Page 77 of Backward Motion

“You know that stuff burns me out.”

Sam remembered a throwaway joke Felix had once made about his mom, suggesting she’d brought back Valium chic. ‘Better than having to tiptoe around her downswings,’ he’d quipped with a tight smile.

Sam shook his head as though trying to clear it. “Look, I didn’t come here to get into anything. I just want to grab my things and go.”

“Where?”

“Home.” The word came out before Sam could fully grasp what it contained. “Oakdale.”

Felix raised his eyebrows. “That’s where you’ve been? After all the shit you told me about how much you hated it there.”

Sam saw Felix had shoved his camera on top of the cabinet by the sink, and he strode into the kitchen. He had to stand on his toes to reach it.

“So, what—your parents drive you out here?” Felix asked, sidling over to the balcony to peer down at the street below. “Who’s the guy?”

Sam froze as he realized Felix was staring at Connor standing on the sidewalk outside.

“Is he with you?”

“Yeah,” Sam said finally, conflicted about bringing Connor into this.

“That was fast.” Felix fixed him with a smirk. “I’ve got to hand it to you, Sam. You don’t mess around.”

Sam felt it—the strength being sapped from him. Like Felix had clipped an artery.

“Is this the best Oakdale has to offer?” Felix continued, apparently enjoying himself. “What is that, a utility van? God, please don’t tell me he’s a plumber.”

Sam stuffed the camera into his backpack. “You know, Felix, you can be a real fucking snob.”

“At least I have standards,” Felix said. “You went back to your queer-hating hometown and picked up the straightest-passing dude you could find. Guess the self-loathing’s baked in, which explains all your hangups.”

Sam dropped his bag to the floor and locked eyes with the man who’d wreaked havoc on his self-esteem for far too long. “Myhangupshave nothing to do with hating who I am and everything to do with being taken advantage of—which you did plenty.”

Felix’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“It was never okay that you fucked other guys.” Sam’s throat spasmed, and he swallowed hard. “It made me feel like shit, like I wasn’t enough. That threesome was a new low for me. I know I didn’t say no, but it hurt how blind you were to how I felt. If you’d checked in, picked up on even one of the signals I tried to send you, maybe I would’ve been brave enough to call ‘stop.’” A single tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. He wiped it away with his sleeve. “I didn’t realize how much I’d twisted myself to please you and everyone else until I snapped. And I didn’t realize how cruel you were to me until I metsomeone who actually cared. Someone who understood that I didn’t know what I wanted and had the patience to let me figure it out.”

Felix stood, silent. The smirk gone.

A strange calm came over Sam. “But that’s not on you,” he said quietly. “That was mine to work through.” He’d fallen apart to understand how to put himself back together. Sam returned to the kitchen, picked up his bag, and swung it over his shoulder. “I think I’m done here. If you find anything else, just toss it.”

Without waiting for a reply, he turned and walked out of the apartment, grateful he would never have to see it or the man who lived there again.

Chapter Thirty-Six

“I’ve decided what we’re going to do,” Sam announced over dinner.

They were sitting outside at a popular local burger chain, and Connor hadn’t realized how hungry he was until the food arrived. It was probably because the nerves knotting his stomach had dissipated and he felt like the worst part of the trip was over. Sam seemed similarly relieved. He’d ordered a bunch of different sides and was taking bites of all of them as if he hadn’t eaten in days.

“Hit me,” Connor said, picking up his cheeseburger and hoping Sam wasn’t about to suggest one of the bat boat tours he’d seen driving over the river. Flying rodents gave him the creeps.

“I’m going to take you dancing.”

“Okay...” Connor wasn’t entirely sure what that entailed.

“Hear me out.” Sam shoved another French fry into his mouth. “I’m talking mirror balls, cages, leather. You can be the gayest you’ve ever been. It’ll be like your official baptism.”

Connor coughed, trying not to choke on his food. “I don’t think I fit into that crowd.”