Page 19 of Bold Mercy

“Jared.”

He didn’t stop walking but his body immediately tensed. “Yes?”

I knew he wanted me. Wolves had strong senses—his desire was not going to be a secret. At least not his physical desire. Mentally, though, I only knew that he didn’t want to want me. And I would have given much to know why. Maybe it was because of his arranged match with Jeanette Lister, but I didn’t think so. He’d said it was because of me. That I was not ready.

What the hell did that even mean? And who put that shit into his head? I wanted to ask him, but honestly, I was so sick of throwing myself at a man who recoiled like I was some sort of innocent…human that I kept my mouth shut and my hands to myself, and I went to take a much-needed shower.

Jared’s family home wasn’t over the top. It was too clean, if you asked me, and everything was just too…white, and it definitely didn’t scream “The alpha lives here!” which is exactly how a wolf wanted to live. Simply and under the radar, just like the vampires.

“Shit,” I whispered, and dropped my fork back into my plate. Nell had prepared rare steaks with potatoes and an apple pie for dessert. The food was good and I was starving, but after only half the huge steak, my worried brain got in the way of my appetite.

Jared ate with me, but the only one who talked was Nell. She talked a lot as she bustled back and forth, but I didn’t mind. It helped fill the uncomfortable silence. She went silent when I stopped eating. “Is something wrong with the meat?” she asked, frowning. “Would you prefer something else?”

I rubbed my eyes. “It’s delicious, Nell. My worry is getting in the way of my appetite, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, dear,” she said. “Try not to worry so much. Jared will worry enough for all of us, and he will always protect this pack. Certainly he’ll protect you. Honestly, he shouldn’t be allowing you to—”

“Nell,” Jared interrupted.

He didn’t say anything else but she immediately wiped her hands and left the dining room after a quick, somewhat apologetic glance at him.

Jared left his chair and walked around the table toward me, and my body stiffened immediately. Just a little, but enough to make me realize I didn’t trust the alpha the way a wolf should trust her alpha. I didn’t submit to him, I didn’t obey him, and I didn’t believe his word was law, the way a normal wolf would. And just like that, I realized by saying I wasn’t ready, he simply meant I wasn’t ready to let him be the boss of me. Apparently, he believed that in order to have sex, we needed to know our places—and accept them.

My wolf loved the hell out of that. But me? No. Not so much.

“Stop thinking,” he said, sitting down beside me, “and eat your dinner. You can’t hunt if you don’t eat.”

“I can’t be a submissive wolf, Jared.”

He studied me, then cut off a piece of meat, speared it with the fork, and handed it to me. “You don’t need to be submissive,” he said. “Not the way you think. But you have to trust me. You have to believe I won’t hurt you, that I will take care of you, that no matter what, I will always do what is best for my pack. And you.”

I wasn’t like other wolves, simply because I’d been “warped” by being forced out of my pack at such a young age. Then my wolf had been hobbled, so really, I was closer to human than shifter. Even growing up, my parents had kept me more isolated than a normal pup would have been. My father had seen to my training, my mother to my education. I’d had few friends. Then I’d been sent away.

I understood that a wolf would look to her alpha for protection. I understood that the weight of the pack rested on his shoulders and that regular wolves accepted and were grateful for that. His word was law.

But I didn’t know why it was so important to him that I be that person.

I was completely torn, of course, because a big part of me—the wolf part—wanted everything to be the way it was supposed to be. Wanted to lie down and give him my belly and relax, secure in the knowledge that as alpha, he was responsible for us all. He would take care of everything, including me.

The woman part though, she wanted to shove him up against the wall and have her way with him, then go out hunting and protecting and defending and taking care of her own damn self.

I sighed, then lifted the fork to my lips. As he watched, I ate the damn steak, and then I ate another one—not because he’d said I should, but because I knew that if I wanted to catch Avis and protect not only my people but the humans, I had to make sure I was physically strong enough to do so.

But afterward, as I got up to head to bed, I blurted it out, because…oh, who the fuck knew why. I just did. “Why the hell,” I asked, standing so close to him that I could have taken a deep breath and brushed my body against his, “can we not just have casual sex without all the complications?” I reacted almost violently to the thought and to the nearness of him. My body woke up. My skin erupted in gooseflesh, chills raced down my spine, my mouth dried up, my hands shook. Worse, my heart pounded so hard I was sure he’d hear it, and a wave of extreme heat gathered between my legs and wiped all sane thought from my mind.

There was only lust. Deep, unexpected, and extreme. There was something huge and special connecting us. I couldn’t believe I’d feel this way otherwise. Fate? I wouldn’t rule it out. I was that shaken.

But anger lit his stare, and my immediate instinct was to step back and get away from that anger. “There is no casual sex, Kait,” he bit out. “Not with us.”

I had to restrain myself from touching him. “What do you want from me, Jared?”

“I want nothing you cannot freely give,” he growled, at last, and then he turned and strode away from me. I had to admit—if he felt the way about me that I felt about him—physically—then he was stronger than me.

I wished I could talk to Lennon, who might, if pushed, shed some light on Jared’s thinking. I honestly didn’t know what he wanted. Not a casual one-night stand, obviously, but did that mean he wanted something serious? With me?

I snorted. Right.

Whatever he wanted, it wasn’t me for a mate. He would just come to claim me, if he wanted me. And if I’d resisted, he’d have done what any hotblooded alpha would have done. He’d have pursued the fuck out of me. Female alphas did the same. If they wanted a wolf, they knew it, and they went after him. And if the alpha didn’t get his or her mate? I didn’t know. I’d never heard of such a thing happening. Alphas always got what they wanted.