Page 73 of If I Go Down with This Ship

Silas shrugs.He admires me with a tilt of his head as he takes a swig of ale.“I’m not sure what’s ahead.”

Charlotte glances between us.“Go on,” she says over the noise of the crew.“No one will notice if you disappear for a while.”

As if he’s been waiting all evening for someone to give him an excuse, Silas stands and starts toward our beach, and I hesitate a beat before following, abandoning my tankard in the sand.The noise of the fire is muffled by the trees, and soon allI hear is the lap of waves on the beach and the rhythm of the wildlife on the island.It’s a soft, melodic backtrack as Silas and I walk together along the sand.There are so many things I want to say to him that I don’t even know where to start.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he says.“And for the charade.I needed you and the rest of the crew to play along.”

We pause in the sand.His frown deepens, his gaze cast to our feet.“You don’t need to apologize,” I tell him, reaching for his hand.

He doesn’t protest, and I smooth my thumb over one of his rings.“But I do,” he says.He cups my cheek with his free hand, shaking his head.“I didn’t know if my plan would work.Astra and Jack knew, and I’m sure others wondered why I’d steer us directly into a storm, but I had to keep this quiet.”

I shouldn’t want him to hold me after all the bloodshed.I should be terrified of him, but I find myself leaning into his touch, seeking his warmth.

“Did you think the crew wouldn’t be willing to help Astra?”

Silas shakes his head.“I didn’t know what they would think.In all honesty, I simply had to hope they would forgive my deception.”

“It’s not much of a deception.It was a loose plan, after all,” I say.

He runs his thumb over my cheekbone, and the softness in his touch has the hardness from watching him and the crew on the beach melting away, the fear and confusion in where I belong here,ifI belong here, disappearing.There is pain and sorrow in his dark eyes, in the lines around his mouth, and it drags me back to the night after the storm, the one where he curled into my side and cried.He risked it all for somethingthat should be impossible, but he doesn’t understand the most crucial thing: Heisimpossible.

“But you did it, Silas.You managed to get us here.We’re alive,I’malive because of you.”

“And we lost several people.”

“Who knew the risk they were taking!”I argue.“You did the best you could.You kept your promises, and above all, you saw us to the end.”I tug on his hand and pull him down to the sand.Our legs tangle together, his knee propped up between us as I scooch closer.I guide his hand to the place above his heart, my fingers covering his.“I know you take each death personally, and I don’t blame you.They’re entrusting their lives to you—weare entrusting our lives to you.”

“Glad you agree,” he mutters, focusing on our hands.

“But we do it,” I say, ignoring him, “because we will follow you anywhere, Captain.”

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that.”

“Silas,” I amend.

He smiles.“Much better.”

He drops his hand from my face and pulls me closer, holding out his arm to me.I tuck into his side, wrapping an arm around his middle and resting my head on his chest.

“I have to ask,” I say as I drag my hand over his stomach.“With Charlotte… did you know?”

“What do you mean?”he asks.

My fingers skate over the constellation tattoo, tracing the ink.“Last night when you and she danced… and this morning when you were blowing things up…” I sigh and sit up, brushing sand from me.“Were you doing it to get back at me, or were you doing it to keep Charlotte here?”

He smiles lazily up at me, suddenly mischievous.“What if I told you it was a bit of both?”

My heart squeezes.“Do you know how much that hurt?To see you dancing with her, to see you lounging by the fire with her, ignoring me.It hurt, Silas.”

“Do you know how much it hurt to know you’d betrayed my privacy?My trust?” He sits up and gently catches my chin, forcing me to look at him.There is pain in his features, the edges softening as his shoulders slump.“You betrayed one of the most basic foundations of a strong relationship: trust.You spied on me.”

I picture Julian’s face.They’re not the same, how I betrayed Silas and how Julian betrayed me.They are not the same, but still, I betrayed Silas’s trust.

“I did notspyon you,” I protest.“At least not at first.I didn’t know you were out there.”

He raises a brow.“Didn’t you?I know you were drunk, but you knew better than to hide in the trees and listen to Charlotte and me.”

I grind my teeth and pull away from him, rising to my feet.“I didn’t know who it was at first—”