Page 48 of The F*ck-It List

“No, that’s what I said to her,” I explain. “She made me come in my shorts and then I stood up and told her I had to go.”

He looks like a polaroid, staring at me unblinking, eyes slightly narrowed like he’s trying to figure out what I just said. It takes several long seconds for him to say anything. “Please tell me there were some other words before that, like a thanks for the orgasm or a promise to call?”

“Nope,” I say. “I just left.”

“Oh August.” He sighs, shaking his head.

“I panicked,” I defend weakly.

“Why?” He elongates the word, clearly exasperated by me.

“I like her,” I admit, slumping back on the sofa. “But I can’t pursue this.”

“August—”

“I don’twantto pursue this,” I interrupt his sympathetic reasoning. “If we got together, everybody would be talking about it.”

“Maybe for a while,” he agrees. “But soon something else would distract them and tongues will wag about someone else; it’s the circle of life.”

My head is shaking. “And when she gets bored of a quiet life in the country and decides she’s going to move on to the next venture, they’ll all be looking at me again with those pitying eyes and condescending arm pats.”

“August—”

“Because she will, you know. She has this list of everything she wants to do and a lot of it involves leaving the village.” Not everything, of course. There were definitely a few items on that list that I would just love to help Bea out with, right here. But things like seeing the Great Pyramids or catching the Northern Lights are not going to happen in Port Doone.

“August—”

“I don’t want a relationship, anyway,” I continue, pointedly ignoring his attempts to interject. “I’m perfectly happy on my own, and starting something up with the girl across the road is a bad idea.”

“Are you done?” Eli says, loud enough to cut me off. “Because the smell of bullshit is starting to make me queasy.”

I huff, crossing my arms over my chest. “It’s not bullshit.”

“No, you’re right,” he says patronisingly. “I believe you’re worried about all those things, but what you’re really doing is letting the past ruin your future.”

I shuffle uncomfortably on my seat. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“I know, because you haven’t talked about it for three years.” There’s that disappointment I hate. “How’s the debt collection agency been?”

I grind my teeth, glaring at him as my pity party starts feeling like a rage rave. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But it’s what’s holding you back, August, and you came here to talk about Bea.” Eli manages to look both stern and caring, his eyes soft, lips pressed into a thin line. “I love you, man, but you’ve got to live your life and stop getting caught up on the past. You can’t change what has happened, but you’re in control of what happens next.”

I deflate, my anger leaving me but doubts sticking in my gut. “She deserves better than me.”

“What?” Eli jerks back like I’ve struck him.

“She’s gorgeous and like sunshine personified. I’m just a cloud who’ll dull her shine.” I look at the ceiling feeling the weight of my own disappointment like an anvil on my chest.

My best friend in the whole world, the only guy I open up to because I trust and respect him like no other, falls forward on a snorting laugh, his head landing on my chest where he continues to laugh into the fabric of my t-shirt. I roll my eyes and grumble at him until he’s composed enough to sit up.

“Oh, sweet baby boy, that was an adorable metaphor. Wordsworth would be proud,” he guffaws.

“Shut up.” I shove at his shoulder, my cheeks heating.

“Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect argument. She’s sunshine but you’re August, and what’s August without a little sunshine.” He holds his hands out, very proud of that little ditty.

“You’re a dick,” I grumble.