Page 29 of The Midwife By the Sea

‘Me too, even if he has got feet like a swamp monster.’ Louie laughed again, then looked suddenly serious. ‘I always knew I was lucky to have a family like mine, but the work I do has made me realise just how lucky. Lack of love and support has such a huge impact on people’s mental health, and I see that first hand.’

‘I know exactly what you mean.’ Hope tried to push down the question that felt as though it was already spilling out of her mouth, but for the second time she found she couldn’t stop the words from escaping. ‘And what it’s like working with Joe? He seems like a really nice guy.’

‘He’s great.’ Louie’s voice was full of the same enthusiasm reflected in his face. ‘Joe cares so much about the patients and there’s such a lot I can learn from him, which he wants to share. He gives all of us in the department every opportunity to learn and progress. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of ego at all, which is incredibly rare for a consultant, in my experience. I feel like I absolutely landed on my feet securing a role in his department. Are you finding working at St Piran’s similar to the other hospitals you’ve worked in?’

Hope hesitated for a moment, not because she wasn’t certain of the response she wanted to give Louie – she loved the role she’d been lucky enough to secure and got on well with all her colleagues – but she felt suddenly bereft at the change of subject. She’d enjoyed hearing him talk about what it was like to work with Joe and it was as though she’d had a window into her biological father’s world for a moment that she hadn’t been ready to close. Shaking off the feeling as best she could, Hope smiled. ‘Working at the hospital is great, but I think I said the first time we met that what I like even better is the community midwifery. Quite a few of the team work across both the hospital and the unit in Port Agnes, like me, but I know which one I’d pick, if I had to.’

‘What was it you said you liked so much about working in the community? Getting to know your patients better?’ He was studying her face as he waited for her to respond; clearly genuinely interested in the answer, instead of just making small talk.

‘Yes, it’s the opportunity it gives me to support women both during their pregnancy and in the days afterwards, rather than just at the birth. We have some mothers-to-be who have their antenatal appointments at the hospital, but most of them see midwives in the community and only come to the hospital to give birth. I like seeing the whole story from beginning to end.’ She smiled at the thought. ‘There’s something magical about that.’

‘It sounds like it and I guess that ties back to the reason you wanted to come here, to understand your own story from beginning to end too.’ He shook his head, looking as though he wished he could stuff the words back down his throat. ‘God, I’m so sorry. I can’t seem to switch off the psychotherapist in me, even when no one has asked him to show up.’

Hope laughed, grateful his admission had lightened the tension, because even though it felt as though she wanted to confide in Louie, he was dangerously close to people who had more right to know the truth than he did. She’d already said far more than she’d planned to, and she was annoyed at herself. The last thing she wanted was her story getting out, unless she was the one to tell it, but Louie’s words had eased her guilt at having said so much. He’d admitted that he couldn’t stop the psychotherapist within him coming out, and that was probably the reason why she’d said so much more to him than she’d intended to. She could let herself off the hook for that and, even though she’d put words and truths out there that she’d intended to keep to herself, no one could possibly put two and two together to join the dots and realise that Joe was her biological father. He didn’t even know he’d fathered a child, so how could anyone else work it out? Maybe that meant it was actually a good thing she’d been as open as she had with Louie, instead of it being something to fear and beat herself up about. She’d needed to tell her story to someone who’d never heard it before, to try and make sense of it, and that’s what talking to Louie had given her. Perhaps it could even be her chance to ask another question, to someone neutral, who might be able to help her work out a solution to the dilemma she’d been struggling with for weeks. It was now or never.

‘Well, seeing as the psychotherapist version of you has turned up uninvited, I was wondering if he might have a view on something I’ve been mulling over.’

‘He seems to have a view on pretty much everything.’ Louie pulled a face. ‘It’s no good, I can’t keep talking about myself in the third person, in case it turns out I can’t stop. I really don’t want to be one of those kinds of people!’

‘Probably a good call. I don’t want to take advice from someone like that.’

‘Ah, this is where the uninvited psychotherapist might not be as useful as you’re hoping.’ Louie gave a brief shrug. ‘Even though I do have an opinion on most things, in my professional role I don’t actually give advice. My role is to help people see the options open to them and provide the tools for them to make their own decisions and solve their own problems. That’s the theory anyway.’

