Page 43 of The Midwife By the Sea

‘Home it is then,’ her father had said and it had been as simple as that. Breaking the news to Jess and Anna had been harder. Jess had kept her promise not to put any pressure on Hope, but she’d seen the disappointment in their faces all the same, and the words Jess had said had made it even harder.

‘If you change your mind and want to come back, please get in touch, because if there’s any way of finding a role for you at the hospital, or the midwifery unit, we’ll want to do it, won’t we, Anna?’

‘Absolutely, you’ve been such an asset to both teams.’ They had smiled at her so warmly, not letting her see the stress her decision would undoubtedly put them under. ‘I just hope going home turns out to be all you want it to be.’

‘Me too.’ Hope had hugged them both then, trying to push down the guilt she felt about letting them down. She’d made her decision for the right reasons, and she just had to keep that in mind. Now she just had one last goodbye to say before she could head north to Tenby and work out where on earth to go from there.

‘Getting your message was such a nice surprise.’ Louie greeted her with a kiss the moment he saw her, just inside the main entrance to the hospital. She’d texted him to ask if he could meet her during his lunch break, and she could understand why he seemed so surprised that she’d offered to meet him there. After Joe and Esther had found out who Hope was, she’d told Louie she couldn’t meet him at the hospital any more, because of the risk of bumping into them, but none of that mattered now. If she saw them at all, it would be for the last time.

‘I brought you some lunch, to save us having to go looking for anything.’ She held up a bag from Mehenick’s Bakery. ‘Shall we go and sit in the Wellbeing Garden?’

There were six benches in the green area between two of the buildings in the hospital that had been given the rather grand title. She just hoped the garden would work its magic when she broke the news to Louie that she was leaving.

‘Great, but you’d better be careful or I might get used to this kind of treatment, and who wouldn’t want you coming to meet them for lunch every day?’ He put an arm around her waist, and she tried not to flinch away from him, but she didn’t want him to touch her right now. Walking away from the bond that had grown between them was already hard enough to do. It was still early days, but it felt like it could be something really special, given more time, and now she was ending it. Even if Louie suggested they continue to see each other when they could, she knew she was going to have to say no. She couldn’t afford to have a reason to come back to Cornwall and if Louie came to visit her, she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from pumping him for information about Joe. There was only one way to handle this and that was a clean break.

‘I think you ought to find yourself more of a domestic goddess than me, if you’re looking for someone who can bring you lunch every day.’ It was supposed to be a light-hearted comment, but she hadn’t been able to stop her tone from going tight.

‘I’m only joking.’ He squeezed her hand again. ‘But I was thrilled when you suggested meeting me here and I’m hoping that means you don’t feel like you’ve got to keep avoiding Joe and Esther any more.’

‘It’s not that I’m avoiding them, it’s just?—’

‘Joe asks me about you all the time,’ Louie said, as he stepped back and let Hope go through the door that led out into the garden, in front of him. When she didn’t answer, he kept talking. ‘He tries not to, but he can’t help himself and, it’s not my place to say anything, but I really think he’d like to see you again.’

‘You’re right, it’s not your place.’ This wasn’t the way she’d wanted things to go or how she’d planned it and, when she turned to look at Louie and saw the expression on his face, she immediately regretted being so short with him. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just that this is hard enough.’

‘No, I’m the one who should be apologising. I know all the decisions you’ve made have been for the right reasons, but I’m certain it’ll all come good in time, and there’s no doubting that’s what Joe wants too. That’s all I meant to say.’

She sat down on the bench, patting the space beside her and, when he sat down, she handed him the bag she’d been carrying.

‘Is this all for me?’

‘Yes.’

‘So where’s yours?’ He gave her a quizzical look and she sighed, running a hand through her hair.

‘I need to get on the road as soon as I can, to make sure I get the motorway part of the journey over and done with before rush hour starts. Otherwise, who knows what time I’ll get back to Tenby.’

‘You’re going home?’ Louie met her gaze as she nodded. ‘How long for?’

‘For good.’

He let out a long breath. ‘Somehow, I knew you were going to say that. I just didn’t want you to. And I know there’s probably nothing I can say to make you change your mind?’

‘I don’t think so. Me being here has put so much pressure on Joe and Esther, and for what? I don’t need a dad; I’ve already got the best one anyone could ever ask for. I’ve caused all of this for nothing, and things won’t get better between Joe and Esther all the time I’m here. It’s not that I don’t want things to carry on between the two of us, I just think even trying to see each other long distance will complicate things and stop me from having the clean break I need. I feel like I need to?—’

‘It’s okay.’ He cut her off this time, before letting out another sigh. ‘Well, it’s not, that’s a lie. What I mean is that I understand why you feel you need to go and I know how hard it will be for you to walk away from your patients and the friends you’ve made here, maybe even me.’

He managed a half smile and she needed him to know how right he was. ‘It really is hard.’

‘I also know that the last thing you need is a guilt trip from me, when you already have so much to deal with, but I just want you to know that I’m going to miss you. A lot. And that I wish you weren’t going.’

‘I wish I wasn’t going either.’ She hadn’t meant to say the words out loud, but she seemed to be making a habit of not being able to keep them in just lately and perhaps that was a good thing. Long-held secrets were what had brought her here and what had caused so much hurt when they’d finally come to light. So Hope was glad Louie knew she wished she could stay, especially if it lessened the hurt she’d never wanted to inflict on him. She just hoped that Esther was right and that time would make it easier for them all in the end. She couldn’t bear the thought that she might have walked away from so much, if the only thing that survived after she was gone was the pain that revealing her secret had caused.

Esther had rushed straight to Joe’s office the moment her shift had finished, flinging her arms around his neck when she saw him emerge, not giving a damn what his colleagues or waiting patients thought.

‘I’m so sorry, I’ve been a total idiot.’ Esther was almost gabbling in her desperation to say what she needed to say and Joe hugged her back just as tightly.

‘No, you haven’t, I’m just so glad you’re here.’