Page 87 of If I Go Down with This Ship

Even if I’ve already tampered with him.

Silas tilts his head at me, his lips pouting.He takes me in, surveying me as if this is the last time he’ll see me.And it probably is.Today’s probably our last day together.

“It’s been fun, hasn’t it?Your time aboard my ship?”he asks.

It physically hurts to look at him, but I do, soaking in every bit of him, admiring him.Peeling his hand from the desk, I run my fingers over his knuckles, sliding my thumb over his cat ring, admiring the little details.

“It’s been the best time of my life,” I tell him.I’m not exaggerating; I’m not lying.It’s the simplest truth I’ve ever spoken.

God, what has he done to me?

There’s a knock at the door, and the sudden sound jars us from the quiet of this cabin.“Cap’ain?”Jack calls, voice muffled by the wood.We both turn to the door, and my heart is sinking as Jack says, “Land.”

One word, but it’s enough.Enough for me to know that despite everything I’ve done to stay here at his side, to show him that we could have a future in my present, I can’t rewrite history.I spent so long thinking I would be alone forever, but now he’s here, and I’m just supposed to give up on this?

But this is it.Thisis goodbye.Fuck, I can’t do this.I can’t do this, and I don’t want to do this.It hurts; it hurts too much.

I move to leave, but Silas reaches out and captures my hand.“One more night?”he asks hurriedly.“Spend one more night with me.”

Keep it together, Laszlo.Just keep it together.Tears threaten as I nod and cover his hand with mine.

“Never thought you’d ask.”

28Sun of a Beach

Thelast rays of the day catch the sky on fire, setting the warm tones of Silas’s skin alight.He runs his hands over my face, smoothing down my hair.I want him to kiss me again.I want to taste every inch of him, to savor him repeatedly until I’m sick of him—if that’s even possible.

“So you’ll head to the tavern,” he says, pressing a key into my palm, “and when I’m done here, I’ll meet you in my rooms.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I say.

“Laszlo.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I insist.“Whatever tonight brings, I’m not leaving you.Just give me tonight on the ship.One last night with you here.”

He glances across the deck, but most of the crew have already left for land, leaving him and me alone for the first time onShe Deceitful, the last of the crew waiting for me in thesecond-to-last longboat.I follow his gaze past the bow to the line of longboats being pulled to the beach.

He probably doesn’t realize it, but he’s saved all their lives by sending them to shore.Mick, Astra, Jack, Pip, and even Eddie with his terrible jokes are temporarily safe if they just stay there.Away fromShe Deceitful.

I can’t save them all, don’t know what’ll happen to them once they step on land, but if we can save even a few of them, then we’ve done something.I don’t know how much it’ll change history, but it can’t possibly be much.

Or so I hope.

Finally, he nods to someone in the longboat, and the splash of their paddles grows quieter as they make their way to shore.When he’s certain we’re alone, Silas leans forward and kisses me, firm and sure, pressing me up against the rail, the wood digging into my lower back.It lasts only for a moment, but it’s enough to settle the nerves flitting about in my stomach.

He cups my cheek when he pulls back.“It’s going to be all right.I’m here with you tonight.And then tomorrow…”

Tomorrow, I go home.Assuming we make it through the night.

I cover his hand with mine, nodding.Maybe history was wrong and nothing will happen now that the ship is empty but for us two.George mentioned they fought back, but if there’s no one here to fight, maybe we’ll be okay.And then I can just stay here and retire to some small island with Silas for the rest of our lives, content and at peace.

But even I know he won’t let me.He’ll send me back because I don’t belong here, as much as I want to.I would stay by his side for the rest of eternity if he’d allow it, if I knew it wouldn’t change the future.

We stand like that for some time, and I’m just waiting for something to happen, for the day to break and a new one to start, disproving the story I was told ofShe Deceitfuland her crew.

His hand covering mine on the railing, we swivel toward the water and stand side by side.He lays his head on my shoulder, and we look out over the dark water as night twists into day.

“Do you still not fear it?”he asks quietly.