Page 16 of Psychotic Nightmares

“What?” I question. The last thing I need is this woman going against me. I knew Dante bringing Pea would just be trouble, I mean she did help Natalie with her wounds and maybe my girl feels more comfortable with another female around. But she will easily shoot me right between my eyes if she even catches a glimpse of my anger toward Natalie.

“She has been through a lot, the last thing she needs is to deal with your anger issues.” She tells me through gritted teeth, the softnessnow gone. I force myself to calm down. I really don’t wanna piss off Peacock right now.

“Is she asking you to say this?”

“She’s asleep.”

“Is she okay?” I sigh.

“No, dude.” Bull replies, “she won’t be for a while. You haven’t seen all of her injuries.” He sighs. “I have a feeling she’s hiding some. She was wincing a lotmore than she should have. So please, keep your anger in check.” He orders politely.

I respect this man, he has helped me a lot more than some of my own family ever has. I tell him I’ll try, unable to promise holding back my emotions once they leave and I’m left alone with Natalie. She knew what he was like and still decided to go. What on Earth was she thinking? And why did she ignore my damn messages? Shit, maybe she meant what she said this morning and really does want me out of her life. I hold my head in my hands. I need to talk to her properly, tell her how I really feel, even though I’ve told her time and time again I love her, I’ve never said it to her face, only over notes. So maybe that’s why she doesn’t think I’m being genuine with my feelings, because I’ve never told her like I should have.

Why does being in a relationship have to be so damn confusing!

As soon as we arrive at the warehouse - the place I call my home, I jump out the van and speed walk to the back door, opening it I see my woman sleeping on Peas lap. Dried blood sticks to her legs, she must have started her period. She is due soon according to the app I got to track her cycle. Yes, it sounds strange for a guy to have a period app, but it’s so I can make sure she has everything she needs.

“Don’t wake her, she needs her sleep.” Pea warns me.

While Bull and Dante take Howard to the Locked Room, I carefully lift Natalie into my arms. She shivers slightly and groans in pain. Tears pool in my eyes. “I failed to protect you again, I’m so sorry.” I whisper against her hair.

“She’ll be alright. It will take time though, so be patient with her.” Pea pats my back before exiting the van and jumping on her bike.

“Thank you, for patching her up.”

“Anytime. Look after her and yourself. But I swear, if you cause any more damage to her, whether mentally or physically, I will have no qualms about shooting you down. I don’t give a fuck if your my friend or my boss.” She slips on her helmet and drives off after her final warning. Yes, I’m her boss, but I can never stop Pea, or Bull from doing whatever they want to do. And if that means killing me, then they will. The only one who respects my position is Dante - most of thetime. There’s been times, especially when it comes to the Locked Room, that he has fought with me. Told me I’m taking things too far. But when we are out on a job, he listens and obeys my orders.

Bull leaves soon after Peadoes, leaving me on my own to deal with a very irate Dante. He has been annoyed with me since this morning when I rang him and asked him to break the rules. He could have refused, but didn’t. He said he didn’t want me to go into “crazy mode” without him there to calm me down. I’ve only ever done it once, at our very first job together as a four, it was taking out a group of men and women who were breeding children for shits and giggles. Pea took out the women first with her sniper before us men went in, what I wasn’t expecting though was Dante getting shot down as soon as we entered and I lost it. Rather than staying calm, I snatched Bulls machetes from him and sliced every throat I could while the others took care of Dante. I was shot twice in the arm and once in the leg while fighting, yet I never quit. I was going to take down every one of those bastards no matter what. I thought I was going to lose my best friend, my brother, my ride or die. The clean up took longer that day considering two of us got injured and our DNA was all over the floor. After a few hours of trying to clear up all the blood, Pea and Bull took it upon themselves to just burn the place down instead, after getting all the kids out first of course. That was when we knew it was easier to just burn down the places where we did the ‘big jobs’ that include more than three people rather than clean the place up.

But now Dante doesn’t trust me, he says I’m not allowed to do any job alone, whether it comes from the big boss or not. So when he turned up with Peacock and Bull, I knew I was in trouble. And when he told them that they had to come because it was my ‘girlfriend’ in trouble, they jumped at the chance of meeting Natalie. Not because they wanted to help me, but because they wanted to meet her. Dante seems to have some sort of hatred toward my woman for some reason. Maybe he’s jealous because he can’t stay in a committed relationship for longer than a few dates. He did tell me about one girl though, he met her a few years ago and they were together for around four months. Then she disappeared on him out of nowhere. Just up and ghosted him when he told her about Nico. I swear, if Peacock knew who she was and got ahold of her, she would have snapped her neck for breaking my best friendsheart. And I would’ve gladly paid her to do it.

Dante is trying to balance Howard on the chair when I walk past the room on the way to my bedroom. I lay Natalie on the bed and cover her shivering body with a blanket. Stroking her hair from her face I notice the blood seeping through the fresh dressings. I take a mental note to change them again when she wakes up. I stand and watch over her, she looks right where she is meant to be. Inmyhome, inmybed. Just like she should have been all these years. If only it wasn’t so damn wrong. Bringing her here has definitely put her in more danger. She murmursin her sleep.I’m so fucking sorry, treasure. If only I had just brought you here in the first place or took you away somewhere. I should’ve fought harder to stay.Tears sting my eyes and I’m gratefulfor the mask.You will never have to go through any of this again. I promise baby.Her mousy blonde hair is now tainted with her blood as I play with it. I love her silky locks. She groans again and rolls over so she is facing me, she mumbles my name.It’s okay, I’m here.I take her hand in mine, twisting our fingers together. “I’m here, treasure.” I whisper. I hear the Locked Room door slide closed and footsteps head my way.

