Page 58 of Counting Backwards

“And now my baby is going to be related to this man? What are my parents going to say about their grandchild sharing the same blood as a fucking Nazi?”

“He wasn’t a Nazi,” I said weakly, as if it made any difference.

“No,” Vance said. “I guess not. From everything you’ve said, he might’ve been even worse. If such a thing is even possible.” His eyes were stony as he glared down at me. “I can’t look at you. I have to go.” He pushed his chair back toward the table with too much force, leading it to tip and fall to the floor with a thud. He didn’t turn around as he marched toward the door and back out to the street.

I stayed in my seat, ignoring the stares from the people who’d witnessed the scene. A young woman walking by lifted the chair and offered me a weak smile. I was too upset to even thank her.

In the span of one trip to Starbucks, I had somehow saved my marriage—only to destroy it all over again.

20

Jessa

April 2022

Once again in the Hydeford parking lot, I was sitting in my car waiting for Dustin and hoping he hadn’t changed his mind about coming.

I was scheduled to interview two of Fern’s four contacts, and I had basically begged Dustin for one more interpreting session. He was reluctant, but I pulled on his heartstrings until he caved. Except now, as the meeting time was approaching and he still hadn’t arrived, I worried his fears about undercutting his position at the firm had gotten the better of him.

I hoped not, because these interviews were crucial. With four new women who’d agreed to testify, albeit anonymously, plus Jacinta, others might finally come forward too. I felt more compelled than ever to convince Isobel and Denise to be part of this. They deserved to be heard and at least get some modicum of justice.

I looked down at my stomach, still flat, and rubbed a palm across it wistfully. It had been three days since I’d heard from Vance. The day after our argument, he’d sent a text saying to reach out in case of a medical emergency, but otherwise he wanted nocontact. I kept checking my phone for a follow-up text saying he just needed some time, or that his departure wasn’t permanent, but there was nothing. My dream of the perfect family had almost come true, but now it appeared that was all it’d ever be—a fantasy.

I felt a single tear leak from my eye, but I hastily wiped it away just as Dustin pulled up beside me in a bright orange rental car.

“They don’t make it easy to find this place,” he said as we stepped out of our separate cars. Even though it was April, it didn’t feel like spring yet, and I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my wool coat.

“It was good of you to come all this way,” I said, taking in his freshly shaven face and the crisp white collar of the shirt beneath his open parka.

He twisted from side to side, stretching his back in that way of his, and laughed lightly. His eyes darted to the ground and then back up to me. “I guess I find it pretty hard to say no to you.”

I felt a flash of surprise at his words, both in their kindness and in their implied intimacy. I raised my eyebrows and tried to think of the right response, but then he seemed to backtrack.

“And you can be one pushy-ass attorney when you need something.”

I twisted my lips in disbelief. “That’s it? You’re here because I’m pushy? I don’t think so. Talk all you want, but I know you don’t regret trying to protect these women. I saw the way you reacted at Jacinta’s house.” As I said it, I realized it was true. Dustin had clearly been deeply affected listening to Jacinta. “Like it or not, I see you, Dustin Ortiz.”

“Whatever.” He rolled his eyes and turned toward the entrance, but I could hear the smile in his voice. He motioned that we should make our way inside. “You don’t have to rehash everything you said on the phone. I cleared the afternoon, but I really won’t be able to do this again. I mean it. As important as this case is, cruciallyimportant, I don’t have seven years of goodwill at the firm under my belt like you do. I also don’t have the same freedom to devote time to a pro bono case, as much as I wish I did. I have some financial hurdles to clear first.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I waved a hand in the air and swatted away his words. “You’ll be back.” I stopped at the entryway and reached out to pull open the heavy door, but Dustin grabbed my wrist, stopping me.

“Jessa,” he pleaded, his eyes holding mine. “I’m serious. My dad has been having some serious health issues, and I’ve been sending money to my parents every month. I can’t slack off at the office when this job is the only thing paying the bills.” He took a deep breath. “I really can’t keep doing this, no matter how much I enjoy being in your company.”

“I’m really sorry to hear about your dad, I am,” I said, “but let’s be real. My company has never been something you’ve enjoyed. I’m not completely obtuse.”

“Yes, Jessa, you are.” He pulled me back from the door, making it clear he had more to say. He looked down at me for a moment before he began again, his hand still clasping my wrist. “If I’ve been a dick to you, it’s only because I can’t figure out how to act around you. I haven’t been trying to make you hate me so much as trying to protect myself from getting close to you. I mean, look at you.” He gestured in my direction like he’d finished making his point.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said cautiously, my mind coming up with too many possible scenarios of what he was trying to say.

“Even the first time I met you...” He shook his head as if he were saying something obvious. “I walked into the conference room on my second day, and there you were, holding court and dissecting every last facet of Odeon’s legal strategy like you were in the Matrix, remember? I was mesmerized. You’re whip-smart,but you don’t lord it over anyone. You’ve clearly got an incredible friendship with Tate, but you’re also kind of closed off, like people have to earn it with you before you let them in. You have this quiet confidence about you, and you’re so freaking competent that every case you touch becomes a slam dunk. Add in those big eyes of yours, your hair... I was crushing on you hard. When I found out you were married, I guess I put up some walls. I don’t think it was even a conscious decision. Acting like a bit of a bastard just put a little more space between us and made it easier for me to share the air with you. I didn’t want to be pining away over a married woman, and I can admit now that I was pushing you away intentionally. But then you went and turned into this bleeding heart, and I guess I couldn’t do it anymore.” Then he shrugged, while I stared at him in shock. “I’m not trying to put you in an awkward situation. Just being honest.”

We regarded each other for a long moment as I tried to decide how to respond. A look of panic flashed briefly across his face, like he wished he could take it all back. In another life, I would have been thrilled about attracting someone like Dustin—a successful, good-looking, and apparently very caring guy who worked his butt off to help support his parents. But I did, in fact, have a husband. At least, I hoped I did.

“I don’t believe you,” I finally said.

“You think I’m making this up?” He sounded incredulous.

I put my hands on my hips and continued to study him.