Page 24 of Ruck Me Harder

So when I get home, before I let myself shower and change, I call my agent. Alycia answers on the second ring.

“I was just about to call you,” she says, and I laugh, because that’s what she always says.

“Sure. What about?”

“A brand wants to do a few collabs with you.”

I sit up straight. “Really?”

“Yeah. They sell some sort of probiotic juice.”

Oh.

“Quasi-health food?”

She can probably hear the disappointment in my voice. I like to support products I believe in. I’m not interested in selling myself to the highest bidder; I want there to be substance to the campaigns I promote.

“You don’t have to talk about the health benefits. Just how good it tastes and that it’s a probiotic,” Alycia assures me.

“Does it actually taste good?”

“It’s… not bad,” she hedges. “The ginger peach flavor is decent.”

My laugh is bitter. “So I’d be endorsing a shit product and lying about it to the world.”

“Well, when you put it that way…” Alycia sighs. “If you only want campaigns that you fully believe in, you’re limiting your options.”

“I don’t want to lie.”

“I don’t think of it as lying. It’s just…”

“It’s lying and deceiving the people who follow me if I don’t actually believe in the product. That’s a hard limit for me, Alycia,” I tell her.

She sighs again. “Okay. I’ll tell them no. We can go back to the drawing board.”

“Thanks.” My voice comes out wooden. I know she’s working hard. I know I’m not making it easy on her. “Send me a sample of the juice. I’ll try it. Maybe it isn’t as bad as you say.”

“You got it.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “Aside from that, I’m still putting out feelers. Pump It Up Protein wants to do another project with you, but they’re still working on concrete plans. They definitely want you.”

“I’m in.” Pump It Up is one of my regular sponsors. And as a bonus, I actually like their protein powder. They make a watermelon lemonade flavored protein powder that I add to water and sip all day long. “I’m running low on stock.”

“I’ll see if they can send some more over,” Alycia says. “Birdie Sportswear is hosting a dinner next week with some other influencers. Are you interested?”

I’ve heard of Birdie. They typically feature more petite body types than mine. Lean, slim, toned, their models are usually half my size. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t fit their usual demographic.

“Are you sure they want me?”

I’m not trying to be a Negative Nancy, shutting down all of her suggestions. At the end of the day, I’d rather focus on the real world than on maybes and what ifs. I don’t trust that these big brands actually want me to promote their companies. There must be some trickery afoot.

“They’re expanding with a new Fit and Strong line,” she says. “They reached out first.”

In that case…

“Sure, I’ll be there.”

Alycia and I chat for a few more minutes, debriefing on practice and all the other things in my life. Her firm represents both Chuck and Perry as well as my sister Janine, the champion swimmer, though we all have different agents to prevent conflict of interest. She dated Perry for a hot minute in college before they decided they worked better as friends, and I swooped in and stole her for myself. I’ve known her for the better part of a decade. She knows my whole family, my history, the reason I’m sober. And never, not once, has she told me to get over it.

Maybe it’s a little silly to be holding onto all those strong emotions after all these years. I’m a different person now than I was three years ago. He can’t help being the person who brings them all out. If he hadn’t left before I woke up, would I still have all this animosity toward him? I honestly don’t know.