Page 43 of Carter

“Oh, you found a friend on the way. What a handsome man you are,” she says, smiling at me.

“Eileen, this is Detective Nash Bennett. He’s working on Ryan’s case. Ryan is my—”

“Yes, dear. Your boyfriend. You’ve mentioned him.”

She gives me a kind smile and offers her hand, so I shake it.

“You didn’t get any lunch?” she asks in a disapproving tone.

“Too early for lunch for me, ma’am.”

She shrugs, then takes the bag Carter offers.

“Why don’t you two go sit in the break room while you eat,” she suggests. “I’ll be fine up here, and if I need something, I’ll call you.”

“Thanks, Eileen.” Carter turns his attention on me. “Come on.”

I follow him to the opposite end of the main room we’re in, through a door that says employees only and we take a sharp left into a cozy room. It’s a mix of a kitchen and living room, with little counter space, sink, and apartment sized fridge against one wall, and a couch, lamp, and end table on the other. In the center is a small round table with three chairs. Carter puts his bag on it, then looks at me. All I can think about is how this room is bigger than his at home.

“I know you have coffee, but can I get you anything else?”

“I’m good.”

We sit at the table, and he opens his sandwich and begins to eat. I sip my coffee and try not to stare.

His hair is wavier today than it normally is, and I wonder why. Is that how he does it when he has work? Or am I only just noticing it?

The maroon, long-sleeved sweater he’s wearing fits him too perfectly, and there’s a small name tag pinned over his left pec with the library branch name in smaller letters. He has on jeans and light boots. Typical, casual outfit for a place like this.

“You good?” he asks, flicking his gaze to me.

“Yes. Why?”

“You’re staring.”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to apologize, but I say nothing. Because I’m not sorry, and I don’t like lying or saying things just because it’s socially expected.

Then I have the strangest need to tell him it’s because I’m enjoying what I’m looking at.

But that’s a sure-fire way to make things awkward and get me thrown off the case.

It’s been years since I noticed a manlike that,and I’m not saying that I, in any way, want to have a relationship with Carter; I’m just acknowledging how attractive he is. That’s it. We’ve spent a lot of time together; how could I not notice? I have eyes.

“You’re not going to say anything?” he asks, reaching for a napkin.

“What’s to say?”

“I don’t know. Why are you staring?”

“Just thinking,” I say.

He nods as if it makes sense. I guess in a way it does, but it isn’t the full truth. But I can’t tell him what I’m really thinking and my thoughts don’t mean anything anyway. They can’t. They won’t.

It’s been a while since I’ve been with anyone, and that’s all this is. Realizing how lonely I am because I’ve been spending a lot of time with an attractive man who keeps talking about love.

I’ve always been alone; it’s what I’m used to. But the loneliness doesn’t usually set in like this, yet it’s been creeping up slowly the last week or so.

New York is new to me. I have no friends, no family close by. It’s just me. Maybe I should go check out a new bar or something. See what’s out there. A casual hookup with someone wouldn’t be the worst thing I’ve done, and it also wouldn’t be the first time… it’s just been a long time. But things don’t change. Sex is always the same, and it’s something I can figure out with anyone. It just doesn’t feel like the thing I want to do. I’m too busy. I laugh to myself, recalling how this is exactly how my first conversation with Carter went.