Page 16 of Backward Motion

Then when he left home, that connection had faded. He’d gotten good at shutting her out—treating her calls as a chance to brag about his success and breeze past all the parts of his life that weren’t so great. He had friends and lovers and an entire community of people just like him to help Sam discover who he was, even if they didn’t always have his best interests at heart.

He reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Thanks for inviting me out, Mom. And you can ask. Just be okay if I might not want to tell you.”

She nodded. “That’s fair. It really is lovely having you home, Sam. Even just for this time. I know it won’t be long before you’re itching to leave and get back to all your friends.”

Sam forced a smile. There was no itch. Not even a tingle. He thought of the piercing panic he’d woken to each morning in Austin. Work had gotten so all-encompassing that he’d neglected most of hisother friendships. Which was probably why he’d clung so tightly to Felix despite feeling more and more like his plaything.

Sam chugged from his bottle of water and swallowed the pangs of paranoia. He hated E, but Felix refused to party without it. “It’s like being sober at an orgy,” he’d say with complete seriousness.

They were at Cat’s Eye, a new club that had opened on Sixth Street. It was packed, and Sam had to squeeze through a wall of bodies to get to the bar for drinks. In the process, he’d lost sight of Felix, who had been doing a shitty job as his trip sitter, so here he was, stumbling about in the dark, looking for any sign of Felix in his black-leather vest and neon-green armband. He felt a hand on his ass and another slide around his waist, sending his anxiety spiking. It was as though a giant beast had him in its grasp, ready to swallow him whole.

Sam made it to the corridor that led to the toilets and was able to breathe again. The space was littered with men in twos and threes who’d taken their dance-floor groping somewhere more private. He took several deep breaths and was about to plunge back into the crowded club when he saw a flash of fluorescent green.

Felix had his arms wrapped around a petite white-blond boy, who was sucking his face like he was running out of oxygen. A numbness crept over Sam. It took a moment for him to realize he wasn’t angry, merely defeated. He stepped over to where they were pressed against the wall, and Felix looked up, catching his eye. He disentangled himself and gave Sam a serene smile.

Felix had a way of pulling people into his orbit. He had a face for TV, with straight, white teeth and tousled brown hair that flopped across his forehead, giving off an effortless charm that belied the hours he spent in front of the mirror. He was both clever andflippant, and when he’d set his sights on Sam, it had made Sam feel like he’d been plucked from the crowd at a concert. They’d met at a work event, and Felix spent the evening whispering in his ear, leaving him dizzy with attention.

When Sam finally got up the nerve to ask for his number, Felix grinned and leaned in to kiss him full on the mouth. “I’ll find you.”

In the beginning, Sam found it unbelievably sexy that Felix was the one who did the calling and the deciding. So thrilling, in fact, that he couldn’t put his finger on when he’d given up all agency. He knew he had a bad habit of being attracted to men who made him work for it. He’d always equated hard work with desirable outcomes, so by that logic, the more work he put into a relationship, the better it would be.

“There you are, babe,” Felix said. “Thought you’d disappeared on me.”

“Who’s this?” Sam asked. The kid was looking at him with blank indifference, already bored with the conversation.

“A friend.”

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Sam asked, narrowing his eyes.

“You’re kinda killing my buzz right now.”

“See ya,” the blond boy said breezily, swanning past them into the club.

Felix’s expression hardened. It was the same look he got when Sam had the audacity to question any of his various excuses.

“We haven’t talked about other people,” Sam said.

Felix laughed. “There’s always been other people.”

Sam’s throat tightened. “You didn’t discuss it with me.”

“I thought you knew.” Felix stepped forward and brushed Sam’s hair back from his forehead. “Come on, we can’t be everything for each other. That’s not realistic. Don’t you want to keep things exciting, keep things interesting?”

Sam didn’t think fucking other people was interesting. The idea made him roil with insecurity.

“Or are you just jealous I’m doing it without you?” Felix grinned and pinched Sam’s cheek. “Do you want to take him home, like the other time?”

Sam’s stomach lurched. He’d only tried it once, at Felix’s insistence. The man’s eagerness to bring in a third should have clued Sam in.Why did I think it would end there?Sam should have said no from the beginning. But he didn’t want to be that guy—the square, the prude. So he went along with it and hated every minute. He’d felt nauseous when the other man touched him and had struggled to hide how much it hurt to see Felix with someone else.

“No,” Sam said. “But I think we need some ground rules.”

Felix’s eyes glittered. “You know, Sam, I didn’t want to say this, but before you demand complete fidelity, maybe you should consider why I’ve had to look elsewhere.”

Felix’s words struck Sam hard in the chest and buried beneath his skin. Every flaw, every harsh criticism of himself circled in his mind. Considering Sam’s many shortcomings, it was a wonder Felix put up with him at all. And here he was, demanding more.Is it fair to expect him to sacrifice his happiness on my account?If the sex meant nothing, maybe that wasn’t the worst thing. Felix had picked him. Sam was the lucky one.Right?

“Come dance, baby,” Felix said, peppering Sam’s mouth with soft little kisses. “Let’s not waste the E on a fight.”

Sam nodded woodenly. He let Felix take his hand and lead him through the throngs of people to the dance floor.