Page 40 of The Midwife By the Sea

‘She might not even want that.’ There was a desperation in his eyes now, but Esther had released his hand, and she was already stepping away, moving closer to the holdalls lined up side by side in the hallway of their home.

‘And that’s something you need to find out too, without me around to muddy the waters.’ She shrugged him off as he tried to reach out to her again. ‘If you really love me, Joe, you need to let me do this, otherwise I really can’t see there being a chance for us. I mean it.’

‘Okay, if that’s what you want. I’ll give you whatever you need and do whatever it takes to sort this out.’ The words were strained and, when she turned to look at him, his eyes were filled with tears too. Becoming a father hadn’t brought him the joy she’d dreamt it would, and that was because of her. Right now, she couldn’t envisage a road back to them meaning as much to one another as they always had. But she had to believe there was still a chance, because she didn’t even want to try to imagine spending the rest of her life without him.

It had been almost three weeks since Hope had gone to see Esther and Joe and told them everything Laura had told her. Working in the community instead of the hospital had made things easier, but the thought of accidently bumping into Joe or Esther still made her feel like the best thing she could do for everyone’s sake was to leave Cornwall and not look back. All she’d done in their lives was to stir up difficult feelings and make herself vulnerable to getting hurt too. She understood why Esther felt the way she did, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t painful.

Hope had pushed Joe away and told him to focus on his wife, which she was certain was the right thing to do, but that hadn’t prevented the feeling of emptiness from settling in her chest. It would almost certainly be easier on them all if she just left, there’d be no expectations or hopes for what might happen between them, that way. The trouble was, there were other reasons she didn’t want to go. She loved her job and the team of midwives in Port Agnes were the best she’d ever worked with. There were women she was supporting in the community who she’d formed bonds with, and she longed to see their pregnancies through to the end. And then there was Louie. For the past three weeks he’d been endlessly patient; listening to her say the same thing over and over again about how difficult the situation was, how she should never have said anything and contented herself with learning what type of man Joe was from afar. Every time, Louie had tried to reassure her she’d done nothing wrong and that he was certain Joe would rather know the truth. She doubted that, though. Despite the things that Joe had said, she’d still bet that he’d rather go back to blissful ignorance, when his wife was happy. It might have been purely accidental, but Hope’s actions had inadvertently broken Esther’s heart and she was sure they would have broken Joe’s too, as a result.

She had a week left to go until she had to let Jess know whether she was going to stick around and she still had no idea what her answer would be, because there were so many reasons to stay, but one huge reason to leave that threatened to overwhelm everything else. All the going backwards and forwards trying to decide what to do was exhausting and Hope was determined that today she wouldn’t allow it to take up all the space in her head. Louie had booked them a boat trip from Port Tremellien to go dolphin watching. If that wasn’t enough to take her mind off things, she wasn’t sure if anything could.

‘This is just what I needed, thank you.’ Hope slipped her hand into Louie’s as they walked along the promenade in the direction of the meeting point. They still had half an hour to kill and there was an ice cream shop on the harbour that sold the most delicious mango ice cream. Ever since Hope had first tried it, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it whenever she fancied something sweet. It was a beautiful day, perfect ice cream weather, and since Louie had resolutely refused to let her make any contribution towards the boat trip, she fully intended to treat him to the biggest ice cream the shop sold.

‘It’s just what I needed too.’ Louie’s tone was warm. ‘But it’s always my favourite way to spend my day off.’

‘Dolphin watching?’

‘No, with you.’ He smiled that wonderfully disarming smile that had made her like him from the start, and which made her like him a little bit more every time she saw it. She loved the fact that there was absolutely no game playing with him either, and no secrets. He was honest and straightforward about how he felt, and that was something else she needed right now more than ever, even if it made the decision about whether to leave even harder.

‘That’s just earned you an even bigger scoop of ice cream.’ She stopped to kiss him, the door of the ice cream shop just ten metres away, so she didn’t see the people emerging or walking towards them, until it was far too late to dart out of the way, or try to hide.

‘Hello, Louie.’ Hope recognised Joe’s voice even before she turned to look at him and he greeted her too, relief flooding her body when she realised he was with his sister rather than Esther. ‘Hello, Hope.’

