Page 20 of Heal Me, Love Me

“I heard you the first time.”

“There will be other men.”

I thought about Bradford before I could stop myself, about San Antonio and The Rusty Spur, where we’d sat across from each other, cold beers between us, his easy smile aimed right at me. He’d been hot, funny, and open in a way I hadn’t known how to be.

After that night, we’d exchanged texts. A few calls. A couple of times, we’d managed to meet up again when training, work, and life didn’t get in the way. He’d known someone else was taking up too much space in my head, and he never pushed me to pretend otherwise.

For a while, I’d tried to act as though that hadn’t been the case, but every time things got too close, every time I let myself think about taking one more step, Keaton had gotten between us.

There had been other men. Other chances.

But none of them had been Keaton.

“I don’t want other men,” I repeated to my mother.

“I understand that you don’t think you do right now.”

“No. I don’t want anyone else, and that’s not because I’m pissed or hurt or whatever you think this is. I didn’t want anyone else when I was gone either. I tried to move on. I told myself I should want someone easier, but it was always Keaton.”

“I believe you,” she replied.

“Good.”

“But I’m still going to say it because you need someone to remind you that your life is bigger than this one heartbreak, even if it doesn’t feel that way today.”

“It’s not one heartbreak. It’shim. My best friend.”

“I understand that.”

“I’m not sure how to come back from this.”

The words sat between us, and I hated them because I’d done it before. At least, I’d told myself I had. After that night in high school, I shoved down every memory of Keaton and me: kissing in my room, sneaking touches when no one was around, and wanting things we were too young and too scared to name. Then I left, followed orders in the Air Force, trained until my body gave out, and boxed when I needed somewhere to put the anger. I built a life far away from him and pretended that meant I’d moved on.

But I hadn’t.

This time, I’d said what I should’ve said years ago. I’d told him the truth about the past, about what I’d done, and about how much I hated myself for it. I’d told him I loved him, and I’d let myself believe that maybe it could be enough. That maybe this time we could have each other without that night hanging between us.

After all that, Devon kissed him, and Keaton didn’t stop it.

Maybe it was only a second. Maybe Mom was right, and I didn’t know the whole story. But that second was enough to make me feel like the biggest idiot for thinking we could ever get our relationship right.

“Maybe you don’t.”

I blinked up at Mom. “What?”

“Maybe you and Keaton don’t come back from this,” she continued. “Maybe you do. Maybe you make more mistakes before either of you figures out what you’re doing. That’s usually how being twenty-three works.”

I gave her a flat look. “That was supposed to be inspiring?”

“No. It’s meant to remind you that you don’t know the ending yet.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

She lifted her mug again. “That’s what I thought.”

I leaned back, rubbing a hand over my face. “I watched someone else kiss him.”

“Yes, you keep saying that.”