Page 87 of Lost

“If you can cross over to another world, why the hell can’t I?”

“I don’t mean you physically can’t. I mean you can’t because there’s already a James Stark over there. He’s a general in Neferet’s army. Kevin said he’s even Neferet’s lover.” I grimaced. “Which is so damn gross I can hardly stand to think about it, and believe me—I’m going to try my best to do something about that. Goddess, can you imagine how—”

“I don’t care about that. That’s notme.I care aboutyou.This you—my Queen, who I am Oathbound to as her Warrior and who I protect as her Goddess-given Guardian. Z, I understand why you have to go. I’ve known you’ve been thinking about it—worrying about Other Kevin—I even expected you to go. But I have to come with you.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I wish you could, but it doesn’t make any sense.You’re already over there.And you’re super visible. I need to sneak over—tell Kevin he has to quit using Old Magick—help him defeat Neferet, which I think I have figured out—and then get back here.” I met his anguished gaze and said what I had to, said what he wouldn’t want to hear but must hear. “Stark, you wouldn’t be helping me if you went. You’d be adding to what is already going to be a really difficult thing to do. I’m sorry,” I repeated. “But I’ve made up my mind. I’m going, and you’re not.”

The pain flashed to rage. “You think I don’t know the real reason you don’t want me to go? It’s because you’re going to see Heath and you don’t want me being a third damn wheel!”

I’d expected him to say that. I’d expected his hurt and his anger. But it didn’t make this any easier.

“No, Stark. That’s not why you can’t come with me. If you got caught, which would be easy to do becauseyour alter ego over there is a powerful general who everyone knows,you would be killed. Or tortured. Or something awful. And I couldn’t bear that. But it’s about more than what I can and can’t bear. It’s even about more than what you can and can’t bear. If they caught you it would be bad for Kevin and his world for sure, but bad for our world as well. Stark, think. What would happen if Neferet found out there’s a whole other world over here—one she’snotin charge of? And then think about what she’d do if—no, not if—whenOther Kevin and his Resistance turn the tide and actually start to defeat her. What would Neferet do?”

“I don’t fucking know!”

“Yes, you do. We all do. She’d run. And she’d run here.” I took his hand in mine again. “Stark, I love you. I hate hurting you. And I’mnotgoing over there just to see Heath. But this isn’t about you and me. It’s about two whole worlds and being sure Darkness doesn’t ever win.”

“Did you hear yourself? You’re ‘not going over therejustto see Heath’! ‘Just’!” he air-quoted. “But you are going to see him, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know. Kevin told me he’s at OU. I’m not going there, Stark. I’m going to Tulsa.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Please don’t do this. Don’t be jealous of someone who isn’t even alive,” I said.

“But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Heisalive over in that world you’re just dying to get to.”

This time I let go of his hand myself. “You actually think I want to go? That I want to fight Neferet again? That I want to leave my home and my friends andyou?” I shook my head. “You’re jealous and you’re wrong.” I stood. “Everyone’s meeting me at the messed-up tree. I have to go.”

“Yeah, I know. I got your group text. It was super intimate.” He turned in his chair so that he was facing the book and not me. “Is that how you were going to tell me?”

“In a text? No!”

“I didn’t think that. I meant were you going to tell me you’re going and I’m staying in front of everyone?”

I chewed my cheek. Actually, I’d planned on telling everyone together that I was going—and who was and wasnotgoing with me.Good job, Z. Stark thinks you’re willing to insult and embarrass him—as well as leaving him for Heath.

“I—I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I just know I have to go, and I have to tell everyone. I didn’t think about it making you mad that I was telling everyone together,” I said lamely.

He looked up at me then. “I’m not mad that you were going to tell me with everyone. I’m sad. Sad that that’s all I mean to you.”

“Stark! You mean everything to me!”

“That’s bullshit.”

I went to his side and put my hand on his shoulder. I wanted to touch his hair—his face—to kiss him and hold him and never let him go. But he flinched away from my hand and turned his sad, angry gaze to the old, open book in front of him.

“I love you. That’s not bullshit. You know that. All you have to do is feel it—feel our bond.”

“You think I’ll be able to feel it when you’re over there?” he asked woodenly.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I hope so. I think I could feel my bond with you in any world.”

“I hope not.”

Those three words sliced into me, cutting through skin and muscle and bones, leaving me speechless and so, so sad. I picked up my backpack and slid it over one shoulder. Then I turned away from my Warrior and left the Media Center.

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