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There are many things beyond our control, and the past years have brought that home more fully than any of us could have anticipated. I think of Dmitri, dying in a hospital alone, and Suze grieving him, and sitting by her bedside in LA after the attack, praying that she would live. I offered the universe all manner of things if they would save her—but the main one was that I would come clean. I still haven’t done that.
I’m afraid she’ll hate me forever.
THEN
SAVEYOURTEARS
5/25/22
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: happy birthday week
Dear Suze,
It feels weird that we’re not celebrating each other’s birthdays this year. It’s a momentous one, right? I hate that we’re not talking right now. It feels lonely in the world without you. Jasmine has gone back to Portland for the summer and I miss her like a limb. It’s hard not to get attached, but I am more able to be generous with her than I’ve ever been with anyone. It’s easy to want the best for her and try to make it happen.
I was an asshole after my grandmother’s funeral. Can you forgive me?
Love,
Phoebe
[UNSENT]
September 7, 2022
Dear Phoebe,
Weirdly, this is the anniversary of the day my dad tried to kill me. I mean, I don’t know that he really wanted to kill me, but he mostly wanted me dead my whole life. I wish I’d told you everything that summer, but I just didn’t know how.
I hate that we’re locked in this awful space where we said awful things to each other at the funeral. I’m sorry.
[NEVER MAILED]
October 12, 2022
Dear Suze,
I miss you. I was so mad that it seemed like a good idea to cut you out of my life. But I don’t really feel like me when we are not in communication. I just get more and more mean and small.
That doesn’t mean I’m not mad. You hurt my feelings so much, and I don’t know how to get over that. Do you really
[NEVER MAILED]
The day of the attack
Text string:
Phoebe:Suze, Suze! I’m so worried! I just saw the news. I’m flying to LA tonight.
Phoebe:I’m here. They won’t let me see you or tell me anything about your condition, which I didn’t even think about. They just think I’m a crazed fan.
Phoebe:I love you. I’m so sorry for everything.
Phoebe:It’s been five days. I’ve rented a little studio apartment nearby and will stay until I can talk to you in person. I’m so scared for you.
