Page 26 of The Midwife By the Sea

It was the first time Hope had been with Izzy on a delivery, and she hadn’t been sure whether her colleague would want to take the lead. After all, Izzy was the more experienced of the two of them, and more established at the midwifery unit, but she’d seemed happy to take a backseat, telling Hope this was her delivery. Hope had been the one to take Rebecca’s call and had been the first on the scene. There was no pulling of rank or making Hope feel like the new girl. She was one of the team already, with as much value as anyone else. That wasn’t something Izzy needed to tell her, it was the way she’d made her feel. The way all the midwives in Port Agnes had made her feel.

‘Oh God, here we go.’ Rebecca gritted her teeth, doing her best to pant in the way she’d been told to. Sometimes, in moments like this, Hope couldn’t help picturing what it must have been like for Laura to give birth to her without support and in secret, having hidden her pregnancy from everyone around her. She must have been terrified and the only thing she’d been able to do was to listen to her body, because she’d had no advice and no understanding of what should be happening and whether what she was going through was normal. As well as it had somehow turned out for both her and Laura, Hope didn’t want any woman to have to go through that and it was why she’d become a midwife. It was the best job in the world and whatever she could do to support women, in a way that Laura had never been supported, made every night shift, difficult day, and the rollercoaster of emotions that came with the job worth it.

‘That’s it, Rebecca, baby’s shoulders are out. She’s here!’ One day there might come a time when Hope’s eyes weren’t glassy with emotion as she brought a baby into the world, but today wasn’t going to be that day. Deep down she hoped it never would.

Hope lifted the baby up and into her mother’s arms, as Rebecca turned around to meet her. ‘She’s the final piece of the puzzle, isn’t she?’

Jung had an expression of wonder on his face as he looked at his wife and daughter. ‘She is, and now the picture’s perfect.’

‘But it wouldn’t be without Dottie and Albie too.’ Rebecca looked suddenly anxious, her eyes welling up with tears, the same fear she’d shared with her mother earlier clearly still plaguing her in what should have been a moment of pure happiness.

Rebecca shook her head vigorously, as if trying to shake off her concerns. Izzy had returned from answering the door, with Jess at her side, and Hope knew she had to take a step back from the situation. As much as she wanted to say something to try and reassure Rebecca, this was a moment for the family and her colleagues would probably have thought it was completely inappropriate too, so she swallowed down the words. The water birth and aftermath had been planned in great detail and that’s what she needed to focus on. According to Rebecca’s birth plan, she was to have skin-to-skin contact with the baby, while they delayed cord cutting for five minutes, as long as the baby didn’t need any extra support. Since the little girl had already made her voice heard by crying as she emerged from the water, her big dark eyes looking as though they were taking in the world around her, there was no indication of any distress. It meant that Hope didn’t need to intervene until the cord was ready to be cut, after which she’d also give Rebecca an injection to bring on delivery of the placenta. She could leave the couple to have this moment with their new baby, and she certainly shouldn’t insert herself into the intense conversation they were having. Yet it was only the fact that she’d clamped her teeth together that was stopping her from blurting out what she was desperate to say.

Twenty minutes later, Rebecca was settling into new motherhood with all the ease of someone who’d already raised two children, even if the newborn stage was completely new to her. The baby had latched on to feed without the need for Hope or the other midwives to offer advice, but Rebecca’s face was still clouded by concern as she stared down at her daughter.

‘Are you okay, darling?’ Jung had clearly picked up on her expression too, gently stroking her upper arm as he asked the question.

‘I’m just still so worried about Dottie and Albie. I don’t want them to ever doubt that we love them every bit as much as the baby, and I’m scared that later on they’ll think we feel differently about them, because they’re adopted. We need them to know that isn’t true.’

‘We’ll make sure of it,’ Jung reassured her. ‘We’ve just got to keep showing them the same amount of love we always have and that it’s no different to the love we show this little one.’

‘What if someone tells them we can’t possibly feel the same about them because they’re adopted? Remember that woman at the antenatal group who kept trying to insist that we’ll automatically love this baby more, no matter what we said to try and convince her otherwise? I keep picturing Dottie and Albie’s faces if someone says something like that to them, thinking it’s true, and it breaks my heart. I just want to be happy that we’ve been given so much, everything we ever dreamed of with three beautiful kids, but I can’t when I know that might happen.’

‘Other people can keep their opinions to themselves.’ Jung’s jaw was set in a firm line, but Rebecca clearly wasn’t in the mood for platitudes.

‘They won’t though, will they? We’ve already experienced it and I can’t bear the thought of the children being subjected to that.’ Rebecca’s voice caught on the words and Hope couldn’t hold back any longer, because there was something she couldn’t bear herself – the idea of this moment being spoilt. Platitudes might not be working for Rebecca, but maybe hearing from someone who’d been adopted into a family like theirs would be different.

‘People will always have something to say.’ Hope was aware of Izzy and Jess behind her as she started to speak, but she didn’t even turn to look at them, because she probably shouldn’t say what she was about to, given how much personal information she’d be revealing. If there was even a chance of it helping Rebecca and Jung, she was determined to do it anyway. ‘What other people say won’t change how your children feel, if they’ve got so much evidence to the contrary. Like Jung said, all you have to do is keep on loving your children the way you always have, in exactly the same way you’ll love the new baby, and they’ll know the truth.’

