Page 79 of American Love Story

The exhale on the other side was sort of over the top, but I knew what I was getting into when I dialed the number. “How do you think he’s doing, Patrice? You’ve been icing him for two days and letting him feel like he’s a fucking monster for acting out of fear that you were going to get hurt.”

I could almost see her mouth twisted to the side as she talked. I sighed again, not even sure what I wanted to say. “I was unfair, but I also was hurt, Pris. Easton had been waffling on this shit with the stops for months, yet when it was me, he acted like it was a life-or-death situation.”

This time, it was her sighing. “Yes, he did that, and he owned it. He’s also figuring out how to make it right.”

“What does that mean?” I blurted out, interrupting her.

“That’s for him to tell you, not me, Patrice. What I do have to tell you is this: you need to learn how to value the people in your life who are willing to put it all on the line for you. You’re self-righteous and you’re judgmental. You need to let go of some of that anger, P. Open your eyes and see that not everyone is out here trying to let you down. If you need to get some professional help to work some of that out, do it, before you lose big.”

After my talk with Dr. Simons, I felt that in my bones. “I know.”

Pri clicked her tongue, and when she spoke again, she sounded a lot less pissed. “Patrice, I’ve known you since we were in elementary school. I have seen you harden, and I know—believe me—I know the world has given you plenty of reasons. I’m a woman of color trying to move up the ranks of the police department in New York City. I fucking live in a space of barely contained frustration. But I can tell you this, my struggle will not get any easier by shutting out the people who can see me and my value. Are people going to stumble? Fuck yeah they will, there is so much bullshit to unlearn.”

The truth in her words were cutting me to the core. “You need to figure out why you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy.”

“I never said I don’t deserve to be happy; I just don’t want to betray myself.” I wasn’t sure that was true, because at almostevery opportunity, I’d tried to minimize how much I felt for Easton.

“You need to stop seeing your happiness like foreboding.”

Did I do that?

“Well that’s not a switch I can just turn off, Priscilla.” This conversation had me completely out of my depth.

“Do you really think that’s what Easton expected? That you would fall in love with his dick and all of a sudden you’d drop the ‘I’m an island’ flow you’ve been rocking for the last thirty-four years?”

She had to make me laugh, “I’m not sure why I thought calling you instead of Camilo would somehow mean I didn’t get my ass handed to me.”

She snorted a laugh and I could almost hear the eye roll. “Because you’re a fool.” The sigh she let out then told me that the jokes were over.

“Patrice, if I were you, I’d sit with what you want with Easton for a bit before you go and try to talk to him. Easton deserves someone who can show him that he’s worthy of love, not in spite, butbecauseof who he is. There’s no one more painfully aware of their privilege than that man. That doesn’t mean he won’t falter, or that you won’t.”

I closed my eyes, wondering if there was even a chance this would work out. “I’m going to think on this some. Thanks for listening and going somewhat easy on me.”

“You’re welcome. Do right by him, P—and by you—you both deserve it.”

I ended the call and immediately opened the Twitter app, as I usually did when I felt like I was burning up with something to say. But after a second, I thought about the urgency I was feeling. This wasn’t something I wanted to share with the world; it was private and it already belonged to someone.

I tapped my phone until I had the message app open, and hesitated for a second, afraid that I would be rebuffed or ignored. Pri’s words started to make sense then. I kept myself so primed for disappointment, for the people who came into my life to hurt me, that I never fully felt anything, not the joy, not the pain. I’d started feeling that with Easton, but I’d pushed him away, too. To get what I deserved, I needed to start showing all the way up.

I tapped the message like six different times, until I realized that I was trying to text what IthoughtI should say, instead of just saying what I meant.

I should have said thank you.

I put the phone in my breast pocket as I got up from the small love seat in my office and moved to my desk, hoping to get some work done on this eventful morning. But as soon as I opened up the internet browser, I felt my phone buzzing. I pressed my hand over the pocket and took a deep breath, before I dared look at the message. I smiled sadly at Easton’s refusal to do anything less than to put his whole self out there.

You being all right is thank you enough.

As I put my phone back into my pocket, a small bubble of something that felt dangerously like hope started blossoming in the middle of my chest.

chapter twenty-three

easton

“You’re not going to back out, right?” Cindy asked me for what felt like the hundredth time as I got ready to go give my statement to the press to officially announce my run for DA. This was Tompkins County, so it’s not like it was an actual press conference, but there would be a couple of journalists from the local media outlets to ask me some questions.

I looked up from the notes I was pretending to read and tried not to be too harsh. “Cin, I need you to take a couple of steps back here.” Things had been strained between us since I told her I could not keep waiting for this office to put out an official statement about the stop. Days later, I was still waiting for an answer. Like Patrice had told me that night, I’d finally realized that being on the right side of this would mean that I would lose some people I thought I could count on. Cindy’s inaction was disappointing but that was her choice. I had my own to make.

Debating on whether I should clue her in on what was going through my head or let her find out what I was actually doing once it came out of my mouth like everyone else, I went with “I’m beginning to feel handled, and I don’t like that.”