Page 20 of A Thousand Second Chances

“You abandoned me.” His words aren’t particularly loud, but they burrow into my consciousness all the same. A detached part of me can tell that I’ll be relieving this moment tonight and probably for many more to come—that, when I close my eyes, I’ll see the look of contempt he’s giving me right now. “You kissed me goodbye andpromisedme you’d come out to your parents over winter break, just like I was going to. Well, I followed through, damn the consequences. Butyoudidn’t! Instead, you broke my heart.”

I flash back to that fateful winter break, a series of disjointed moments flicking before my eyes like PowerPoint slides.

Chris and I had kissed each other goodbye in the safety of my dorm room. There’d been a knot in my stomach at the thought of coming out, but I’d shoved it down, trying to convince myself the benefits outweighed any potential costs. My parents would still love me. Nothing terrible would happen. And once we got through the awkwardness of winter break, Chris and I would be together for real—a couple in public as well as behind closed doors.

The closer I’d gotten to home, however, the worse that knot had gotten. What if I was wrong about my parents? What if they didn’t accept me being gay? What if they stopped Chris and me from being together and we accidentally ruined the happiness we already had? What if Chris realized I wasn’t worth it? What if I ended up letting everyone down?

When I finally walked into our two-story home, I’d been close to vomiting from nerves. Chris and I had decided it’d be better torip the band-aid off first thing though, so as much as that scared part of me wanted to wait—preferably until right before I was about to hop in the car and head back to campus—that meant tonight. All I had to do was survive a single conversation. Then, I could call Chris, and no matter how bad things went, we’d have each other to get us through it.

Except apparently, coming out to my parents should have been the least of my concerns because that night at dinner, my parents confessed their own secret: my mom had cancer. And her prognosis wasn’t good. They’d waited as long as they could to tell me, not wanting to distract me during my first semester at college and hoping to have better news when they did. But time had run out. With every other option exhausted, we’d be taking her to the hospital tomorrow to start a more aggressive treatment regimen. This might be the last night we ever spent together at home.

It wasn’t until late the next day that I realized I’d forgotten all about my scheduled call with Chris. I had several missed calls from him, along with a couple texts asking if I was all right and how coming out had gone. I tapped out a quick reply, telling myself I’d get back to him in earnest once things settled down and I’d had a chance to follow through.

That chance never came.

Two weeks passed in the blink of an eye. I devoted every waking moment I could to sitting with my mom, trying to ignore the beeping machines and the flickering light of the television we kept muted in the background. When I wasn’t at the hospital, I was either lost in restless sleep or doing my best to stop my dad from falling apart. In the wake of our collective grief, everything else just kind of…slipped away. Before I knew it, winter break was over, and it was time to return to campus.

Halfway through my drive back, it suddenly hit me just how badly I’d messed up with Chris. He’d stopped messaging orcalling days ago, and I’d barely even noticed. Guilt joined my already churning emotions. No matter what had been up with me, ignoring him all break hadn’t been fair, especially when I knew how important us coming out had been to him. I’d never even asked how things had gone on his end. God, could I have been anylesssupportive?

I spent what was left of the drive sorting through my exhausted thoughts, trying to decide how best to explain things to Chris. Discussing my mom’s situation would be hard enough. How did I also admit that I not only hadn’t come out to my parents, but that I didn’t know if I could go through with it anytime soon? The stakes had seemed high enough before—now that I only had limited time left with my mom, they seemed astronomical.

Unease unfurled in my gut when I found Chris waiting for me outside my dorm. I’d barely stepped out of the car before he was on me, his face creased with worry. “My God, Perce, where have you been? I’ve barely heard a word from you all break. Are you all right?”

A creeping numbness that had grown all too familiar over the past couple weeks pervaded me, offering a welcome reprieve from my too-loud feelings. “I’m fine,” I said. My voice sounded strange to my own ears—dull and listless.

Chris blinked. “Okay…” His lips curved in a slight frown. “So, how’d everything go with your parents, then? Did your mom and dad take it well?”

Panic spiked through me at the mention of my mom. I struggled to tamp it down, clinging to my forced calm so I didn’t fall apart right there in the parking lot. It was hard to think past the buzzing in my ears, and it took me longer than it should have to process what Chris had said. “Oh. I, uh, I didn’t come out.”

“What? Why the hell not?” Chris’ frown deepened into a scowl. “We talked about this, Perce! We both agreed this was what we wanted. What the hell changed between then and now?”

Everything.I didn’t reply, didn’t knowhowto reply. I focused my gaze on the dorm building behind Chris, tracing the worn lines along its brick façade while my pulse throbbed in my throat. All the emotions I’d repressed these past couple weeks—my pain and fear and doubt—clamored to break free, and I fought desperately to hold that tidal wave back, terrified of what would be left of me in the aftermath.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Chris take a deep breath, visibly reining in his frustration. “It’s okay if you’re not ready to come out yet.” He grimaced. “It’s not like my parents were stellar beacons of support when I told them, so I totally get it if you need more time.” He took a hesitant step toward me, his brow furrowing. “But you can’t just shut me out. Please, Perce, talk to me! What the hell is going on?”

“I’m sorry, Chris, but I can’t do this.”

I hadn’t even realized I’d spoken until the words echoed in my ears, as if carried across a vast distance. Still, they rang true. Whatever apologies or explanations I’d intended to offer for my behavior over the break no longer seemed important. All I could think about right then was escape—going somewhere alone where I could fall apart in peace.

Unable to bear the hurt on Chris’ face another second, I ducked my head and barreled past him toward my dorm, fleeing from his stare boring a hole in my back.

That was the last time we’d spoken until this trip. Two years of complete radio silence. Months later, after my mom passed, I’d looked back and regretted not trying harder to explain where my head was at or doing more to fight for him. But by then, it was too late.

It’s probably for the best,I’d consoled myself.Chris deserves someone better, someone who has their shit together and won’t disappoint him in the end.Because when you stripped away all the bullshit, what it came down to what was that I’d turned away instead of relying on him the way he’d relied on me. And that had broken us beyond repair.

Back in Casa Nostra’s bathroom hallway, I bow my head, sorrow squeezing my chest. “I’m sor—”

“Stop saying you’re sorry!” Chris shakes his head. “Jesus, you think that excuses anything? I don’t care how sorry you are. It doesn’tchangewhat happened.” For the first time, his voice wavers, losing its hard edge. He blinks and looks away. “If you’d ever cared about me, you’d never have tossed me away like that.”

My heart cracks even more than it already has. I try to reach for him, but he quickly steps back, and I lower my arms. “It’s not that simple!”

“It should have been!Iwent through with it.” There’s a definite sheen of wetness on his cheeks now, no matter how hard he’s trying to disguise it. “Even though it cost me everything—my family, my team, my boyfriend—Iwent through with our plan. And in return, you abandoned me, just like everyone else.” He gives a little shrug, as if to say,what more is there?

And in a way, he’s right, isn’t he? No excuse I offer can ever erase the pain and betrayal I’d caused him. I’d broken his heart as surely as I’d broken my own by pulling away from him when I should’ve stood at his side. Telling him about my mom now won’t change any of that. I’d been a fool to think otherwise.

My chest feels too tight and my vision blurs as I dart past him, leaving him in the hallway—abandoned, yet again. God, I’m such a coward. Hopefully, he or Quinn can come up with an excuse for Oshkoff if she asks. I can always lie and say I felt sick tomorrow morning when I see her. But right now, all I can think about is crawling into bed.

I don’t remember the walk back to the Royal Lilac. Carol is tidying up downstairs when I enter. She looks up at me and smiles.