“I’m leaving.” Dante says as he leans against the doorway. “Don’t hurt her.” He spins and leaves before I can answer.Why do they all think I’m going to hurt her?I have never once purposely hurt a woman. I leave that to Pea and the rest of the women in my teams.

Squeezing her hand one last time, I leave her to rest. Going into the ‘living room’, I throw my jacket on the back of the black leather sofa, go to the open plan kitchen and flick the switch on the kettle. It matches the one I bought for Natalie within the first few months of visiting her home. I love tea, but what is it with most Americans not having a tea kettle? I chuckle to myself as I remember her note, confused on what this new kitchen appliance was. Then smile as I remember her waking me up after a nightmare and showing her how to make a cup of tea. The smile she gave me after taking her first sip of my favourite beverage made me so damn happy. She has woken me up a few times since, each time with two cups of the steaming liquid on the table as she snuggles up and cries out her feelings. Granted, it’s not easy drinking through a straw, but it’s better than her seeing my face. She shouldn’t ever see my face, she might recognise me and I’ll be screwed.

I finishmaking my tea, and assured that she will be sleeping for a while, removemy mask and siton the sofa. I let the drink cool for a few minutes, and asI’m about to take my first sip, “Julian.” She says softly. I panic, she is standing right by where my mask is placed on one of the kitchen counters. Her eyes meet mine.This is it, she knows who I am now and I’ll never see her again.“I’m so sorry,” she says quickly as she picks up my mask and finds a straw in the top drawer. “Here,” she holds out the two objects, “you can put it back on if you feel more comfortable.” I meet her eyes. Her baby blues meet my green ones. “I need to apologise, you were right, Xander could have left and I wouldn’t have known.” She sighs. “I’m sorry for not texting you. I’m sorry for sending you away. I’m so, so sorry, Julian.” And any anger I had for her dissipates with that sigh and her quiet sorries. I understand why she had to go in, she needs to work, well, needed as now she is going to behere, she will want for nothing.

“No,” I put my cup down along with the mask and straw on the coffee table in front of us then shufflecloser to her. “You have nothing, and I mean nothing to apologise for.” I hold her face in my hands, her finger traces my tattoo like normal. She has done it so many times, she doesn’t even need to look now. “I was scared and I freaked out, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I was coming for you anyway.”I admit, “and then when he dragged you out like he did. I wanted to kill him.” I whisper the last sentence and wipe her tear stained cheeks. Her eyes haven’t left mine, like she is entranced by them. This is her first time seeing my eyes. I wonder how she feels about the rest of my face as her eyes start to wonder. I see her hand rise and feel her fingers stroke against my skin, I close my eyes and take in the unfamiliar feeling.

No-one has been so gentle with me, not like this. Whenever someone has touched my face before, it’s to either cut me up or smack me about. My past experiences have left me with permanent scars scattered all over my skin. From being shot and stabbed, to being tied up and slowly sliced open. That’s why I wear the mask, people would recognise me by my scars. No matter if I dye my hair or wear contacts, my scars are now a part of my identity. A lot of dangerous and fucking scary people know me through the permanent wounds, including Natalie's Pa. I should have killed him, finding her adoption file and reading his name had my blood boiling. That's when I knew I had to warn him to stay away from her. I didn’t kill him, I just took his hand. Unfortunately the bastard managed to rip off my mask and see my face. He knew who I was straight away and laughed, I ranafter picking up his watch. My childhood came back to me in flashbacks. My identity was found out and I fucked up.Luckily, I managed to scare him enough for him never to come near my girl again.

“Why do you hide?” Natalie asks. “You’re beautiful.” She hiccups and changes the subject. Not like I blame her. Her delicate strokes over each individual scar has my eyes burning with unshed tears. This woman, after everything she has been through the last few days, is comforting me.Me.The man who doesn’t deserve it after scaring her. I don’t deserve any type of happiness. I need to take her home. I need to stay awayfrom her. I need…

I need her.

I lean my forehead against hers, I press my lips to the tip of her nose. “It’s okay to cry, treasure.” I have comforted her enough times to know the signs of her holding back. “Let it all out. We can talk when you’re ready.” She starts sobbing. Loud uncontrollable sobs that shatters my soul and I can’t help but cry myself. I pull her close, holding her tight as she lays her head on my shoulder, smoothing my hand up and down her spine, I comfort her as well as myself with the actions. “You’re safe now.” I croak. “I’m here, baby.” I kiss her temple. “I’m never leaving you again.”

“Thank you for coming for me.” She cries. “Thank youJulian.”

five

Natalie

Julian saved me. He came forme.After the way I treated him this morning, after everything I said.He came for me. I grab at his shirt, holding him as close as I possibly can without climbingon him.

“You’re safe now.” He assures me again and again, his voice husky as he cries his own tears. His shirt is soon soaked through with my tears and snot, yet he keeps me near.