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“Too.” She grabbed a handful of M&M’s. “She got sick when I was about five. For the longest time, I had no idea what was going on. Then, one day, she came to me and told me she would be in the hospital for a few days but she would be back and I would be with Grandma and that Grandma would bring me up to see her in two days.
“I cried and begged her not to go, but she convinced me she’d come back, so we marked my calendar for two days ahead and she promised me Grandma would take me to see her.”
My breathing got deeper, heavier, sadder.
“So, the next day I made a big X on the calendar when the day was done and the day after that, I woke very early and dressed in my Sunday dress and shoes. I packed a bag because I didn’t understand that she was actually in nearby Kalispell, and I waited very patiently for my Grandma to come upstairs so we could go visit Mama.
“But breakfast passed, lunch, and we were approaching dinner and I still hadn’t gone to see my mom. So I grabbed my suitcase and found my grandma’s room and knocked on her door.
“She said it was okay for me to come in, so I did, and when she saw my face she broke down crying. I had no idea what she was crying for, so I asked if she was okay. I asked if she was crying because we wouldn’t be able to visit Mama that day.”
“Oh my God,” I couldn’t help but breathe.
Cricket looked at me and gave me a half smile.
“Grandma said that we wouldn’t be visiting Mama and sat me down at the edge of her bed.” Cricket turned thoughtful. “I still remember the feel of the weight of my dress shoes as they dangled.” She shook her head to clear it. “She set my suitcase on the ground next to her knees and grabbed my face as she so often does, even still, and she said, ‘Cricket, I have something to tell you.’ I had no idea what she was saying. I had an idea of what death was, but I had no idea how permanent it was.
“I nodded that I understood, but after a few days, I started to feel sick without my mother, and I told my grandma that I was ready for her to be alive again, that I wanted to see her.”
“Cricket,” I said, turning on my side.
Tears cascaded down the sides of her face.
She turned on her hip and faced me. “Yes?”
“I am so sorry.”
“What for?”
“I’m sorry that she was taken from you so early. It wasn’t fair.”
She reached her hand out on the cape we laid upon but didn’t quite touch my hand. She was just near enough for me to feel the heat of her fingers and my heart beat sadly for her.
“Spencer,” she said, studying both our hands then piercing my eyes with her bright blue ones. “Life on Earth is fleeting. It’s a gift, but when God wants you, He will take you. It’s not meant to be a punishment to you or to your loved ones. In fact, it’s truly an extra incentive for you to do His will, for you to serve Him so you can strive to be with Him as well as the ones you lose. There’s a peace in that, Spencer.”
She stunned me with that statement. Absolutely stunned me. Because I had never ever thought of death as anything other than a punishment. I feared it with utter dismay, with complete abhorrence, with despair and foreboding.
“And death,” she continued, “is a beautiful thing for those destined for God’s world. How could I possibly begrudge her that happiness?”
She considered my expression and laughed a little through the tears.
“It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but when I finally did, it clicked.” She smiled. “Now, that doesn’t mean I’m not selfish sometimes and miss her, but that’s okay because I’m human.” She smiled wider. “And I love being human. What a gift it is to be human.”
I stared at her in the candlelight. “You’re beautiful,” I said.
Her eyes closed tightly. “Spencer,” she breathed.
“I’m saying that as a co-worker, Cricket.”
She snorted. “Shut up,” she laughed.
“I’m serious. As a fellow ranch hand, I feel it within the realm of appropriate to tell you that I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.”
“Spencer,” she said, her eyes going glassy.
“And as your co-worker, you should also know that I find you talented, smart as a whip, capable and sweet.”
“Spencer,” she whispered, the tears more evident now.
