Page 176 of Top Shelf

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ronan asks.

Silas is in my face, his hands on my cheeks.

“Yes.” I infuse more certainty into my voice. “I’m fine.” Giving Silas a reassuring smile, I look toward Ronan. “I’m ready to go now.”

Although his brow is creased with concern, he nods, and I ignore the glances repeatedly cast my way as we make our way back to the hotel.

As we walk, I replay that memory over in my head. It’s not only the fact that I heard Isaac’s voice. It’s the fact that Ifought.

I fought him. I fought back.

For years, there had always been a small, ugly voice buried somewhere deep inside me. The one who wondered. The one who blamed. The one who asked impossible questions.

Why didn’t you stop it?

Why didn’t you do more?

Now I know.

Idid. I fought.

And somehow that knowledge loosens something inside my chest.

Not enough. Not nearly enough.

But something.

Back at the hotel, nobody wants to sleep, but none of us knows what else to do either. The guys hover, protective and worried. I get asked so many variations of “Are you okay?” and “Do you want to talk about it?” that I have to tell them to stop asking.

What is there to talk about?

What is there to do?

I don’t have answers. I don’t even have a clear mind. I’m exhausted and too wired to sleep. I’m…

Honestly?

I don’t even know what I am.

I’m just done.

I don’t have it in me to take on any more today.

Eventually, Ronan convinces all of us to get into bed. The four of us squished into one king-size bed is a tight fit, but we make it work. Lucian is at my back, curled around me protectively, while I rest my head on Silas’s chest. Ronan is on his other side, arm crooked so his hand is behind his head as he stares at the ceiling.

Eventually, one by one, they drift off.

Lucian is the first to go, likely exhausted from his fight earlier. His snores are soft in my ear. Ronan goes next.I watch him fight it, his eyelids drooping before snapping open. After several minutes, they close and don’t open again.

Silas falls asleep last. I only know he’s asleep because of the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest.

I lie there, content and warm between them, but unable to fall asleep.

My thoughts are loud in the quiet room. Wide awake, I stare at the wall opposite. When one hour bleeds into two, I carefully extract myself from between Silas and Lucian and grab my phone from the nightstand.

Me

Are you awake?