There was a flicker of doubt in Rebecca’s eyes, but before she could challenge the advice, Hope pressed on. ‘That was my experience and I never felt anything other than a part of my family, just as much as my three sisters. I was the only one who was adopted, after my two eldest sisters were born, but before my younger sister. Mum and Dad are brilliant, and they make us all feel like we’re the best thing ever to happen to them, they say it too. I’ve never doubted how much they love me because of it and I know you can do the same thing, because you already are.’

‘Thank you.’ Rebecca reached out a hand, still holding her baby daughter close, and Hope was amazed at how much strength was in that squeeze, given all the energy she’d just expended. ‘Love has never been in short supply around here and right now it feels pretty limitless.’

‘We’re so lucky.’ Jung rested his forehead against Rebecca’s, and Hope had to agree. Anyone who had access to limitless love was truly blessed, and how that love came about was always the least important part of the story.

14

‘That was an absolutely lovely thing to witness,’ Izzy remarked, as the three midwives finally took their leave of the cottage at the end of Church Walk. ‘And lucky me, the journey home will take all of two minutes, even on foot.’

‘Thanks so much for coming in to help out.’ Jess, who’d been thrilled to arrive at the house moments after the arrival of Rebecca and Jung’s baby, rested a hand on Izzy’s shoulder, as she spoke.

‘How could I say no when the mother-to-be is virtually one of my neighbours?’ Izzy grinned, in the soft light of the summer evening that was slowly fading into dusk. She was married to Noah, the vicar at St Jude’s, and they lived in the vicarage on the opposite side of the church to Rebecca’s house. So it really had been a short commute, but that didn’t make it any less kind of her to give up her time off to work an extra shift.

‘I’m really glad you were there.’ Hope looked towards Izzy as she spoke. ‘And thanks so much for the way you supported me. I’ve done quite a lot of water births in the hospital, but this was my first one in someone’s home. It was great to know I had your expertise as back up if I needed it, but also the experience of taking the lead in a situation like this. Just in case there’s an emergency and I’m on my own next time!’

‘You were a superstar and no one would ever have guessed it was your first time overseeing a water birth at home.’ Izzy’s tone was warm and as the three of them walked down the path together, the sense that Hope had found a home-from-home in Port Agnes grew all the stronger. As much as she missed Tenby and her family, it felt right being here, even if she never told Joe Carter what had motivated her to come in the first place. It was a good realisation to have, easing any pressure she felt to make a decision. The only time that decision seemed truly pressing was when she saw Joe or Esther. That was when it felt that if she didn’t time things exactly right, the opportunity to tell them who she was, and try to make that a positive thing, would pass forever. Deep down, she knew that wasn’t true and that the ball was entirely in her court, but she couldn’t help how she felt. Days like today made it seem like all of that pressure was gone – doing the job she loved with colleagues she was pretty certain she’d soon call friends – but then Izzy said something that took her right back to thinking about Joe and Esther.

‘Just say if you’d rather not talk about it, but I thought what you said about your adoption was wonderful. I could see how much it meant to Rebecca and how much this has been troubling her.’

‘I don’t mind talking about it.’ Hope smiled, so that Izzy would know she meant it. ‘I feel incredibly lucky to be a Masterson and part of the family I belong to, and I’m happy to share my story with anyone if I think it might help.’

‘It’s helped me too, actually.’ Jess’s words took Hope by surprise. She’d shared her own story with Hope, so she knew the story of how Jess had come to adopt her children, but she still couldn’t imagine how what she’d said to Rebecca had helped. After all, Hope had already been open about her adoption at the infertility support group, but then Jess continued. ‘Riley’s birth parents have both died, so I’ve never had to worry about the day he might decide to seek them out and what that could mean for me and Dexter, but our daughter is different. I can’t help thinking about the day she might decide she wants more than letterbox contact, and whether that might make her think less of me and Dexter. I suppose it’s human nature to have those fears, but what you said about never feeling anything other than a part of your family, because of how much you’re loved, really helps. I hope if Iris decides to find her biological parents, they show her love too, but most of all I just want to make sure she knows she’s loved by us and because of that she’ll be able to handle anything else that comes her way.’

‘I think she will. I know that’s how it’s been for me. I never really felt the need to find my parents, but when I eventually made contact with my birth mother, I knew I’d be able to handle it if it didn’t work out.’

‘And did it?’ Izzy slapped a hand over her mouth almost as soon as the words were out. ‘Oh God, I’m so sorry, that’s none of my business.’

‘It’s fine.’ Hope gave her another reassuring smile. If this really was helping Jess, she didn’t mind talking about it. ‘It worked out to the extent that we met, got on well enough and the door is open for us to have contact again, as and when we want to. But she has her own life, and I have mine and neither of us need each other. I think it was enough for each of us to know that the other is safe and happy. She was very young when she had me and her life now is very different to mine. I don’t think she ever felt like a mother to me, and I certainly don’t view her that way.’