Page 82 of The F*ck-It List

“Are you staying? In Port Doone?” I ask, hoping she isn’t.

“No,” she says. “I just needed a break; I’ll pick myself back up and head back to London when I’ve rested up a bit.” She starts to walk past me, and I grab her wrist to halt her. No matter what happened over the last two years, Meghan was still a huge part of my life for a long time, and I can’t turn that off completely.

“Are you okay?” I ask earnestly.

She smiles and pats the back of my hand. “I’m fine. Thank you.”

I sit in my kitchen as she shuffles into the hall, I hear her gather her bags and slide into her shoes, then she’s gone. I allow myself twenty minutes of wallowing and defeatism before I light the match of determination and decide I’m not letting Megs ruin something else, intentional or not.

twenty-seven

No. 27: Do it in public

Bea

“Honey Bea?” Cas’s voice calls as my front door closes.

“Down here,” I reply, my voice a little croaky.

I hear their booted footsteps as they approach then they’re standing over me where I’m starfishing on the stone floor, Pedro laying on my stomach, Velma on top of Pedro, Heathcliff laying on my chest. “Well, this doesn’t look comfortable,” they say, planting their hands on their hips.

“It’s not.”

“Your back is going to punish you for this when you get up.” They gracefully fold to sit cross legged next to me.

“I know,” I sigh.

“Okay, so how are we doing?” They patmy thigh.

How am I doing? My tears dried up about half an hour ago and when I felt restless on the sofa, I slid to the floor and have been staring at the white ceiling ever since. I didn’t succumb to a full-blown panic attack, but I still have a headache, my back is already a little sore, and I’m…confused. “I don’t know.”

Cas nods. “Alright, do we have a plan? You want to go full feminine rage or be the bigger person; I have an idea for both.”

My mouth hitches up at one side, appreciating my friend’s presence now more than ever. “I’m not feeling ragey, but out of interest, what was your plan for that?”

“Slash his tyres, put mushed up cookies through his letterbox and cut the heads off all those roses on his front garden.” Cas answers casually and confidently.

“Sure, sure.” I smile for real. “That would really stick it to him.”

“We can keep it in our back pocket for later.” Cas stands and holds their hands out for me, which I take and let them pull me up to my feet. Heathcliff scrambles off my chest when I start to move, and Pedro falls to the floor with Velma. “For now, let’s brush it off and get back to your highly successful café. Which, by the way, is absolutely ram packed with people who are all gushing over how fabulous your cakes are and how wonderful the café is.”

“Okay,” I sigh.

They lean in a peck a kiss on my cheek. “You okay?”

“It doesn’t make sense,” I say, shaking my head. “You remember my ex from college, Peter?”

“Pete the cheat? Yeah, I remember him.”

“Well, when he cheated on me with Becky Procter—” We both mime spitting on the floor, “—I was hurt and embarrassed, but I wasn’t really surprised, you know?”

“Yeah, because he was a walking red flag from the get-go.” Cas starts fiddling with my hair where I’m sure it’s been wrecked by my stint on the floor.

“Right, but August just isn’t like that. I just don’t see it. I can’t make sense of it.”

“Well, maybe there’s an explanation to be heard, maybe it’s not as bad as it seems. But right now, we’re getting back to work because I wasn’t exaggerating, the tourists have descended and Connor, Nina, and I are drowning a little.”

“Okay, I’m raring to go.” I bounce on the balls of my feet, pumping myself up to get back to it.