Page 40 of Something like Desire

The next morning, I wheel my way into Andy’s cubicle. Avoiding his gaze, I skim the display of concert ticket stubs and snapshots of Santiago on his bulletin board. I’m preparing myself for his reaction, which might involve him handcuffing me to my chair or him bursting into inconsolable tears. “I have something to tell you, and I need to say it out loud before I go through with it.”

“Uh-oh, Lexi, you’re scaring me,” he says, adjusting the collar of his pale blue dress shirt and crossing his legs. “Get to it already. Don’t leave me in suspense for another second.”

Sometimes there’s no better way than to rip the Band-Aid off without any hesitation. “I’m going to quit today,” I blurt out.

“What?” Andy cries dramatically, clutching his chest and blinking his eyes frenetically as if he’s about to faint. “You’re going to leave me here by myself? You’re the only thing I love about this place!”

“And you’re the only reason I’ve stayed this long,” I respond, smiling sadly at him. “But we’ll still hang out. Karaoke nights. You can come by my house. The whole deal.”

“Nooooo.” Andy juts his bottom lip out. “It won’t be the same as seeing you every day.”

“I know.”

Andy stares at the carpet and lets out a long, depressed sigh. “Well, I know the pettiness of the people who work here got to you. I get it. I want you to be happy, of course.”

“Thanks.” I fiddle with a pen cap I find on Andy’s desk. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little sad walking out of this role for good. There are mixed feelings. It’s bittersweet.

Andy catches my eye and gives me a hint of a smile. “Okay, so, now it’s time to dish. Give me the scoop, please. Where’s the other job?”

I take a deep breath. This might be the part he doesn’t quite get. “I don’t have one yet. But I have a little money saved, and I haven’t taken a real break, like, for myself, in years. Not since that trip I told you about, during my gap year. I want a few weeks to breathe, to really figure out what job might actually make me happy. I want time to think. And to write. Before I just get swept into the next thing.”

“I get it,” he says, and I feel a rush of relief that it doesn’t sound too risky to him. “Honestly, that sounds kind of amazing.” He leans his head to the side, giving me a contemplative look. “And what does Jayden think about this new path?”

I suck in a long breath, then just say it. “I broke up with him.”

Andy’s eyebrows fly up and he scoots closer to me. “Lexi, youdid? When?Why?”

I fill him in on the details, the hard conversations, the weight that lifted, the quiet I hadn’t realized I’d been craving. Andy has his head propped up on his hands, nodding and hanging on to every word. I’ll miss having someone around who’s such a fan of listening to my many debacles.

“Honestly? I never saw you two as a solid match. He doesn’t complement your energy. I feel like if he did come to karaoke, he’d try to tame your Taylor-Swift-singing self and convince you to go home with him before you could do all of her greatest hits.”

“Maybe. He used to hate it when he thought I was embarrassing myself.”

“Youweren’tembarrassing yourself though. You were a true queen, having fun. The whole bar was chanting your name like fans and groupies. Santiago still talks about it.”

I laugh. “We’ll go again soon. I promise.”

“You have to tell me something else though. You breaking up with Jayden... Did it have anything to do with that Zach guy you mentioned?” Andy blinks quickly like he dares me to try to lie to him about this.

“Not exactly.” And it’s true. Zach didn’t cause the breakup—he just opened my eyes to some aspects of my life that made me feel like I was in a rut.

“Not exactlyisn’t a no,” Andy says in a singsong voice. “Oooh, Lexi, do you like him? Do you have more in common besides your parents dating and liking bus stop posters? Please tell me and make the story as juicy as possible, please. You owe me this since you’re leaving me.”

I laugh and shrug my shoulders. “There’s nothing to tell really. He’s a cool person and a free spirit and that side of him does inspire me. Now that we’ve given up on trying to break up our parents, I don’t know how much of each other we’ll be seeing.” This statement isn’t entirely true, and I know it, but also? I don’t really feel like telling Andy about the sex. The experience in the woods was too special to turn into a juicy story. The way things were between me and Zach yesterday, I feel like we’ll find a way to see each other again. It was too hot to never revisit again. Truly. But I want a chance to think things through first.

Andy makes a face like he’s solving a math problem. “Unless your mom marries his dad, and then you’ll be stepsiblings.” He claps his hands in delight. “Ooooh, that would be so naughty. Being hot for your stepbrother.”

“Andy, come on.” I nudge him in the ribs and roll my eyes.

He grins. “You’re going to miss me so much.”

“More than I’ll ever admit.” And it’s true. It was so nice to have someone to vent to, someone to laugh with, someone to do silly reenactments with. Of course I’ll still see Andy, he’s become a good friend, but it won’t be the same as seeing him eight hours a day, five days a week. This is going to feel weird at first, even though it’s opening the door for exciting new possibilities.

I glance at the time and take a breath. “Okay. I’m going in to talk to Felicity now. I asked her for a meeting, and it’s time.”

Andy lifts his hands in mock seriousness. “Good luck, brave warrior. I’ll be here, mourning our beautiful chats.”

As I push through the door, past customer service, toward Felicity’s office, I get that feeling again. The same feeling I had when I was about to break up with Jayden, like I don’t need to be scared, not really, because I’m doing something I know deep down that I have to do.