Page 62 of The Sound of Him

I think of that spot in Ace’s office. A place to hide. I could run there, now, and he’d lock the door behind me. A lock that this man doesn’t have a key for.

Then I think of Nolan needing to eat. If the roles were reversed, or if this was Bryce getting him food, they wouldn’t back down. They’d make sure I get what I need. They always make sure of that. It’s my job to do the same.

“You know, I was hoping to speak with you again,” he says. “Just for a few minutes. Do you have the time for that right now?”

No.

Nope.

I don’t, don’t, don’t, no.

He glances around before leaning toward me as far as he can without getting off his seat. “I want to apologize to you without being overheard, but that’s for your privacy, not mine. I can do it here.”

Um. Not fair.

That’s not fair at all.

I glance around too. No one is in the area, but that could change. It’s getting close to dinner time. Even if Nolan won’t be cooking like he usually would, everyone still has to eat.

I don’t want to hear his apology. I don’t want to hear any words from him at all, but Iespeciallydon’t want to hear his apology, and definitely not here where anyone could hear it too.

“You know what, you don’t have to listen to my apology if you don’t want to. You don’t owe me that. But I do owe you one thing. You deserve to know that it was my fault, how things ended last time.Entirelymy fault. That’s important for you to know. I’m the one who did something wrong, not you. That’s all that matters.”

I accidentally look at him, too distracted by my surprise. He seems genuine. There’s no placating smile. His eyes aren’t trying to analyze me. He just looks sad.Not for me, like people usually are, but… because of himself?Shame.

No, that's not quite right. He's…ashamed. That’s what the word is. Dr. Singh looks ashamed.

I want to understand why. I want to know how he messed up. How things should have went instead. How things could have gone better.

I don’t know the sign for ‘office’, but Nolan and I learned action words just yesterday, so I nod as I sign,I’ll go with you.

He smiles, looking relieved. “Great. Let’s head on over, then. Unless you need anything from your room first?”

I look over at the fridge, feeling his eyes on me as I do. I don’t know how to explain to him that I need to get food for Nolan. My notebook is upstairs, along with my bunny. I know the sign for ‘eat’, but I don’t want him to think I mean thatIwant to eat. The last thing I want is to have to eat in front of him.

I tap my wrist and show him five fingers, lifting an eyebrow in question. My book from Ace said that facial expressions are really important with ASL. I’m pretty sure those aren’t actually the right signs for me to ask him for five minutes, but it’s the best I can think of right now, and hopefully combined with my expression he’ll understand.

“You need five minutes?” he guesses. I try not to look too relieved as I nod. He nods in return. “Of course. I’ll be in my office - just come when you’re ready.”

I thank him, the sign coming quick and easy, and wait for him to collect his notebook and walk out before hurrying over to the fridge. I make up a plate of easy food, trying not to think of how any of the textures would feel in my mouth, and grab a juice.

Nolan forces a smile when I return to him, taking the plate from me with a soft, “Thanks.”

I wave him off as I grab my bunny and the pretty blue notebook from my bed, stuffing both in my front pocket. He’s eating already, so I tap him on the shoulder to get his attention back on me. I sign,go,then fingerspell what’s hopefully the right letters for Dr. Singh’s name.

“You’re gonna go talk to Singh?”

I nod.

“Are we happy about this or do you want me to save you?”

I almost smile. I manage a roll of my eyes that makes him smile, which works even better anyway. I like making him happy. He deserves to be happy.

So-so,I sign with a teeter of my hand.

“Okay. Good luck, I guess? I’ll be here after, if you need me. Or even if you don’t.” He forces a smile. “Thanks, again, for the food.”

I give him a shrug, hoping he understands that it means,no problem.