Page 86 of If I Go Down with This Ship

And after three long years

Of groveling at her feet,

She lifted my head

And kissed me on the cheek.

Lady, oh lady, what shall I do

Won’t you take me in, abandoned by my crew

Lady, oh lady, however might you see

I’m just a lonely man, spit up by the sea.

Lady oh lady, however might you see

I’m just a lonely man, spit up by the sea.

He strums out the last notes, and the crew cheers, quieter and more reserved than before.Tarly bows and hops off the table, taking up his drink once more.My hands tighten around my tankard as Silas squeezes my shoulder.This may be the last time I hear one of Tarly’s songs, the last time I get to celebrate with this crew aboard the ship.

The voices rise again, and I slide off the bench, standing.“Where have you been?”I ask, leaning toward Silas.

He tilts his head toward the hall leading from the mess.“Not here.”

Frowning, I set down my tankard and follow him.He leads me past the ammunitions room and the livestock, straight to his cabin.Silas closes the door behind me, and I turn toward him, but before I can ask what’s wrong, he nudges me back against the door, kissing me.

My arms automatically wrap around him and tug him closer as my hands tangle in his long, unruly hair.He’s wearing it down today, and his scent is even stronger, making me dizzy as he engulfs me.

One of his hands goes to the door beside my head, the other finding the groove of my hip and digging in.His touch is intoxicating, and when I moan against him, he swallows the sound down with his lips.But there is something off about this kiss, about the urgency with which he is reaching down for the tie of my pants.

“Hey,” I gasp, pulling away from him.He surges forward, but I cover his mouth with my hand, holding him off.“Silas, stop.What’s going on?What’s this about?”

His voice is muffled against my skin as he says, “I thought it was obvious.”

I laugh.“I mean,yes, it is, but why now?Are you okay?”I motion to him.“As much as I love… you know, kissing and stuff, this feels different.”

He sighs and steps back.Running a hand through his hair, he walks toward the windows and stops before his desk.Picking up a quill, he toys with it, plucking the feather, refusing to look at me.“Laszlo, we’re about to make land.”

Oh.

Oh.

Now everything is clear.I felt that in the kiss, and it puts all his mannerisms, all his touches in perspective.Could he sense my dread?Did he know the date was nearly upon us?I’ve been trying my best to hide it, but I must not have tried hard enough.

Land.Nassau.I can see the end of the tunnel, and now I wish I’d stayed in the dark.

“I see,” I whisper.He angles away from me as he rummages along his desk, setting aside the quill pen.His hair cascades over his shoulder, hiding his face from view.“Silas,” I say, taking a step toward him.“Silas, will you please look at me?”

His hands grip the edges of his desk, shoulders hunched as he leans forward.“I don’t want to say goodbye.”

It feels like my heart is snapping in two.“Silas…”

“I know I told you it’s what needs to happen, but the closer we get to it, the more difficult it is.”

I tuck his hair behind his ear, my finger lingering.He glances at me sidelong before straightening.

“It was some solid reasoning,” I say as I wrap my arms around his waist.“I hate to admit it, but you weren’t wrong.I shouldn’t be tampering with history.”