‘I completely get that and actually it sounds like exactly what I need. The thing is, I’ve been stuck in this decision, not knowing which way to go.’ Hope didn’t look at him, instead heaping another spoonful ofchorizo al vinoon to her plate. She didn’t want to risk him reading anything into her expression about just how big a decision this was. ‘I’m going to ask this from a bit of a different perspective, though. So that it doesn’t feel like I’m asking you for advice about what I should do, but more to give me a picture of how my decisions might affect other people.’

‘Okay, if I think I can say anything remotely useful, I will.’ He waited patiently as she steeled herself to ask the question. Not at all sure what she wanted the answer to be.

‘I just want to know…’ Hope hesitated again, knowing that once the words were out there, he was going to respond and then she’d have to choose what to do with whatever options he presented to her. She couldn’t keep mulling this decision over forever, though, and she was never going to be able to fully relax until she was at peace with the choice she’d made. She was nowhere near that stage yet and maybe, just maybe, Louie could help her get there. ‘My question is, if you had a child out there somewhere, who you didn’t know about, would you want to be told?’

‘Yes.’ Louie’s initial response was unequivocal, coming without a moment’s hesitation, but he wasn’t finished. ‘The trouble is, a question like that will only ever give you one perspective. It’s easy for me to say, in my circumstances. There’s no one else to consider. I can’t say how I’d feel if I had a partner, or other children, who’d be affected too. I think I’d still want to know, in fact I’m almost sure I would, but I can’t be 100 per cent certain, because I’m not in that situation.’

Hope scanned his face for a moment, wondering if he had somehow read her mind, but all he’d done was remind her of what she’d said earlier; that her biological father had his own life, and her sudden appearance might impact that in a negative way. Louie had said he’d thought he’d want to know the truth, even in those circumstances, but he couldn’t be sure. He’d been honest from the start and told her he didn’t give advice, just helped people to see the bigger picture, but Hope was all too aware of that already. It wasn’t Louie’s fault, but she was still no closer to knowing what to do and she couldn’t quite keep the disappointment out of her voice when she responded. ‘Thank you, that was…’

‘Completely useless?’ That lovely smile of his didn’t waver, even as she found herself nodding. ‘I know it’s annoying that I can’t give you an answer, or tell you what to do, but I can ask you this. What do you want?’

‘Does it matter what I want, if it has the power to impact his life far more greatly than mine?’

‘The problem is that you’ll never know what he wants without actually telling him first. That’s what makes this such a difficult decision, because you’re a thoughtful person who cares a lot about others. There is a technique I can recommend you try. Although some people find it uncomfortable.’

‘If you’re going to tell me to write a letter to my inner child, I might have to nip to the ladies and try to squeeze out of the tiny window in there.’ She raised her eyebrows, only half joking, but he laughed anyway.

‘I won’t do that, I promise, I’d hate theThree Ports Newsto write a viral story about the midwife who got stuck in the toilet window of a tapas bar. I can see the comments section now, people asking if the fire brigade had to use forceps.’ He grinned and it was her turn to laugh.

‘Okay then, as long as it’s not as cringey as that, you might as well tell me about this technique, because nothing else is helping me decide.’

‘You just need to visualise yourself telling your biological father who you are and take note of how doing that makes you feel, the way your body reacts to saying the words. Obviously, you can’t anticipate his response, but if the thought of finally telling him about it makes you smile, or even brings you a sense of relief, then I think you’ll have your answer. It might at least be worth a try.’

‘Thank you and maybe I will.’ She gestured towards one of the bowls in front of her, ready to close the subject again, at least for now. ‘Do you want the last of the calamari?’

‘You can have it, as long as I get to ask you a question this time, that you have to give an honest answer to.’

She hesitated for a moment, really not wanting to talk about the situation with Joe again, but it was only fair Louie got the chance to ask something, and she’d had plenty of practice at being evasive if she wanted to be. ‘Okay.’

‘Would you like to do this again?’ It wasn’t the question she’d been expecting him to ask, and it wasn’t just relief that flooded her body, it felt a lot like endorphins too.

‘Well, the tapas is lovely.’ She grinned, teasing him, and as quick as a flash, Louie moved to skewer the calamari with a fork.

‘If you’re going to leave me hanging like that, I might just have to eat this.’ He was laughing again and much to her surprise, she found herself wondering what it would be like to kiss him and realising that she really wanted to. Hope had been determined not to create any more complications for herself when there were already so many, but life seemed to have a way of creating its own.