Page 71 of After the Spy Seduces

Stopped.So did her heart for one brutal moment, because she knew exactly what he meant. “Why? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“More than you realize.” His eyes softened on her, and he reached up to stroke his knuckles across her cheek. “In the past fortnight alone, I’ve interfered with Home Office operations and used communication links that I shouldn’t have. And now I’ve crossed the Foreign Office by giving that diary to the French.”

“But it’s not the real one.” She grabbed his hand and wrapped it in both of hers. “Garrett has that. And you did it to save Meri.” Her voice choked. “And me.”

“That doesn’t matter. They’ll see it as an act of disloyalty. I was already warned away once but ignored them. They won’t give me a second warning. They’ll come after me, and I want you as far away as possible when they do.”

“No,” she whispered, her fingers tightening desperately around his. “What you’re saying— No! I won’t leave you.”

“Listen to me.” He slipped his other hand behind her nape and drew her toward him, until he could place a kiss to her temple, then rested his forehead against hers. “It will take Whitehall a few days to learn that the French have the diary and that I played a part in handing it over. They’ll track me to Bradwell. I don’t want you here when that happens.”

“No,” she whispered. Dear God, she wanted to scream!

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed herself against his chest, until he had no choice but to pull her down onto his lap.

“Stop saying things like that,” she ordered, rubbing her cheek against his shoulder. He was so strong and solid, warm…alive. He was with her, safe in her arms, where he was meant to be. “We’ll explain that the French kidnapped Meri, that we had no choice but to hand over the diary, that all of it was my idea—they’ll understand.” Her hands clutched at his waistcoat, and the words choked in her throat as they tore from her. “For God’s sake, the general will swear to it! They’ll believe him—and your brother.” Her voice rose as her hold on him tightened, each breath coming forced and hard. “They’re both heroes. Whitehall will listen to them. We’ll send messengers, and they’ll come and—”

“Diana—”

“No!” If she didn’t stop talking and planning, then he couldn’t send her away. And if he couldn’t send her away, then she would be right here with him, keeping him safe. The same way he had protected her and Meri.

She pulled back just far enough to stare up into his somber face, and what she saw there clenched like a fist around her heart. The fatalistic look of a prisoner marching to the scaffold. The same look she had seen from him once before, that night at Idlewild when he read the ransom note, when he agreed to bring the diary here to hand over to the French…

He’d known then.Dear God. He’d known days ago what coming here would mean, how he would accept all the responsibility for it himself, how Whitehall would see what he was doing as disloyalty. He’dknown! Yet he’d agreed to come here anyway. A trade…

A life for a life. His life for Meri’s.

She grabbed at his lapels and shook him as hard as she could, all the fear and grief inside her for him striking out in anger. “You knew—for God’s sake! Youknew!”

She hit him in the shoulders with her fists. He’d known all along. Which was why he refused to think of any kind of a future with her, why he’d hesitated to make love to her—not because he feared getting her with child, but because he knew she would lose him, that she would grieve for him the same way she’d grieved for John.

He grabbed her to him, holding her so tightly that she could barely breathe as she choked back pained sobs. He rasped out, “It was the only way to save Meri.”

“You had no right to make that decision!”

“I had every right. Because I would do anything to protect you, Diana.Anything.” He squeezed his eyes shut but couldn’t stop the pain from gripping his face. “Which means that I would do anything to protect your daughter.”

“Not this! Not your life.” She clung to him as she shuddered violently. The anguish was unbearable. “I won’t let this happen to you. You willnotgive up on me, do you understand? I won’t let you.”

“I’m not giving up.” He placed a kiss to her temple, but she wasn’t reassured. “I’m the best agent the Home Office has, remember? You said so yourself. I’ll use that to my advantage.”

The fury and fear boiled inside her belly, and her hands gripped him so hard that her fingers turned nearly as white as his neckcloth. “And this is how they treat their best agents—they slaughter them for saving innocent lives?”

He grinned somberly against her forehead. “That’s my angel, always fearsome.” He cuddled her in his arms, resting his cheek against hers so she couldn’t see his face. “I knew that being an operative was dangerous, that it meant making difficult choices.” His lips lingered against her ear as he murmured, “I’ll never regret helping you and Meri. I need you to understand that.”

“But—but we’ve come so far.” Each word was little more than a pained breath on her numb lips. Her heart had broken like glass, and she couldn’t find a way to ease the storm of roiling pain and fear that was consuming her. Hot tears stung at her eyes, and she swallowed them back, not wanting to break down in his arms. “How am I supposed to go on without you?”

“You will, and you’ll be happy.” His voice lowered to a hoarse whisper. “I want that for you, Diana, with every ounce of my being.”

“I’ll never be happy knowing that you…” The words strangled in her throat. A desperate solution shot into her head. “Don’t stay here. Don’t wait for them to come after you. Leave! Go to the continent, go to America—justleave.”

“I won’t do that.” He took her chin and lifted her face to touch his lips to hers. In that kiss, she tasted his determination to see this through. “I’ll stay and explain. I won’t flee.”

“Not even to save your own life?” A tear slid down her cheek. “Not even for me?”

“You would never suffer a coward, and I won’t tuck tail and run.” His eyes softened with sympathy as he brushed away the tear. “I couldn’t live with myself.”

“But you would be alive!”