Page 4 of The F*ck-It List

“Everything about that relationship was quick,” I grumble, pouring milk into the jug for steaming.

“So, you’re proving my point,” Cas says, reaching into the cupboard for two nice coffee cups, the mug they’d used for their contraband brew this morning discarded in the sink. “You could use a little excitement. You don’t even own a vibrator!”

The steam wand screeches into life, and I almost have to shout over the sound. “Why would I spend money on a vibrator when I can get myself off?” I hold my hand up and wiggle my fingers to demonstrate my trusty masturbatory tools.

Cas grips the counter and hangs their head; a deep breath being blown out. “I honestly don’t know what to do with you.”

I pick up the pad again and give it a skim. “Cas, this just says ‘butt stuff.’” I point to number twenty-three. “What makes you think I’ve never done that before?”

Their mouth twitches as they look at me, like they’re trying to hold in their smile. “You just give off the vibe of someone who’s never had something in their arsehole.”

I throw the pad down once more. “I have not had enough coffee for this conversation.”

Cas takes the perfect flat white I hand them, complete with heart latte art on top, and heads back to the couch. “Forget the sex stuff. I’ve been thinking, and I truly believe you should do everything. Starting with number five.”

My eyes go wide, not needing to refer to the notepad to know what they’re talking about. “I can’t!”

“You absolutely can.” My best friend squeezes my leg, their voice soft but brimming with conviction.

“I can’t move away,” I say, tears pricking at my eyes. “I can’t leave you.”

They give me a sad smile. “It’s the twenty-first century, babe. We can talk any time, we can video call and there’s nowhere you could move I couldn’t come and visit.” They put their coffee down in favour of turning to face me, folding their legs in front of them. “I love you, Honey Bea, you’re my person—”

“You’re my person too.”

“—which is why I can’t let you waste away in a life that’s not working for you. Come on, Bea, shake things up, start living a little.”

I can’t deny the events of my shitty week and the end of my boring relationship with a perfectly nice man are making it seem like a tempting option. I chew on my bottom lip and strum my fingers on my coffee cup. “Number five?”

“Yeah, babe.” Cas smiles with manic excitement. “Number five.”

one

No. 5: Move to the country

August

When Aunt Jemma died, I swore I’d get rid of the frilly net curtains in the living room, they’re ugly as fuck, I just never got round to it. A fact I’m grateful for as I stare through them at the moving truck across the road. It’s official, the old village shop is sold and being taken over. By astranger. My teeth grind and my nostrils flare.

“You reckon they’ll keep it as a shop?” my sister Joanie says, coming to stand next to me at the window, munching obnoxiously loud on crisps from the open family sized bag in her hand.Myfamily sized bag she pulled frommycupboard. I was looking forwardto those.

“Apparently they’ve put in a request to change it to an eatery,” Elijah, my best friend, and another cupboard raider, says, a cup of steaming instant noodle in his hand as he steps up to my other side.

“Do you people not have food at home?” I grumble.

“No,” Joanie answers simply.

“You called me over here in the small window of my day I have for lunch,” Eli says.

“I didn’t call you over,” I argue. I totally did. He gives me a flat look telling me he’s not buying my bullshit.

“What kind of eatery?” Joanie asks around a mouthful of half chewed potato.

I snatch the bag from her to find less than a handful left at the bottom and start eating them myself. “We don’t need another restaurant.”

“We don’t have one!” Joanie throws her hands up, the annoyed screech of her voice waking up Darcy, the other thing I reluctantly inherited from Aunt Jemma. The shaggy grey mutt sits up in his bed in the corner and shakes his head, collar tinkling with the movement.

Turning my head, I glare at Joanie with incredulousness and sharply gesture to my other side where Eli slurps loudly on his noodles.