Page 82 of Don't Think

Everything we’ve been doing made sense at first… but then something changed. We were supposed to be just having fun, but it feels like a lot more than just that now.

If it were just sex, this would be easier—simple even.

But bed buddies don’t stay for hours, talking about life. They don’t cry in each other’s arms over things neither of us knows how to fix. And theydefinitelydon’t stick around until the sun starts creeping through the windows, so we’re forced to rush back to our separate lives.

When deep down, thiscouldbe our life. It would be hard as hell, but I can’t help butwantthis to be our life.

But what would that even look like?

She’d go home to be the incredible mum she is to her girls, and I’d be flying back and forth between America and Cardiff?

That’s not fair for her or the two little girls who wouldn’t understand something that complex.

My feet finally start moving, like my body’s telling my mind to shut the hell up so we can just meet her halfway already.

She’s still wearing the same smile, but now it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

The sounds of our footsteps grow louder as we get closer until she’s standing directly in front of me.

And I can’t even hug her right now. I can’t dohalfthe things I want to do to her. All because this is supposed to be asecret.

My feelings for her are supposed to stay hidden—locked away so no one can know or see. Not even really her. She hasnoidea how much I think about her and how much I want more than this.

And I just can’t bring myself to be another reason for her to stress.

“Are you okay?” she asks quietly, lightly nudging my arm.

I give her a small smile and nod once. “Yeah,” I reply softly.

Then I lean in, close to her ear, careful to make sure no one’s watching. “I just missed you,” I murmur.

She glances over her shoulder, then slowly turns back to me. She plants a quick kiss to my cheek. “I missed you too,” she whispers.

The sound of rushing footsteps approaching forces me to take a step back. Thankfully I did because Nora appears, looping her arm through Allie’s before she pulls her away from me, giggling about something she saw.

And I just stand there, watching her get pulled farther and farther away.

“You good?” Casey asks from behind me.

I turn around and watch him adjust the strap of his rucksack over his shoulder.

I nod and try my best to force some sort of a smile. Some sort of indication I want to be here, because right now I know it looks like I don’t want to be.

“Yeah,” I breathe out.

I nod toward where everyone’s heading and drag my feet in that direction.

The nights I spend with Allie have easily become my favorite. But the moment she leaves, it’s like something inside me sinks and is being pulled down by an invisible anchor. I wouldn’t call itdepressionor anything that heavy, just a lingering sadness that settles in when she’s not around. And every single day that passes, it hasn’t gotten any easier.

If anyone asked me what my number one flaw is, I’d probably say it’s the fact that I never speak up about what I want, or what I need, for that matter. I’ve always just sat back and let whatever happens, happen.

Music is a great example of this. We wouldn’t even be here right now if it weren’t for James being so persistent in using social media, signing us up for email lists, or overall pushing usforward. We oweeverythingto him. Because without him, we’d probably still be cramped in my mum’s garage, waiting for the dream to die either from being too broke to keep going, or from growing tired of each other.

Love? Well, I can’t say much on that subject since all I have to go on is Emelia, who ended up being my biggest regret. So this especially comes into play with everything I have with Allie. Do I really want to try going through that again?

But something in me says I don’t justwantto try again—Ineedto.

“Come on, Jax!” James calls, waving at me from a few feet ahead.