Page 72 of Mine To Hunt

I think for a moment, tears still falling as I try to articulate the depth of it. "His control over everything in my life. He appears and disappears whenever he wants, ruins parts of my life without me even seeing how he does it or being able to stop him. And last night, he could have hurt me badly but didnot. It confuses me so much and leaves me questioning my own reactions."

Dr. Nathaniel probes gently. "Do you feel any other emotions toward these events besides the fear and confusion?"

I hesitate, shame creeping in as I admit the truth that has been eating at me. "Sometimes... there’s this arousal mixed with the fear. Like when he cut me last time. It shames me deeply to even say it out loud because it feels so wrong and twisted."

Dr. Nathaniel remains neutral and non-judgmental, his tone reassuring and without any hint of surprise. "That’s not uncommon in high-stress situations where adrenaline is involved and can confuse the body's signals. Do not judge yourself harshly for a physiological response that you did not choose or control."

I feel a bit of relief from his words, the shame easing slightly as I process them. "How do I handle that feeling when it happens? It makes me feel even more confused and guilty about myself."

Dr. Nathaniel suggests calmly. "Acknowledge it without attaching shame to it. Recognize it as a body's reaction to extreme stress, not a reflection of your character or desires."

I nod, absorbing his advice as best I can amidst the emotional turmoil. "Okay. I’ll try to remember that."

We discuss more about the incidents in detail, the conversation helping to untangle some of the knots inside me.

Dr. Nathaniel shifts the topic slightly to practical coping strategies. "Regarding potential breakdowns, if you feel one coming on, try this deep breathing exercise. Inhale slowly forfour counts, hold your breath for four counts, then exhale for six counts."

I practice it with him right there in the office, following his lead. "Like this? Inhale, hold, exhale."

He guides me patiently. "Yes, exactly. It helps calm the nervous system and brings you back to the present moment when emotions feel like they are spiraling out of control."

I feel calmer already after a few tries, the tension in my shoulders easing a bit as my breathing steadies.

Dr. Nathaniel continues with more advice. "Also, if you don’t have anyone to talk to right at that moment, jot down everything in a journal. Write your thoughts, your feelings, and what triggered them in as much detail as you can. It helps keep your emotions organized instead of letting them build up unchecked."

He pauses, studying me for a moment. "I suggested journaling to you before. Did you ever try it?"

I hesitate, my fingers tightening in my lap. "Not really." I admit quietly. "I thought about it a few times, but I never actually did."

Dr. Nathaniel nods slowly, not sounding disappointed. "That's alright. Starting is often the hardest part.

I nod, making a mental note to buy a journal on my way home to start this habit. "I’ll definitely try that."

Dr. Nathaniel asks. "Do you think the stalker might have done it as some form of twisted protection or justice?"

I shiver at the thought, nodding slowly as confusion mixes with the fear. "Maybe. If he’s protecting me in some twisted way, thatscares me even more because it means he’s invested in me on a personal level."

He explores further. "How does that idea make you feel? The possibility of him acting on your behalf without your knowledge or consent?"

I admit honestly, the words hard to say. "Scared but strangely intrigued. Like he wants me in a specific way, and that confuses everything I thought I knew about him and myself."

Dr. Nathaniel says reassuringly. "Complex emotions like that are okay to have and explore. We can unpack them over multiple sessions if needed to make sense of them and help you process."

The session stretches on, with me pouring out more emotions than I expected, the relief of being heard and validated easing the burden slightly but not erasing the underlying fear.

As the therapy ends, I feel lighter, like a significant weight has been lifted from my shoulders, though the fear still simmers beneath. "Thank you, Dr. Nathaniel. This helped more than I can express right now."

"You’re welcome." He says gently. "See you at our next scheduled session, but please call if you need to come in sooner for any reason or if things escalate."

I leave the office and head straight to work, the emotions from the session still raw but more manageable now that I have talked them through and gained some tools.

When I arrive, Hazel greets me at my desk with concern etched on her face. "Iris. Are you holding up okay?"

I force a smile. "I am holding up. Just dealing with some personal stuff."

Hazel nods with understanding. "If you need to talk about it or take a break at any point, let me know. Here are some files for today to keep you occupied and distracted if that helps."

I take them gratefully. "Thanks. I’ll get started right away."