Page 91 of If I Go Down with This Ship

But no, it’s just me, Sir, this jacket, and an empty ship.

I grasp the desk next to me and stand on wobbly legs, spinning in a circle, taking in the room, its empty white walls, the random books filling the shelves, the fake maps and golden instruments littered over the desk.It looks nothing like it did.These are only props; it’s just a replica of the captain’s cabin I’ve come to know and love.This place does not look lived in.

Because he is dead, andShe Deceitfulsank in the harbor, like it was always meant to, three hundred years ago.And the man I have become during my time with that ship and crew and captain is stranded, left to die, and the rest of me has been thrust forward in time to a place I no longer care for.

I bang my fist on the desk and shove everything off it.Screaming, I tear up the maps and break the quill and spill the ink, and still, the anger and hurt in me are too much.I can feel myself breaking, feel my everything falling apart.

There is white-hot pain, and I gasp at the ache in my side and press a hand to it.The wound is still bleeding.My shirt is soaked with blood, red spilling down my leg and staining my pants.I’d forgotten about it in my fury.

I lean against the desk for a moment, suddenly lightheaded, and look around at the mess I’ve made.Sir stares up at me from the floor.My chest rises and falls rapidly, and I can’t tell whether I’m crying or not.I’ve left bloody handprints everywhere, a map of red tracing my movements in the cabin.Breathing shakily, I hobble to the door before taking the familiar stairs up to the main deck, Sir following at my heels.

“Laszlo?”I see George at the forecastle.He’s scrubbing the deck on his hands and knees.His jaw drops open in surprise, and he tosses the scrubber away before standing and crossing to me.He stops a few feet away.

“Laszlo, is that you?Where have you been?And where did that cat come from?Where have you—” He cuts himself off as he takes me in, and I stand still before him, blood dribbling out between my fingers.And then he sees it, the blood.He reaches out as if to help me, and I dance away toward the railing.Shaking my head, I teeter toward the side of the ship and clamber down the gangplank to the dock.“Laszlo!Laszlo, you need help!”

Ignoring him, I squint down the dock.It has been weeks since I stepped foot here, since Louise led me to this person I was meant to become.Since I abandoned everything I thought I knew and fell in love with a pirate captain.

I lurch toward a rubbish bin and reach shakily for a discarded newspaper folded across the top.My fingers smear blood across the paper as I peel back the cover and scan the top for the date.I drop it, stepping back.It can’t be possible; it can’t be.

What has felt like an entire lifetime for me has been whittled down into a single day.

I’ve only been gonea day.

Suddenly, the pain is excruciating, and I fall to my knees as the last of my energy drains away.My bloodied hands go to the wood of the dock, smearing across the grimy surface.

Sitting here, staring out at the crowded dock on a rainy London day, I can’t help but think I wouldn’t have minded if I’d never seen it again.If I had died on that ship, holding his hand.If we had died, together.

I didn’t belong here, but I belonged with Silas.And now, I don’t belong anywhere.

“Laszlo!”

There are sirens in the distance, and I hear someone calling my name, others rushing forward to help me, Sir’s cold nose nudging my blood-soaked hand, but I’m slipping before anyone can reach me, tumbling through the dark.

Alone.

Again.

30

Mylimbs feel as if they’ve been cut open and filled with sand.I go to rub the sleep from my eyes, but my arm is tangled in tubes, and when I crane my neck, I see I’m attached to a series of machines.Tubes run from my wrist and wires are attached to my chest, and I feel like I can’t breathe, as if I’m trapped.

“Hey, hey,shh, it’s okay, Laszlo.”Someone touches my hand, and then Louise leans over me, blond curls haloing her face as she frowns and presses her hand to my shoulder to calm me down.“Laszlo?Can you hear me?”

I move to sit up but groan, blinking slowly down at my stomach.“What…?”A sharp, stabbing pain travels from my hip up through my ribs.

“You were stabbed with what they suspect was splintered wood?They found some small splinters in you and had to pullthem out in surgery.”Louise’s voice sounds far away as images flash through my mind.

“Laszlo,” she says after a moment, “do you remember what happened?”

I remember everything.I remember Hux and his privateering ship appearing as if out of thin air in the harbor just before the sun rose over the horizon, firing on us when Silas turned down the pardon.Silas trapped beneath the foremast, the wood slicing into my gut and calf.And then I’m gasping his name, drowning in place.

“Laszlo.Laszlo, I need you to calm down.”

But I’m already standing and shaking my head, my legs threatening to give out from beneath me.“Silas?”I ask.No, no, this can’t be.Why did I leave him to die all alone on that ship?How could I do that?“Silas?”I say again, louder.

“You’ve been calling his name in your sleep,” Louise says softly.She touches my elbow as if to coax me, but I pull away, stumbling in my hospital gown toward the door.“Is he the cat?He’s okay.He’s at your apartment, and I’ve been feeding him and stopped by to check on him.”

“No, he’s not the cat.But, Lou, where are my clothes?”I look at her.“What did they do with my clothes?”I squeeze my eyes shut, picturing the bright blue wool.Without that coat, I can’t get back to him.Without it, what do I have left?I spent so long waiting to snatch it from him, until finally I realized I didn’t want to live in a world he wasn’t in, and now…