Page 92 of A Thousand Second Chances

“Because I’m worthless!”

The words rip from me in an almost scream. I ignore the stares I’ve drawn from everyone around us, my eyes fixed on Quinn as I barrel on, the words careening out. “Because Ideserveto be lonely. Of course, no one likes me. Why should they? My own parents think I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough for them. I’ll never be good enough for Coach or the team. I’ll never be good enough for Per—”

I stop myself, clamping a hand over my mouth, but it’s too late. Quinn’s heard too much, especially after our earlier conversation, not to guess what I’d been about to say.

There’s no judgment on her face, however, only sympathy. “How do you know you’ll never be good enough for Percy? Have you asked him?”

“I don’t need to!” I spin away and pace in a tight circle near Quinn, too anxious and restless to remain in one spot. “He made it perfectly clear how he felt when he pulled away from meagain. If he cared about me, then he wouldn’t be so hesitant to consider a future together. He’d do whatever it took to be with me.”Like I would with him.“But I’ll never be good enough. Never be worth risking anything on. He’ll never chooseme.”

My voice trembles, my whole body shaking. I’m glad Quinn doesn’t try to hug me again because, right then, I’m pretty sure any touch would’ve set me off. She must recognize that because she eyes me like I’m a cornered animal.

When she speaks, her voice comes out soothing. “Just because he’s afraid doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. That he doesn’twantto choose you, even if he doesn’t know how.”

I snort with derision. “You think that makes it any better? Either way, we’ll never be together.”

She shrugs. “Maybe not. I’ll admit, I don’t know enough about what the two of you have to judge how real it is. But Idoknow that Percy’s not the only one here who’s afraid.”

“I’m not afraid!” My hands ball into fists. “I riskedeverythingfor him before! And I’d risk it all again. I’d do anything for him!”

I love him,I don’t quite dare voice aloud.

But maybe she still hears it in my voice, sees it on my face, because her expression softens. “I know. But if Devon’s telling the truth, you’ve already pushed away people who cared about you at least once. Are you sure you’re not doing the same thing again?”

Andfuck, that question buries itself in me like Percy’s dagger Steelfang. Am I pushing Percy away, being unfair to him? I mean, I know he’s dealing with a lot of his own shit—he’s told me himself about the feelings of inadequacy he’s grappling with, about how torn up he is over the impossible promise he made his mom. Yet here I am, demanding he fit into a certain mold for me in much the same way he fears everyone else does.

So what if he’s not ready to commit to a lasting relationship? That doesn’t mean I need to cut off all contact. Even if we’ll neverbe together like I want, we can still be friends. We can still be there to support each other, the way I should have been there to support him when he was dealing with his mom—the way Iwouldhave been if I hadn’t stubbornly refused to reach out.

He might have abandoned me two years ago…but hadn’t I done the same to him in return? I’d been so hurt and upset that I’d seen slights everywhere. I’d taken everything personally, assumed everyone was against me—like Devon and my former teammates.

Had…had I made myself alone as a self-fulfilling prophecy by chasing away everyone who cared?

I don’t realize I’m sobbing until Quinn is there, wrapping me in another embrace and offering me her shoulder to cry on, murmuring that it’ll be all right. God, what a sight we must be, standing out on the street in plain view like this. I’m surprised no one’s politely asked us to take our mess elsewhere else so our scene doesn’t ruin downtown’s idyllic vibe.

When I’ve gotten myself under control, I pull back, sniffling. “Thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure the night will come when my drunken ass needs the same kind of love. I expect you to be there for me when it does. And no excuses about this moment being wiped away in a resetting time loop!”

“Of course. What are friends for?”

Her expression turns thoughtful, and I brace myself for a new round of insights or another conversation about something I’d rather leave buried. But all she says is, “Only you can figure out your own shit. But whatever you decide, I’m here. And by the sound of it, others are too. You arenotworthless, so let us help you when you need it. Deal?”

I blink back a fresh wave of wetness. “Deal.”

“Good.” Her eyes gleam, and she looks more like her usual chipper self as her serious demeanor fades. “Now, come on! We’ve got hours of therapeutic shopping ahead of us!”

I let out a loud groan. “Therapeutic for who—you or me?”

Her grin widens. “Why not both?”

There’s nothing particularly special about the rest of the afternoon I spend with Quinn. In fact, it should be dull as we hit up all the same shops we’ve visited during past Saturdays. After revisiting many of them again with Percy, I can practically recite their inventories from memory.

But today, the experience feels different. Maybe it’s my shift in perspective. I’m still not entirely sure what to think about my discussions with Devon and then with Quinn or how to act upon them. But I can’t deny that I feel lighter—like a burden I’ve been dragging along with me has finally been lifted.

Of course, any good mood can only last so long. As it turns out, this one persists right up until the moment my phone buzzes in my pocket. I could just ignore it—that’s what I’ve done basically every other Saturday since the first. But today, something compels me to answer. Maybe pouring out my guts to Quinn left me weirdly emboldened. Or maybe I’m too over this bullshit to care. Whatever the reason, I find myself stepping out of the store and raising my phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Christopher!” Even though I’m expecting it, I still wince and move my ear back from the receiver at my mom’s shrill exclamation. “I am glad we caught you. Are you safe? You know I do not like the idea of you in the wilderness.”