Page 12 of Scar Tissue

She nods. “He’s twisting it, saying it wasbecauseof me—like I forced him to fall into bed with someone else. I don’t know where he gets off on trying to justify his infidelity, but apparently he thinks it does.”

I’ve met Lucas in passing, back when Miles was still alive, and I never trusted him back then, either. But Thea was happy and so I never interfered. “That’s bullshit.”

“And to make matters worse, he and I both know the real reason behind it. He…he blamed me for the loss of our daughter, but he won’t admit that to anyone else because he would like for everyone to believe that I was so lost in my grief that I gave up on our marriage instead. He likes to pretend that he played the doting and supportive husband, but he never fucking was. As soon as Hallie was born, sleeping, he left me in that hospital room by myself and went to a bar to drown himself in booze and another woman.”

I freeze, the weight of her words sinking in. Thea had a daughter? She was pregnant? “What?” I ask, unable to get anything else out.

She nods slowly, her lips quivering as though she’s trying toprevent herself from falling apart. “He told me that if I’d been less stressed, didn’t push my body so much, if I’d just taken better care of myself, whatever reason really that you can think of, that our baby would still be here.”

I take a step toward her then, my fists clenching in anger and sorrow. “That’s not just manipulative. That’s cruel.”

Her laugh is bitter and hollow when she responds. “Yeah, well, Lucas has never exactly been kind when things don’t go his way. We had our fair share of problems, but I never thought he was capable of any of this. He knows how much that loss destroyed me. Of course I was cold and distant, I felt like I was dying inside all while my husband was completely absent, coming home way too late and smelling like liquor and cigarettes instead of being therewithme. I had to grievealone,while he went out and fucked his way through the base. The only reason I even found out was because he stopped caring about where he left his phone. He didn’t even try to deny it when I found the evidence. I didn’t think things could hurt any more than they already did, but he’s been weaponizing what we went through to make me look like the bad guy. To punish me.”

My teeth grind against each other as I try to keep my own emotions in check. “You know that’s not your fault, right? You didn’t do anything wrong. Nobody could have ever predicted something like that happening.”

She looks up at me then, where I’ve closed the distance between us. The unshed tears in her eyes cause my throat to tighten. “Do I? Because no matter how much I try to tell myself that, there’s this tiny voice in the back of my head that wonders if he’s right, if I did fail Hallie. My body did, that much is evident.”

I reach out to touch her, resting my palm against her cheek. I half expect her to pull away, but she leans into it instead. “Thea, he’s doing this to hurt you, to shift the blame because he’s a fucking coward. You loved that baby. You did everything you could. This isn’t on you in the slightest and I know deep down that you know that,too.” I may not have been there for that period of her life, but I know it just as well because I know the kind of soul she has.

She shakes her head, a tear slipping down her cheek, and I catch it with my thumb. “I just don’t understand how someone can be sovile.And I can’t help but wonder if she had survived if we would be in this position to begin with.” I don’t want to tell her that they likely would be. The fact he immediately ran to another woman meant he had been for some time already and he was using what happened as an out, but I keep my mouth shut. She doesn’t need to hear that right now.

“What can I do to help?” I ask, extending yet another olive branch, hoping she will take it this time.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to help myself, let alone let you in…” The words are so quiet I almost don’t catch them.

“You don’t have to know, I just want to be here. Nothing’s changed.”

She pulls away from my hand, staring at me for a long moment before she responds. “Okay. Just don’t make me regret it.”

Chapter

Nine

THEA

It oddly feels…good, to talk about everything with Nathan. It isn’t like I haven’t given Dylan the rundown, but it’s different with Nathan. With Dylan being my best friend, it’s always felt like she has an unspoken obligation to agree with me, to be on my side no matter what. And she does—she always does—but with Nathan, he doesn’t have that obligation. Hell, after not seeing each other in years, and with our complicated past, my conflicted feelings toward him, it’s anything but an obligation. It doesn’t feel like he’s agreeing with me out of pity, even though I’m pretty sure he’d agree to anything I have to offer him at this point. He’s making an effort, which is more than he did in the past. But still, the weight of his kindness feels heavier than the bitterness I’ve grown used to. It’s easier that way because it doesn’t demand vulnerability or trust.

Stepping back, I wrap my arms around myself as if I can hold all the fragmented pieces of myself together as we stare at each other. He doesn’t press me any further and offers the one thing most don’t. Silence. Everyone else—my parents, Dylan—they all try to fill the nothingness with words that they think help, but don’t because it’s actually more awkward for them to sit with my agony, than it is formyself. This actually makes me want to open up more, because there isn’t any pressure to pretend. “Do you ever wonder if some people just aren’t meant to be happy?” I let the words flow out of my mouth as my eyes drift from his to the window. For some reason, I’m scared of whatever I might find in his, but I still feel them on me as he responds.

“I think that happiness is something we have control over, even when it feels like we don’t. Even when it feels impossible.”

Sighing, I return my gaze to his. “That didn’t answer my question.”

He tilts his head slightly, a frown creasing his brow. “Do you really think some people are destined for misery? That no matter what they might do, they’re just stuck in it?”

“That’s not an answer either, if you’re dodging the question by asking one,” I scoff.

He walks over to the couch, sitting down with a rough breath, and I can’t help but admire the way his muscles flex with every step. How, even when sitting down, the muscles lining his torso seem to ripple. I try not to stare, but my eyes follow the gentle movement of his muscles until they land on a tattoo that’s partially hidden on his ribcage. How did I not notice that earlier? “Did you hear me?” he asks, looking over his shoulder where I’m still standing in the same spot.

“I-I’m sorry. What did you say?” My face burns, hoping he didn’t notice my perusal of his body.

A corner of his mouth tilts up slightly as though he did notice. “I asked you if you really wanted me to answer the question? Because I don’t think you do.”

Glaring, I walk around to the other end of the couch and sit, tucking my legs up underneath me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” he says calmly, “you’re not asking because you actually want an answer. You just want me to agree with you. You’reasking because you already think you know it. It won’t matter what I say because you won’t believe it.”

Biting the inside of my cheek, I try to suppress the sting of his words. Is he right? Do I just want him to agree with me? “I just think that sometimes it feels like no matter how much I try to find it, happiness always slips through my fingers. I thought I had found it when Lucas and I got married. Then when we found out we were pregnant with Hallie. And now I have neither of those things.”