Page 143 of The Sound of Him

It’s my fault. That’s the first thing that goes through my mind as his voice passes over me in a wave of unexpected memories. Ace always leaves it up to me to lock - or even double-lock - the door if I want to. I’d forgotten. I’d felt safe enough toforget, just like I’d felt safe enough to sit on the couch tonight instead of going straight to my hiding spot.

I wasn’t thinking about hiding. I wasn’t here to hide. I just wanted to see Ace.

When did that start?

I try to sink into the couch, my stomach turning with nausea.Can I get to my hiding spot before he notices me? Should I just stay still? Should I make a run for it?

There’s movement on the other side of the coffee table. I flinch, bile rising in my throat.

Then I realize it’s not Travis.

Ace has wheeled his chair away from his desk to block the area between Travis and I, making it so that Travis can’t reach me without going through him first. I can't hide here, out in the open like this. There's nothing to tuck myself behind. No protection.

So Ace stepped in, hiding me himself.

I keep my eyes down, trusting Ace to handle this. He sounds so calm, so steady, when he asks, “Hey man, what’s up?”

There’s a pause where I think Travis might be looking at me, but Ace clears his throat and Travis asks, “You use those soy candles, right?”

“Yeah!” Ace says, using that same excited tone he uses when he tells me about a new snack he bought or a song he wants to share with me. “Are you finally listening to me? I tell ya, man-” Andoh boy, that’s his rambling tone. Travis is in for a ramble. He better buckle up. Ace has thebestrambles.

Except Ace is trying to explain about toxic chemicals when Travis stops him with an exasperated, “Yeah, yeah, I know. I wanted to show one to Carter. Can I borrow one?”

I peek up at him through my lashes. I kind of want to glare at him. I glared at Maison a while ago, when he made Nolan upset, and that was nice. Very therapeutic. He was never a master, though. Nevermymaster. Travis, on the other hand…

I settle forthinkingabout glaring at him. It's still pretty satisfying.

Ace was so excited to tell him about the soy candles.Aren’t they supposed to be friends? Why wouldn’t he listen? If he’s excited enough to show Carter the candles, why isn’t he excited to hear facts about them?

Ace shrugs it off like he isn’t hurt. Maybe he’s not. Maybe that’s what he’s used to.

He shouldn’t have to be used to that.

He tosses Travis a soy candle. Travis barely says thanks before he’s gone again.

Ace gets up right away, walking over to the door and switching both locks. I get to my feet and follow.

His eyes are wide when he turns back to me, only getting wider when he sees how close I am. He puts his hands up like I need to be reassured that he means no harm. Like I've ever, even in the beginning, been afraid of him. Like he isn't a safe place. Like he isn't mysafestplace.

"I'm sorry, Matt. I get it if you want to leave. I won't stop you. Christ, I'm so fucking sorry. I should have seen him coming. Ialwayssee someone coming. I can't believe-”

He stops when I put a hand on his chest.

I don't think he even breathes.

I want him tobreathe.

He’s so good at making it easier for me to breathe.

I tap my fingertips against the soft fabric of his sweater and suck in a dramatic breath, meeting his eyes to try to show him that I want him to do it with me. It takes him a few seconds to understand, him watching me pointedly exhale and inhale again before it clicks. His shoulders drop a little as he nods. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'll breathe. Yeah.”

I tap him again with an arched eyebrow because he'sstillnot breathing.

He laughs, the sound soft and a little shaky, but then he inhales with me. We keep looking at each other as we hold it. Same for when we let it go.

There are very faint freckles on his nose.

His facial hair has grown from stubble to fuzz.