Page 72 of If I Go Down with This Ship

And maybe, in another time and place, Astra would humiliate him, make Willie Taylor feel worthless, but what use is that in a world built on the sea?There is only one way for revenge in this world.

And it is death.

“Astra,” the man, Willie, says.He holds up his hands in surrender, smiling even as he searches for a path out.“It’s been a long time.”

“Not long enough.”They stop before him, knife twirling in their fingers.Astra has practiced these lines, practiced that move for this very moment, intent to put on a show.

“You don’t have to do this,” Willie Taylor says.

For a man who has lived most of his life at sea, he expects far too much of pirates.

“Captain!”Willie Taylor yells.

But his captain will not look at him.Willie Taylor sees it, too, and there is fear in the way he cowers when Astra grips his shirt in their hands.Captain Rivers’s crew make no move to help him, knowing what’s to come.

Astra has no care for fanfare.There’s no dramatic speech to be made as they pull away before slipping the knife into Willie Taylor’s gut with ease.I can hear the squelch of the knife slicing through skin and muscle, hear as Astra twists the knife until it’s in up to the hilt.I flinch at the sound, wanting to turn away, but Silas’s eyes are on me, waiting to see what I’ll do, how I’ll react.

I want to run.I’ve always been scared of facing things—danger, blood, my past.But I have nowhere else to go.My right foot takes half a step back, but I freeze, knowing there’s nothing I can do.

Lips peeled back, Astra steps away, taking the knife with them.Blood drips into the sand, splattering a gory imageacross the beach as it dribbles.“Thank you for teaching me to love myself,” they say as Willie Taylor drops to his knees.

I can’t look away.

“Thank you for teaching me that there’s so much more out there than marrying a sad, boring boy who makes empty promises.”

Willie Taylor presses his hands to his gut, bright red blood gushing from the wound and painting his fingers.

“Thank you,” Astra says with finality, “for giving me a second chance at life.”Willie Taylor falls face-first into the sand with a garbled sound, and the blood seeps in around him, pooling.

“Without you,” Astra says as they wipe the bloody blade on their thigh, “I would have never found the thing I love most.”Astra sheathes their dagger in their belt, turning to us.They smile wickedly, taking in the crew ofShe Deceitful.“This.”

Our crew rushes forward, their calls splitting through the silence.Someone nudges me, and they crowd around Astra, but I stay where I am, watching on.

I thought I could belong here.I thought I could just stay at Silas’s side and forget about returning to my time, but I am suddenly the outcast once more.I look across the crowd at Silas.He meets my eyes, the corner of his lips tilting, and though I want to smile, I can’t.

Much as I want it to be, this isn’t me.

I don’t belong.

I’ve been denying it for weeks, ever since I kissed him in that room, but I’m not a pirate.I never was, and we were fools to ever imagine otherwise.

24A Shell of a Time

“ToCaptain Silas Night,” Charlotte says, raising a mug of ale to the night sky.“I don’t know how you managed to pull this off, but you put on one hell of a show!”

Everyone cheers as they raise their tankards.I tip mine back and swallow deep, pulling my knees to my chest as I survey their faces.There is joy and laughter, but nothing that indicates any remorse for killing Willie Taylor, his captain, or those who refused to yield.I know they’re pirates—they’re used to making these types of decisions—but how can they live with themselves?

I glance at those hesitating just beyond the fire, a mix of crew who’ve been stripped of their fancier clothes.They watched as some of their crew fought back, as Willie Taylor and their captain were run through with Astra’s and Silas’s knives, and have since chosen to sail with Silas or Charlotte, and from there?I don’t know.I don’t know how these thingswork, don’t yet fully understand the politics of pirating, but for now, they’re here with us, new crew added to our ship.

One of the younger men ogles me over the flames, but he looks away just as quickly, hurrying away to fetch some food and drink for himself.Several of the privateers-turned-pirates settle just outside of the fire as people pass around food, sliced mangoes and salted beef on leaves.

“What are you going to do with a ship that large?”Silas asks from beside me, drawing my attention back to him.

Shrugging, Charlotte plops into the sand on Silas’s right.She scratches a snoozing Sir, who’s dug himself a little spot beside the fire.“Oh, I don’t know.Probably steal some parts from it, empty its stores, burn it.”She raises a brow.“And what are you going to do now?You finished your task,” she says with a sweep toward Astra.

Astra lingers across the fire from us, hair still free and cascading down their back.They flip the dagger expertly in their fingers, gaze distant.I wonder what they’re thinking, how they feel now that Willie Taylor is dead.Some relief, perhaps.Maybe this is precisely what they needed to feel a sense of closure.

Or maybe it’ll never be enough.