support him through it. Something was up with him mentally, and we needed to get to the bottom of it before it was too late.

“Crew had cocaine in his system. Judging by his behavior recently, I’m led to think he’s been using for at least the past six months. This shit is tearing me up, because I feel responsible.”

I frowned as I stared at my dad. “Why would you feel responsible?”

He slid his hand down his face. “I introduced all of y’all to marijuana usage. Everyone reacts to that shit differently. For me, I get high, and I’m good. Same for y’all. But maybe after a while, it wasn’t enough for Crew. Maybe it didn’t get him high enough anymore, and he craved more. I’m so fucking sick inside. I could have fucked my son up.”

Dad got up and left the room as Mama and Ashanni cried. What he said made sense, but I still didn’t want him to feel guilty. He was our dad. He didn’t put the joint in our hands. When we became adults, we decided we wanted to try it. We definitely grew up seeing him smoking it.

Ashanni leaned against me as she cried her eyes out. I put my arm around her, trying to console her. We’d never seen our dad this torn apart . . . not even when our grandparents died. I didn’t know what to say to him to make him think otherwise. He was going to need counseling as well to get past this blow.

Within a few minutes, he came back inside and sat next to my mama. We sat here in silence, I assumed all thinking about Crew. We were at my parents’ house, talking about things.Aaliyah was still asleep when I came here to talk to them about him.

“Does anyone know why he was beat?” Shani asked.

“According to Vegas, he believes that Crew owed them money. There would be no other reason for them to do what they did. If he was a loyal customer, they wouldn’t risk their bag by hurting him. He had a good amount on him too. A whole fucking 8 ball. When he makes it through this, he’s gonna have to do time. There may not be any getting around it,” Dad said.

“Shit! Why did he have that much?” I asked.

“Royal, that proves that he’sbeenusing and escalating. We can only pray that he makes it through this and get him the help he needs as he recovers,” my mama said.

This shit was heavy. It was also something I never thought we would have to deal with as a family. We were given all the tools we needed to succeed. I slowly shook my head, trying to process this shit. It was going to affect his life forever. It would be a daily battle to resist using again. I wished we had noticed before all this. Maybe him being more critical of me and my actions was the sign that we all missed.

I swallowed hard as I thought about his actions that I perceived to be him being jealous. Something deeper was going on with him. I took it as a personal attack on me, not knowing his spirit was in turmoil, begging for help. I lowered my head, knowing that we would all have to go through counseling to get over this heavy blow.

While I knew it was his responsibility to get help, maybe he didn’t know he needed help. I never suggested it. I just looked at his surface behavior. I didn’t want to think like dad, but if I did, I could truly say that we all failed him. When we saw his behavior changing, we all should have suggested he be evaluated. There could have been some type of mental illness we knew nothing about.

“What are we going to do in the meantime, y’all?”

“All we can do is pray and make sure he gets the mental help he needs. The way he responds will be up to him. Jail doesn’t help people. It’s not a place of rehabilitation. It’s only a place of punishment. That’s why it’s important for us to make sure counseling is available to him while he’s on the outside,” my mama said.

When my phone vibrated, I took it from my pocket. It was a message from Seven. When I opened it, I read what he had to say.

SS:Philly said whatever y’all need let him know. He didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news. He said he knew y’all would find out simply because of what was in his pockets.

Me:Tell him I said thanks. He don’t need to risk himself like that anymore though.

SS:I’ll tell Ali to tell him. It’s a cousin on his grandmother’s side that’s feeding him. They don’t have the same last name, so they don’t know he’s related to him. He’s recovering well, man. His nurse said it’s miraculous. She’s never seen nothing like it.

Me:That’s good news, man. I can’t wait until all this shit is over.

I looked up at my family, and everyone seemed to be in their heads. So I asked, “Are y’all going up there today?”

“Yep,” Dad said.

“I want to go, but I don’t want to leave Aaliyah alone. I’m gonna call her mom to go sit with her. I’m gonna go and get dressed and make sure she’s good before I leave.”

They all nodded as I headed out. This shit was a heavy blow that I could only hope our family could fully recover from.