Page 90 of If I Go Down with This Ship

I pull myself to standing, hissing against the throbbing pain.There is smoke everywhere, gunpowder on my tongue, and I squint against the haze, coughing and wheezing as I scour the debris.

“Silas?”I croak.“Sir?”

Something wet and cold brushes against my leg, and I glance down, relieved to find Sir, soaked through and unhappy, but alive.I pick him up, petting him and cooing under my breath as I do.

“Spent one of your nine lives, huh?”I whisper, holding him close as I scan the rest of the ship.

“Laszlo!”a familiar voice calls.

I gasp at the sound of his voice.He’s alive.One hand pressed against my wound, the other holding Sir to my chest, I fight through the wreckage toward him, toward Silas.The water weighs down my clothes, making my movements slower.My eyes and throat are burning from the sea and smoke, and each time I inhale, there’s a sharp throbbing in my stomach where I’m injured.When I pull my hand back, my fingers come away red, slick with blood,myblood.

Pitching forward on shaky legs, I scan the fallen masts andthe last of the ship as the sea begins to engulf her fully.And then I see him, still pinned to the deck beneath the weight of the foremast.

“Silas!”I cry.I trudge through the water to him and fall to my knees with a groan.Sir grunts, but stays firmly in my arm, eyeing the rising water with distaste.Other than a few minor cuts, Silas looks okay, mostly intact.Except for his leg.It is red and swollen, a long, deep gash along his thigh from a piece of metal sticking out of the mast.

And he is trapped.

“Laszlo, it’s no use.”

I shake my head and grit my teeth as I carefully hand over Sir, wrap my arms around the mast, and yank.But it’s far too heavy for one person to move—for me.Shaking, I look around at the littered goods, what’s left of the ship floating in inches of water as we sink.

“No, no, I can do this,” I say.“We’re gonna get you out of here.”

I reach under him and pull him up with everything left in me, yanking, but he was right; it’s no use.His leg is trapped beneath the mast, and I’m not strong enough.And there’s only the two of us.

“Silas, please.”

It’s all falling apart, and I can feel this life I’ve built crumbling in the harbor.Maybe I should have said something more, should have convinced him to go with me to shore when we still had the chance.

Silas looks at me with a sad smile, and I can tell from the tilt of his head and the curve of his lips that he sees what’s coming.This was always inevitable.Ever since George told methe story, ever since I knew their ending—our ending—there was never going to be a way out of it.

Still, I stayed.I hoped I could stop it, find a way to alter the chain of events that led to today, to this.But all I’ve done is make certain everything would happen as it was always meant to.

He fishes for something in the water and shoves it into my hands.His brow is furrowed, his face twisted in pain, but still Silas lets his hand linger for a moment, fingers brushing mine before his hand drops to his side.“You have to go.”

I shake my head, a sob building in my chest.“No, no, I can’t.”It’s an impossible ask.How can I leave him?“I have never allowed myself to believe I could find someone, anyone who could love me as wholeheartedly as you do, but now that I’ve found you, I can’t let you go.”

Silas traces a finger down my cheek.“Laszlo.”His voice cracks as he says it.

“I refuse to leave you.”

I lean forward and capture his mouth with mine, savoring that intoxicating scent of his, tasting it on his lips.Sir makes a soft squeak in protest as I pull Silas closer, unwilling to let go.I try not to cry, but when I pull back and cup Silas’s cheeks, he’s stopped fighting his own tears.And seeing him like this, seeing himbreak, seeing him know what’s coming, knowing that if I don’t leave, I die with him, sends a new wave of heartbreak over me.

The water is to my knees now, and Silas struggles to hold his head up, struggles to breathe.I hate to see him like this, hate to know this is how it will end for us.Oh, I wish I could end it for him, slide the knife into his side like he threatenedto do to me all that time ago, but we both know I’m not brave enough.

“If I go down with this ship—” he starts.

“You won’t, Silas.You won’t, do you hear me?”

Shaking his head, he sits up as much as he can, face twisted with pain.Before I can protest, he drags the jacket over my shoulders with one hand and thrusts a meowing Sir into my arms before pushing with all his might, sending me stumbling.

“Silas!”

“I love you, Laszlo.Your secret dies with me.Now, go tell our story,” he says as I slam backward.

My head cracks against a floor, and I cough as I sit up, clutching the back of my head.Sir yowls, nudging my hand with a cold, wet nose, and I pet him numbly, blinking at our surroundings.I am alone in the cabin once more.There’s no burning, sinking ship, no trapped Silas, nothing but a clean, unmarred captain’s cabin and a large, wet orange cat looking to me for the answers.

“Silas?”