‘Hi, Joe. Good to see you, Danni.’ Louie kissed her on both cheeks, but Hope seemed rooted to the spot, her arms held in close to her sides.

‘Good to see you too, Louie.’ Danni smiled. ‘And you, Hope. How have you been?’

‘Keeping busy with work.’ She gave a little shrug, trying to act far more casual than she felt. ‘How have you been? Not long now.’

‘No, not long at all.’ Danni rested a hand on her bump. ‘And it’s like having a huge built-in hot water bottle, which I don’t need with the current weather. Hence dragging Joe to the ice cream parlour. Although I didn’t need to twist his arm too much, given his addiction to mango ice cream.’

She gave her brother a gentle nudge, and Louie smiled. ‘That’s your favourite too, isn’t it, Hope?’

‘Yes, one of them.’ She tried to brush Louie’s comment off, despite how innocuous it was. Not wanting Joe to think she was desperately trying to find some kind of link between them. For an awkward moment, no one said anything.

‘Actually, I’m just going to head back in.’ Danni broke the silence. ‘I want to get one of the boxes of pistachio fudge they’ve started selling. It’s Charlie’s favourite. Maybe you should come in and get some of the mango ice cream, Louie, before they sell out. They didn’t have all that much left and you wouldn’t want Hope to be disappointed.’

Danni’s tone was light, but it didn’t take a trained psychologist like Louie to identify the intent behind her suggestion and he quickly agreed. ‘Definitely not. I’ll head in with you now. Do you want anything else, Hope?’

Somehow, she resisted the urge to tell him the only thing she wanted was for him to stay right where he was. She didn’t want to be on her own with Joe. Instead, she shook her head and silently watched the two of them disappear.

‘Not very subtle, are they?’ Joe gave her a half smile, that tiny hint of crookedness she’d recognised straight away more evident than ever.

‘No, they’re not.’ Much to her surprise, she found herself smiling too.

‘I’m glad though.’ Joe’s eyes didn’t leave her face. ‘I’m sorry this has all been so difficult and there have been so many times when I wanted to come and find you, but I also wanted to respect the boundaries you put in place.’

‘Thank you.’ She looked down at the ground, not knowing what else to say, because part of her was grateful that he’d respected her wishes, but another part of her was hurt that he’d been able to do so. When she finally looked up at him, she could tell he was battling with conflicting emotions just as much as she was.

‘The way you’ve handled this has been incredible. I only wish I’d handled it anywhere near as well. It just feels like I’ve messed everything up.’ Joe sighed. ‘None of this is coming out the way I wanted it to, sorry. I was sure that when we finally got to talk, I’d have it all straight in my head, I’ve thought about it so much, but it’s still all coming out wrong. What I’m trying to say is, thank you. Your parents have raised an amazing person.’

‘That’s kind of you to say, but you don’t even know me. Not really.’ Hope didn’t mean it to sound accusatory, but somehow it still did.

‘I know more than enough to be certain of some things, and I’ve seen the way you support patients who are in distress. Even if I hadn’t witnessed that, just the way you’ve handled the situation between us would have been all the evidence I needed. You’ve tried to make things as easy as possible for Esther and you’ve put her first; not many people would do that, in your position. I’m so sorry you had to be the one to recognise what she needed, but you realised it long before I did. That makes you very special.’

‘How is she?’ Hope couldn’t acknowledge his praise, not if she was going to have a chance of maintaining the distance between them. And she knew she had to even before she saw the twist of pain on his face in response to her question. It didn’t matter what he said next, she already had her answer.

‘She’s just taking the time she said she wanted to process all of this. You made me see I needed to give that to her.’ His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and Hope had to swallow against the guilt rising up in her throat, even before he continued. ‘I think it would have been impossible for her to get that while we were living under the same roof, so she’s gone to stay with her mum and dad for a little while, but don’t worry, it won’t be for long.’ Despite Joe’s attempts to minimise the situation and the compliments he’d paid Hope about how she’d handled things, what had happened had put Joe and Esther’s marriage at risk. Hope wouldn’t be able to forgive herself for that, if Esther never came back, and her voice was choked with emotion as she spoke again.